Think I've totally messed up :(

FBaby

The worse about a boyfriend/partner who prioritise his friends/activities/work before you is not only that you miss him and the fun things you get to share together, but it inevitably eats at your self-esteem and confidence. This already seems to be the case with you considering the choice of your thread's title.

I can appreciate how hard it is to move on from a relationship with a man with many qualities who you have fallen with, with whom you've seen many possibilities, but as everyone have said, after 9 months, if he felt anything more for you than a companion when it suits him, he would have started, without even being fully aware of it, spending some more time with you, especially on special occasions.

If you had told him you had enough and he had come back to you apologising for neglecting you and saying he was going to make an effort, there might have been something to save, but with him telling you that he isn't sure about the relationship when all you've been is patient is understanding really doesn't fare well. Trevor is definitely a better bet

paddy's_mum

isitenough wrote: »

if they're a couple

In this man's mind, they're not a couple and therein lies the heart of the problem.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Lucky escape - he could have been different and attentive, hooked you in, then once you'd moved in then started to be completely taken with other activities. At least he has been up front in his approach to life.

ostrichnomore_2

Oh OP, you sound lovely. And it sounds like he either just wasn't really that into you, or isn't really into having a relationship at the moment.

next time, think about yourself a bit more. This is going to sound awful but you acted like a bit of a doormat and he walked all over you. It's not just about wanting them to like you, it's also about evaluating them and seeing if they are a person who will make you happy, and what they do to bring that about. He doesn't sound all that interested in making you happy, he's only interested in himself. Selfishness is not good, but neither is putting yourself last all the time. You are allowed to make a few demands. You fall in with what suits them sometimes, and they fall in with what suits you sometimes. Both of you have needs and if someone really cares about you then they make sure your needs are met as well as theirs. This involves a bit of compromise sometimes.

I've spent several hours over the last week watching village cricket, and footie and tennis on TV, which frankly I found somewhat boring, but it made new blokey very happy. On the other hand, he was going to go to a footie match this weekend but is now coming out for an all-day BBQ with some of my friends instead, which is making me very happy. We each have our own interests and lives, but we are starting to share them - but in both directions. He's slotting into my life at the same time that I'm slotting into his. I can't see how it could work if it's only one way.

I had an incredibly busy schedule for the first couple of months - terrible one - and I know he found it hard that there were a few weeks when we barely saw each other, and he often had to come low on my priorities. But this was temporary. I wouldn't expect anyone to deal with that permanently. He understood why and I made sure that I made it clear he was still important to me, and I spent as much time as I could with him, because I wanted to.

Look at this as a learning experience! You've learned you need to value yourself a bit more and not be taken for granted in a relationship. And you've escaped from what sounds like a very frustrating and boring future life...

Also if a man isn't into the physical side of things at the start, he never will be. You shouldn't live with that.

lostinrates

He wasn't physically passionate. He wasn't supportive of your emotional wants. He wasn't eager to spend time with you and filling you with pleasure and ease about at least comforting and relaxed relationship.

OP, I think you've totally just fixed a mess up by moving on!

Hopefully you can both now find someone more suited to your respective personalities.

System

Seems like he's treating you as no more than one of his 'commitments'.

You deserve more.

toffee'n'tom

Richard53 wrote: »

He's not worthy of you. Move on. And you don't need to be polite about it, either.

You seem to be way down his list of priorities, and no-one deserves that, especially someone who sounds as nice and kind as you do. He sounds like an extremely dull man, who is more interested in friends and family than a hot weekend with a (relatively) new partner. A cup of tea instead of sex? Come on ... maybe after your golden wedding, perhaps.

The guy is dull, family-fixated, sexless, and emotionally illiterate. There are far better guys out there. You're only 48! Get on with your life and find someone who treats you properly. We are out there, you know

Tell me where Richard?? And how do we get to meet them??

justme111

Next time you will know if you are unhappy with something you do not just silently suffer because it will be taken for granted and after you finally say something you will get an indignation because they are used to you just taking it

Mojisola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

In this man's mind, they're not a couple and therein lies the heart of the problem.

paddy's mum has hit the point - toffee wants a complete, full-on relationship where the couple put each other first whereas the man has a full life with plenty of friends and relations and is happy to have a companion in his life but doesn't want a more in-depth relationship.

He's perfectly entitled to live his life like this.

The two people involved want different things from the relationship so it doesn't have a future.

treeze

I think that's spot on...if he was really really REALLY wanting a full on relationship with you,all these other things wouldn't get a look in-he'd only have eyes for you.Likewise,maybe you want to be in a relationship full stop more than you really want him? You say he's not your usual type but he's kind,generous etc. My ex husband was but at the end of the day you need something more and and this stage you should be all over each other:rotfl:Sounds like his life is full and he just wants a companion for now and then-that's why he's getting angry when you're wanting more and what may seem to him putting pressure on him.