Think I've totally messed up :(

paulineb_2

I think if someone posts using a mobile phone its harder to separate the text into paragraphs.

Mojisola

toffeentom wrote: »

I'd really appreciate some honesty from people who don't know me.

I'm 48 and divorced. About 9 months ago i was asked out by a guy who I sort of knew through my children's sport. It wasn't love at first sight but I'd been told he was a nice guy, I hadn't had a date in 6 years since my marriage break up so I thought I'd give it a go. Cut a long story short I think we fell in love and have been seeing each other since last week when we've split.

He's not what people would probably say is my type but he is a kind, honest, generous and loyal guy. He brings me flowers and holds my hand which I lovel. He has his house which he is selling becaue of his divorce and lives with his 18 year old son and 2 cats (I don't like cats - he adores them and they sleep on his bed) He has an older son who lives with his mum - he's gone off the rails a bit. I have my house and live with my 18 and 16 year old. We'd really seriously discussed a future together.

This is the situation. He has so many commitments I feel sometimes like I'm just slotted in. He works shifts 4 on 4 off which isn't great. He does gardening work for friends when he's off. He now takes his son to cricket practice and matches about 3 times a week and once once or twice on a weekend. He does his mother's shopping and cooks for her on a Friday. He has a good friend locally who has supported him through his divorce and sees him often.

He is best friends with his ex-wife's sister and brother in law who live away. Recently we'd probably seen each other once a week, maybe for a couple of hours in the evening for a drink. Maybe a lunch out and maybe an evening out with his friends every 2 to 3 weeks when I would ask him if he would either stay with me or vice versa.

Thing is he always makes the arrangements and I fit in with them because of all his commitments. I've probably only made a couple of suggestions because he sort of makes it clear what his commitments are and I don't want to suggest anything and be rejected.

He doesn't get many weekends off a year and likes things planned on those he has. I'm not like that. He likes to plan things with his friends and I'm included but I find it all a bit overwhelming and I want us to spend more time alone given we don't get much time together.. In the last two months he has spent three of his weekends off with his exes sister and brother in law. Friday until the Monday. Once at theier house and twice at his.

This is where I'm not sure whether I've spoken out of turn and it's all my fault. the first weekend at his house was his birthday. I wanted to plan something special together until i found out he'd invited them over for the weekend. I was upset and a bit put out. He had plans for us to go out for a meal on the friday with them and for me to attend a birthday bbq the following day.. But I wasn't invited to stay. I felt like an invited guest and not the person he wanted to spend his future with.

The same has happened again last weekend. I was going to stay over but then he told phoned me and told me even more of his exes family were staying with their partners. No room for me then and on this occasion i wasn't invited on the friday either. just the bbq on the saturday.

I was a bit short with him - couple of glasses of wine and pmt not a good mix and I told him i felt very left out again and I didn't feel comfortable coming to the bbq (there were about 60 of his family and friends going, none of which i knew) and the next day called him when he told me we needed a break, he was unhappy, cross, angry and felt he had to think about things as he couldn't see how he could be with me and carry on the way he has with others.

I felt quite hurt that he made the time, three whole weekens to spend with them, but not me. The only weekend we have spent together is when we went to York recently but that was organised around another commitment. He's had two holidays from work recently where i would have loved to have spent days out together but he's got it all mapped out with his gardening etc. He talks about us having weekends away with his exes sister and her husband - and going on holiday with others. I don't want that at all.

He's always tired and it always seems to be me who wants the nights together and when we do spend them it's me who makes the first move!! My kids don't think we're compatible. They like him but they think I'm full of life and funny and he's slow and steady wins the race and not a laugh a minute. But he is so kind and generous.

There are other differences between us and things about him which i believe may become issues over time but am I expecting too much. Am i totally unreasonable?

Hope that helps!

marisco_2

I think it is important for people to maintain a level of independence when they are in a relationship. To want to take time to stay in contact with friends and family, to pursue their own interests and meet important commitments and responsibilities is normal and healthy. However this doesn't need to be done to the degree, whereby the person someone is partnered up with is left feeling like they are just fitted in, as and when there is nothing else on.

A healthy relationship has a balance to it where each person takes the other one into account, wants to spend quality time alone with their partner, respects give and take and is willing to compromise. As things stand your relationship with this guy appears to be solely on his terms. Something that clearly does not sit well with you. I think you need to decide if you two are really compatible, as I don't get the impression that your partner would be all that willing to adjust his lifestyle and how you fit into it, from the way things are now.

Dunroamin

toffeentom wrote: »

I think he had all these commitments. And he resented his ex wife from having a massive commitment to a theatre company where she would spend every evening and weekend in rehearsals leading up to a show.
.

Sounds to me as if he hasn't learnt anything from the break up of his first marriage, which could be the most worrying thing.

tinkerbell28

Ex's some can stay friends with them, their families and mutual friends, nothing wrong with that.

You don't seem that needy. He just sounds like he's not that into you really.

Yes you should have independent lives, but this is the phase where you should be most "into" each other....he doesn't seem fussed. Well rid.

cte1111

I would feel the same as you, after 9 months I'd hope to be higher on his priority list. It sounds like his life is complete without a partner TBH.

It's great to have hobbies and friends, however if these are also coupled with a demanding job and big time commitments to (almost grown up) children's activities, then it's difficult to fit much more in.

Organising a big do for his birthday and barely even including you is IMHO pretty hurtful. I'd be taking a step back and wondering whether this relationship is worth the pain.

nearlyrich

I get what you are saying, you don't want him to drop everything for you but it would be nice to be considered first sometimes, I think there is some compatibility issues between you which is not always a huge problem but if he never compromises at all he could be pretty selfish and that will come out in other ways.

You have an opportunity to take a break and to maybe meet other men have some fun that doesn't have to be planned 6 months in advance.

If you are meant to be together you will be together..hope everything works out well.

moneysaymoneydo

If he is kind and generous and you enjoy his company then why not enjoy it the little amount you have. I would imagine as you get more acquainted IE. a few years he may ease off some of the other busy activities, things change after a while.

Personally having read some horror stories on here about how many men do 'gaming' of a night but are permitted providing they watch a movie after I would be pleased I had a sociable man who also cared for his family and friends and didn't slouch about grunting!

It is early days he may involve you, have you considered asking if you can join him on the cricket nights etc!? just a thought but he is maybe just seeing how things go, last thing you need to throw at him is pressure!

Errata

It seems like he has a full and happy social life and you're part of it, it's just not the part you want to play. He may be being very sensible, family and friends last a long time but girl friends can come and go.

trevorsminted

And they say women come along and try and change a man :j

At least he has a healthy social life, maybe you could suggest getting involved more. 9 months is not long and things do seem to unravel after a while and change and people move on so I would hang fire without the pressure especially if he is as nice as you say!

Re the cleaning his mums house just forward a couple of years you wont need to do 100% of the housework whilst he slops about in dirty joggers playing shooting games and forgetting you even exist :rotfl: