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Think I've totally messed up :(
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I don't want to make him out to be a bad guy - he's not. He is kind and generous and I'd probably describe him and solid and 'salt of the earth type'. But I suppose I'm trying to find all the things that weren't quite right to make me feel better.
Airing all this though has made me feel like perhaps I'm not a bad person either which was how I was feeling (I still feel bad about letting him down at the weekend though)
Just a couple of things that I need to get off my chest about his exes sister and husband. He only gets 17 weekends off a year. 3 of those in the last 2 months have been spent with them.
When I said about how left out I felt (especially at the birthday weekend when we didn't spend one second alone) he said well what more can I do than invite you as they're staying. My reply was, rightly or wrongly but it was how I felt, why didn't you say to them that you don't get many weekends to spend with me, and that I was staying over with you, especially as it was your birthday. You'd love them to come over and stay too if they were comfortable with that.
His reply was had I ever thought that they may not be comfortable with me staying given that it was his exes sister.
The other thing with the 'romance' side was when I brought up how I felt about what had happened he said to me had it crossed my mind that he may not have wanted sex and that's not what he came away for this weekend.
He works 4 on 4 off shirts and I'm off every weekend and thursday/friday. As I said before he always does his mother's shopping and goes to see her on a Friday. I've got an elderly mother too and I take her shopping but I've been arranging that when he's working. She understands perfectly. I've often been tempted to say - live dangerously - shop on a Wednesday
I really haven't put any pressure on him. And it's him who's been planning our future more than me. He's having to sell his house and he was talking about moving into mine eventually, building a grand extension. I'm happy with my house as it is and didn't want that, but I didn't say anything. He talked about what roles we'd play in the relationship - he'd be the cook and I could iron (now that irriated me!!!)
I can honestly say, hand on heart, the only 'pressure' I put on him on a couple of occasions was to ask him to stay over with me0 -
I'm happy with my house as it is and didn't want that, but I didn't say anything..................
....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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He's trying to make you feel that his way is reasonable, and to him it is, but I think to most of us it's all a bit strange if he really is serious about you.
'His reply was had I ever thought that they may not be comfortable with me staying given that it was his exes sister.' So....this are very good friends of his but he can't admit to them that you are his girlfriend and not just a friend? Was he planning on keeping this deceipt up forever? If he can't admit to you after 9 months, then he probably never intended to. If he can't tell his friends about you, that's a huge warning sign that he isn't really serious. I'm sure you weren't planning on having a hugely wild and noisy night of mad sex while other guests were there, but if his friends can't accept you simply sharing a bed, hmmmmmm :mad:
The other thing with the 'romance' side was when I brought up how I felt about what had happened he said to me had it crossed my mind that he may not have wanted sex and that's not what he came away for this weekend. Hey, no one wants sex all the time. But three nights on the trot on a weekend away - your only weekend away in a new relationship - is not normal. Maybe he has a performance problem and was too embarrassed to discuss this with you? But if he can't discuss intimate things then also that's not a great sign.
I'd be heaving a sigh of relief. He was not interested in the same sort of relationship as you were. You were expected to put your needs last and his first all the time. He doesn't sound kind and generous to me, he sounds selfish. You made a lucky getaway.[STRIKE][/STRIKE]I am a long term poster using an alter ego for debts and anything where I might mention relationship problems or ex. I hope you understandLBM 08/03/11. Debts Family member [STRIKE]£1600[/STRIKE], HMRC NI £324.AA [STRIKE]137.45[/STRIKE]. Halifax credit card (debt sold to Arrow Global)[STRIKE]673.49[/STRIKE]Mystery CCJ £252 Santander overdraft £[STRIKE]239[/STRIKE] £0 .0 -
toffeentom wrote: »
Tell me where Richard?? And how do we get to meet them??
By going out, having hobbies, taking courses, learning new things, making friends and having a life of your own, rather than waiting for one to fall out of the sky. Unless you start doing abseiling and parachute jumps.
Oh yes, and not seeing the first guy who expresses an interest as the answer to all your loneliness. That puts a lot of them off.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
His ex and her brother did know about us from a very early stage. That wasn't the case at all. He really wanted me to meet them and we met for lunch half way before christmas.
He said of all his friends he really wanted me to like them because they were his best friends and he'd got weekends away planned with them. He'd said how he could play golf with his bro-in-law whilst me and the sis went shopping!!!!!
I don't think he ever could quite understand that i couldn't be forced to like anyone, if I did I did but even if I wasn't keen that wouldn't stop me being pleasant and having a good time with them occasionally.
As it was I liked the brother in law. He had my sense of humour. Not as keen on the sister though. And not because she was his exes sister but because she just wouldn't be my choice of friend..0 -
Oh yes, and not seeing the first guy who expresses an interest as the answer to all your loneliness. That puts a lot of them off.
And just to add when we first met it was him who was totally full on - not me. He wanted to make 2 or 3 arrangments in advance because of his shift work. I found that a bit much.
I've never made the arrangements - just fitted in when he was free. When I think about it it seems to me as if everything moved very quickly and he/we've settled into a relationship like an old married couple too soon.
I genuinely believe he loved me and he will be upset about all this too but I think we're just too different.
And I'm not lonely. But it was lovely having adult male company and I will miss him.0 -
Part of me want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is slow in the process because he is scared to be in a committed relationship again, so makes 1 step forward, 2 backwards, but what would concern me is what you said in your OP:the next day called him when he told me we needed a break, he was unhappy, cross, angry and felt he had to think about things as he couldn't see how he could be with me and carry on the way he has with others
He might have said these words out of anger at the time and not fully mean them, but it is still concerning that he would feel under pressure with how little expectations you have of his time.
I think the bottom line is whether he does, once his defenses are down, understand how you feel and why you consider that at the stage of your relationship, you want to spend more and better quality time with him. I think it would be totally legitimate to ask him honestly where he sees your relationship evolving as from your perspective, what you are sharing currently can only be a very slow start to something committed and if he, on the other hand, sees it how the long term position of your relationship, you are clearly on different paths and better to go your own way asap.0 -
So as they are relatives of an ex and it would be awkward for all to share the house it was you who had to go home in a taxi ? - charming.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
Last post on this one. He contacted me today. We met up tonight. Long and short he split up with his wife over 2 years ago. Assured me he was over it when we first met and I believe he genuinely is over her, although I think she broke his heart.
But he is still in the middle of a divorce which isn't settled financially. Said because of the person he is, he needs to feel settled, know where he's going, knows what he's doing the next day, next week and next year, that it's making him ill and he can't cope with that and a relationship. Every time we had the slightest hiccup it put more pressure on him and to be honest, because I was in a different place that didn't cross my mind because he didn't tell me. He said that he even worried that my son and his eldest (who's the tearaway, dq from driving twice, stolen from his family etc) would never be able to have a sunday lunch together. It was very emotional, more on his part than mine because I shed my tears last week.
If I'm honest I could see this happening. I told him recently he made me feel unsettled. He was sometimes all over the place. I had my house up for sale at the time but took it off the market because he asked me to. Telling me he wanted to do this grand extension on my house. Next minute wanting to buy a property of his own. Next something else. He kept telling me the one thing he was sure of was he wanted me in his future.
Fortunately I have a sensible head on my shoulders and I didn't let my heart rule my head and always kept it in the back of my mind that this may not go anywhere.
Because I genuinely think he was upset I didn't talk about the big differences between us or the weekend away but I did say that I thought he was making a mistake and if i walked out the door I wouldn't be looking back.
He talked about the emotional ties he has with his house with the work he put into it (his wife didn't lift a finger). But to be honest my ex and I BOTH put blood, sweat and tears into our house. I lived through the winter in one, room with no glass in the windows, no floorboards to get to the bathroom, no kitchen. i've knocked down walls, built new ones, saved from one month to the next to buy bricks. But at the end of the day (I hate sayings like that) as I explained to him, it's a house. It's not alive and breathing and able to show emotion. and the most important thing to me is I would make wherever I was with my partner and/or family would be my home.
He offered to help me out if I needed it with my place (I needed to sell because the gardens are getting to much for me to maintain alone) but I said that's not why I loved him. I was with him because I wanted to, not because I needed to. I've managed myself for the past 6 years. I'll manage again.
Part of me thinks because of where he was he shouldn't have asked me out in the first place. The other part of me says that I enjoyed the time with him and his company.
I still feel he is a genuine, kind and honest guy and when he gets himself out of the mess (I didn't realise he was in) the person he ends up with will be really lucky.
But I'll have to move on. Thanks for all your help0 -
All seems to be very well thought and put across.
Jojo , there are not enough hours in a day to fit all I do there - I have a child , I work , I run a household , I do sports , I catch up with friends . You implying I don't do enough and that's why I have not met anyone for me ?The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0
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