Think I've totally messed up :(

Bennifred

Maybe he is a friend rather than anything more. Have you spoken to him frankly about what you both want out of your relationship?

FBaby

OP, I'm going to be very honest and say that I believe if he was really into you, he would want to spend more time with you, no matter how independent he is.

My fiance had a very full on life when we met and made it clear that he wasn't going to give it up. It did cause some problems at times, but things got much better when we moved in together and going to sleep next to him every night, i felt much more happy with him doing his things. Funnily, over time, without any pressure at all from me, he gradually started spending more time at home, saying that he missed me he preferred to spend time with me than with his friends.

He told me early in our relationship that his last two exes ended up breaking with him because they couldn't cope with his lack of commitment (after 18 months for the last one). He told me that he cared for them, but didn't love them enough to want to give up his single life.

No, you definitely didn't do anything wrong and was very right to stop accepting him treating you like a companion rather than a partner. If one day he realises that he was a fool and missed a good life with you, that will be really too bad for him.

toffee'n'tom

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

If he is kind and generous and you enjoy his company then why not enjoy it the little amount you have. I would imagine as you get more acquainted IE. a few years he may ease off some of the other busy activities, things change after a while.

Personally having read some horror stories on here about how many men do 'gaming' of a night but are permitted providing they watch a movie after I would be pleased I had a sociable man who also cared for his family and friends and didn't slouch about grunting!

It is early days he may involve you, have you considered asking if you can join him on the cricket nights etc!? just a thought but he is maybe just seeing how things go, last thing you need to throw at him is pressure!

I really have tried not to put pressure on him. that's why I don't make suggestions and fit seeing him when he has time. He accepts that. I work three days a week so it's not just weekends we could spend more time together but I do feel as if I do fill in his spare time when he would be sitting in his house alone. I don't have a hectic social life. Most of my friends are married with children of their own but I try to see them as often as I can even if it's only for an hour.

I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments - I've been as honest as I can and I know I probably let him badly down by saying i wasn't going to the bbq. But even though my friends and colleagues would consider me to be a confident fun loving person I just felt i couldn't face trying to join in with different groups who'd all known each other for years. Especially when it was made obvious that there wouldn't be a place to stay and I'd be leaving in a taxi. I felt very left out. He was the host and I told him I wouldn't expect him to be worrying about me all evening,

Turtle

I haven't read all the replies but I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect to be at the bottom of the list of my partners things to do in their spare time!

toffee'n'tom

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Ex's some can stay friends with them, their families and mutual friends, nothing wrong with that.

You don't seem that needy. He just sounds like he's not that into you really.

Yes you should have independent lives, but this is the phase where you should be most "into" each other....he doesn't seem fussed. Well rid.

that's exactly what i think and that's exactly how i felt.

dancingfairy

It sounds like you are bending over backwards to fit in with him. If it is bothering you (which it obviously is) then maybe you need to try and have a heart to heart with him. you need to explain to him that while you're happy for him to spend time with his friends and family you'd like to spend a bit more time as a couple.
if all else fails, are you happy to spend time with him but more as friends
a difficult situation
df

toffee'n'tom

cte1111 wrote: »

I would feel the same as you, after 9 months I'd hope to be higher on his priority list. It sounds like his life is complete without a partner TBH.

It's great to have hobbies and friends, however if these are also coupled with a demanding job and big time commitments to (almost grown up) children's activities, then it's difficult to fit much more in.

Organising a big do for his birthday and barely even including you is IMHO pretty hurtful. I'd be taking a step back and wondering whether this relationship is worth the pain.

I was really hurt but he just couldn't see why? His view was he wanted to spend his birthday weekend surrounded by the people he cared about most - which I can understand and it was a lovely thing to say - but i was a bit put out firstly because i felt this was our first year together and I'd got a lovely meal planned and a night together. Whereas he wanted to spend it with his friends (and me for the evening) but I left in a taxi.

bagpussbear

I don't think you're being unreasonable either and I think if I was in your shoes I'd be feeling the same.

I hate to say this, but I doubt he is in love with you, maybe seeing you as a good friend (with benefits?) which may explain why he wants you in his life around all the other things, but not equally.

People in love can't wait to spend time alone together and grab every opportunity. He isn't making any of these opportunities happen it would appear. I think you have your answer.

Move on toffee, there's other nice fellas out there who would love to spend time with you :-)

krlyr

As others have said, if he wanted to make more of an effort, he would. It sounds like you're quite convenient for him at the moment as you bend to suit him - but if push came to shove and you asked him to change, he's already shown that he's not willing to, even with just one or two small compromises.
If you want more from a relationship, I too would say walk away from this one now, before you invest more time, effort and emotion into it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It doesn't mean a great deal whether you were in the right or being unreasonable.

He's finished with you because you wanted different things from your life and relationship. You're not compatible, he's told you this - and that's that.



Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he is now your ex and the sooner you realise this, the sooner you can move on.