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Think I've totally messed up :(

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Comments

  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,374 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    My heart goes to you, it really does. You are so rational about it all, and handling analyzing the situation perfectly. It is really frustrating when you find someone you think you could have a future with, get attached to, and then have to let it go because that other person is not on the same mindset.

    In the end, he wasn't in the right frame of mind for a new serious relationship. Maybe it was because it was just the wrong time, maybe you were not the right person for him, maybe he is just messed up in the his head and unable to commit again, you don't know, but clearly it was not going to go anywhere, however painful it is.

    Wanting to send you a big hug and hope you get over it quicker than you think it might take.
  • Joons
    Joons Posts: 629 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts
    Nobody is perfect but when a guy you've been seeing for 9 months can only `slot` you into their life then it's time to bolt, I don't see him in a relationship with anyone until he comes to value having one.
  • toffee'n'tom
    toffee'n'tom Posts: 425 Forumite
    FBaby wrote: »
    My heart goes to you, it really does. You are so rational about it all, and handling analyzing the situation perfectly. It is really frustrating when you find someone you think you could have a future with, get attached to, and then have to let it go because that other person is not on the same mindset.

    In the end, he wasn't in the right frame of mind for a new serious relationship. Maybe it was because it was just the wrong time, maybe you were not the right person for him, maybe he is just messed up in the his head and unable to commit again, you don't know, but clearly it was not going to go anywhere, however painful it is.

    Wanting to send you a big hug and hope you get over it quicker than you think it might take.

    Thanks for that - it genuinely brought tears to my eyes this morning. I can understand why he's respected and loved by his friends. He'd make a lovely friend but the more I think about it the more I realise that we just weren't compatible.

    I think he needs this big group of people round him, makes him feel secure, and he doesn't want things to be any different. He's a bit pipe and slippers and I'm not ready for that yet.

    One lesson I have learnt out of this though is not to get involved with anyone going through a divorce. My son, who's only 18, did warn me
  • cte1111
    cte1111 Posts: 7,390 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    toffeentom wrote: »
    One lesson I have learnt out of this though is not to get involved with anyone going through a divorce. My son, who's only 18, did warn me

    Ah bless him, 18 year old's are great for advice like that! Not always that easy to find completely unattached / lacking in history, prospective partners when you're past the teenage years.

    Hope that once you've got over the ending of this relationship, you are able to find the strength to maybe look for someone else who would suit you better. Maybe have a look at internet dating? I met my husband online, so it can work.
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    edited 5 July 2013 at 9:29PM
    toffeentom wrote: »
    One lesson I have learnt out of this though is not to get involved with anyone going through a divorce. My son, who's only 18, did warn me


    Totally agree (from experience) You really do need someone who is at the same stage as you.

    I would also say that beware of men with really young children. I was surprised just how many of these are around (men in their 50s)

    I found a couple some such guys who a) wanted someone to look after the kid(s), be their housekeeper more than a relationship or b) they obviously had to have the kids on a weekend and you could never see them and go out on a Saturday night. Been there, raised my own kids and I don't really want to go through that stage again.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Newbie
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 5 July 2013 at 9:31PM
    Your son is young and wise. To cut a long story short, I too met a guy last year who had just split from his ex (within the 2months of me meeting him). I said it was too early for him to start a new relationship, he disagreed. But I was right, I got dumped within the first 2months because he said he didn't know what he wanted. (He said he did though when I met him). He kept contacting me for a long while afterwards and eventually more out of curiosity than anything I met up for a coffee, after hed txt me constantly for 9 months (even on New Years Day) and we got on well. He asked me to dinner and I agreed and im glad I did, as his head was still all over the place a year later.... and ide wasted enough time thinking about him, as I really thought we were good together as he had said too.But he said a lot of contradictory things, ie, he liked the house hes was renting in one sentence then he didn't in another. He wanted to be with someone, but like it when he was by himself. The worst comment he made was how much better of financially he was now that he isn't dating!! Needless to say when he dropped me off home, I asked him to drop me off in the carpark next to my flat and I never contacted him again. I felt like I was just someone he wanted to pass the time with when he was bored whist waiting for the right woman to arrive. Because I agree with a few posters on here that if this guy you was seeing was really into you he wouldn't act the way he was. Which is what happened to me.
  • justme111 wrote: »
    All seems to be very well thought and put across.

    Jojo , there are not enough hours in a day to fit all I do there - I have a child , I work , I run a household , I do sports , I catch up with friends . You implying I don't do enough and that's why I have not met anyone for me ?



    You said you wanted to know where the great guys were. They're out there, and seemed to have settled for one that didn't value you and your presence. I thought that meant you didn't encounter many, if that was the best you could get and were making do.


    They're out there. Most men are lovely. So you'll meet one.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • System
    System Posts: 178,371 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    People in love can't wait to spend time alone together and grab every opportunity. He isn't making any of these opportunities happen it would appear. I think you have your answer.

    So very true!
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • justme111
    justme111 Posts: 3,531 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    You said you wanted to know where the great guys were. They're out there, and seemed to have settled for one that didn't value you and your presence. I thought that meant you didn't encounter many, if that was the best you could get and were making do.


    They're out there. Most men are lovely. So you'll meet one.

    A man being lovely does not make him a good match , I am sure op's guy is lovely but not good for her :). But thank you for your optimistic prognosis , I wish it become true :)
    The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
    Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.
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