Boyfriend dumped me after buying house

TPDE

[FONT=&quot]Hello,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am writing here because I really need to talk to someone and I have no friends or family that I could talk to. I’m hoping that writing things down (and having a good cry while doing it) will help me clear my head and by posting it here, I feel like someone is listening. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I am 27 years old and I have a successful career. I have been wanting to buy my own place for years now and have been saving for a deposit since I was a teenager, and my offer on a property was accepted yesterday. I should be over the moon, but I'm not because my four-year relationship with my boyfriend has just ended, basically because I bought my own place. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I love him so much and I was so sure that he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, that we would marry, we'd have children and grandchildren and grow old together. Now all of that has gone and it really, really hurts.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Some background info: my (now ex) boyfriend lives in a rented one-bedroom flat about two miles away from me. I live in a tiny tiny studio, so he barely visits as he hates my place. From November 2009 until March 2013 we basically lived together at his flat, with me keeping essentials at his flat and using mine as storage. I slept there pretty much every night, and we shared household chores e.g. cooking and washing up. I didn't pay any rent to him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In March he said he wanted me to pay nearly half the cost of his rent and bills, or I would have to move back to my own flat. It was my choice whether I maintained my flat or moved in with him properly. I didn't want to give up my flat because his flat is too small for the two of us so I'd need to use my flat as storage space (my flat is so cheap, using a storage company was in my opinion not really worth the hassle), I didn't want to change address and affect my credit rating for a mortgage application, and to be honest, I want to be traditional and get married before living together. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I said I couldn't pay that much as I had my own rent to pay on my flat, so I suggested we pool our costs together and make sure each pays half, which would have meant I would have to pay him a third of what he was asking, but he was not willing to compromise, so I had to move out. He refused to visit me at my place, so I was basically going to his flat about 5 nights a week and then driving back home, with occasional sleepovers.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Being back at my flat made me realise how much I hate it and gave me the motivation to hurry up and buy something so that I could move out. My boyfriend didn't want to buy with me and even if he did, I want to be married first before "properly" living together so I was ok with buying on my own. However I always consulted him on houses that I saw to make sure that he is happy and can see himself living there with me. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Two days ago we went to see the house that my offer has been accepted and he was very happy with it. It has everything that we both want and is ideal for if we have a baby in the future. We discussed how much I should offer etc and agreed that I would put an offer in the next day (i.e. yesterday), and he asked me to keep him posted all day of progress. However yesterday (the day I made the offer), he barely spoke to me, and when I told him my offer had been accepted, all I got literally was "ok". No congratulations, no joy or excitement, no questions about what next steps are or any sign of interest, just nothing. Since then, he's been giving me the silent treatment.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]This evening he asked me how I see our relationship working day to day once I moved into my house (which is a 3 minute drive from his flat). I said that now I have a bigger place he can come and visit me rather than the visits being one-sided. His response was that he didn't want to do that because he wanted to spend time in his flat that he pays for, where he has his own TV and Xbox, that it feels like a long-distance relationship because we are not living together and that he is therefore ending it. He doesn't want to marry me, at least not until we have lived together for some time, and the time we lived together at his place doesn't count as living together because I didn't pay half the costs of his flat and get rid of mine.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I feel in some way that I deserve no sympathy as I have always known that he doesn't want to get married and only once we have lived together "properly", but I had always hoped that maybe one day it would change or he'd at least recognise that the first three years of our relationship were pretty much the same as living together.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I now have a lovely house that I have wanted for ages that would have been perfect for my ex and I to live together, but a day after having my offer accepted I have lost the most important thing in my life - my relationship with him. My heart feels like it is literally breaking.
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[Deleted User]

Read through your post.., make a list of what he's insisted on in spite of your protests and have a think about whether you might have had a lucky escape. Was he there for you in the way you were there for him?

I know you love him.., but this may well be blurring your vision. If you had a friend who the same things happened to.., what would you be advising her?

Give it time, you will feel awful for a while, but it will get better and you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are, is a bit more of a grown up as you are, and makes you feel like you are entitled to an equal partnership in a relationship.

Congratulations on the purchase. No small feat at the moment.

shop-to-drop

Hugs! maybe this is a good thing as it seems he wasn't the one, you are now free to move on and find the one who is right for you forever. No more wasting time remember the good times and wish him well. You have a new life now in your long awaited new home. Best wishes to you .

Tigsteroonie

He asked you to pay half his rent & bills despite you having a place of your own? He refused to visit you in your flat (however small)? He prefers to spend time in his own flat with his TV and X-box than spending time with you?

Girlfriend you are well rid of him. You can do soooooooooooo much better, you are now free to find somebody who wants to be with you instead of treating you like a convenience.

Enjoy your new house, you've saved hard for it. You will get over him in time.

ValHaller

TPDE wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]I now have a lovely house that I have wanted for ages that would have been perfect for my ex and I to live together, but a day after having my offer accepted I have lost the most important thing in my life - my relationship with him. My heart feels like it is literally breaking. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

You have been giving and giving far too much in this relationship. You have gone with your heart and bought a property, which was absolutely right for you and for your relationship. It is a shame your ex cannot see it, but he cannot, it is no failing on your part that he lacks imagination and vision.

Be confident that this is making space in your life for better things.

marmitepotato

A big hug to you OP, but you are well shot of him, you just don't know it yet. Try and be happy in your new place, I think your ex is jealous of you.

hieveryone

I'm going to hazard a few guesses here:

- your boyfriend isn't very 'good' with money, or doesn't make as much as you.
- your boyfriend possibly likes the finer things in life, therefore leaving him with little to save.
- your boyfriend has probably, at some point, criticised other areas of your life and things you choose to do.


Bottom line, your boyfriend is either a/ threatened by the fact that you can afford to do this on your own, or b/ jealous.

By the way he's acted, I'd go with b. You are better off without him. Enjoy your new home!

paulineb_2

Tbh I can see this from both sides. You were living with him practically but you didnt pay him any money and I can understand why, you had your own space. But even though you were practically living together you didnt want to live together properly until you were married.

Im sorry that you are heartbroken, truly as Im sure lots of people know how bad that is, but youve given off mixed messages. Happy to live with him rent free but you dont really want to live with him until he proposes

Perhaps he feels you arent committed to the relationship. Perhaps hes struggling for money.

I think both of you are at fault and if one of you had made a bit of compromise or communicated a bit better, met one another halfway perhaps you wouldnt be in this situation now.

Bella73

To be really blunt...I know you are hurting right now as its been a shock as it would be to anyone but reading your posts makes me think you've had a lucky escape.

He sounds like a control freak to be honest which unless you are happy to go along with would have ultimately made your unhappy. Sounds like he should move back in with Mummy so he can keep his toys all to himself and not have to share.

Enjoy your new home and look to the future.

hardpressed

I think you now having your own place has made him realise that he can't have it all his own way. You were fitting in with what he wanted, to be in his flat with his things, him not visiting you at your flat because it didn't suit him. Although it's very hard to accept it appears that he wasn't as committed as you were and didn't want the same outcome.

paulineb_2

Has he spoken about marriage to you? Babies? Have you had conversations about your future? It sounds like marriage and kids are very important to you but did he feel the same way?

Tbh, the sensible thing to have done, I think if you had a place and he had a place, if you saw a long term future, would both have been to have sold up or if you were both in rented property, if you really did feel there was a future, move in together.

I do feel for you as I have said, but it does look as if you wanted to unofficially live with him, but not officially live with him until there was a ring on your finger

If I really did love someone Id be living with them, ring or no ring.