Think I've totally messed up :(

toffee'n'tom

I'd really appreciate some honesty from people who don't know me.
I'm 48 and divorced. About 9 months ago i was asked out by a guy who I sort of knew through my children's sport. It wasn't love at first sight but I'd been told he was a nice guy, I hadn't had a date in 6 years since my marriage break up so I thought I'd give it a go. Cut a long story short I think we fell in love and have been seeing each other since last week when we've split.
He's not what people would probably say is my type but he is a kind, honest, generous and loyal guy. He brings me flowers and holds my hand which I lovel. He has his house which he is selling becaue of his divorce and lives with his 18 year old son and 2 cats (I don't like cats - he adores them and they sleep on his bed) He has an older son who lives with his mum - he's gone off the rails a bit. I have my house and live with my 18 and 16 year old. We'd really seriously discussed a future together.
This is the situation. He has so many commitments I feel sometimes like I'm just slotted in. He works shifts 4 on 4 off which isn't great. He does gardening work for friends when he's off. He now takes his son to cricket practice and matches about 3 times a week and once once or twice on a weekend. He does his mother's shopping and cooks for her on a Friday. He has a good friend locally who has supported him through his divorce and sees him often. He is best friends with his ex-wife's sister and brother in law who live away. Recently we'd probably seen each other once a week, maybe for a couple of hours in the evening for a drink. Maybe a lunch out and maybe an evening out with his friends every 2 to 3 weeks when I would ask him if he would either stay with me or vice versa. Thing is he always makes the arrangements and I fit in with them because of all his commitments. I've probably only made a couple of suggestions because he sort of makes it clear what his commitments are and I don't want to suggest anything and be rejected.
He doesn't get many weekends off a year and likes things planned on those he has. I'm not like that. He likes to plan things with his friends and I'm included but I find it all a bit overwhelming and I want us to spend more time alone given we don't get much time together.. In the last two months he has spent three of his weekends off with his exes sister and brother in law. Friday until the Monday. Once at theier house and twice at his. This is where I'm not sure whether I've spoken out of turn and it's all my fault. the first weekend at his house was his birthday. I wanted to plan something special together until i found out he'd invited them over for the weekend. I was upset and a bit put out. He had plans for us to go out for a meal on the friday with them and for me to attend a birthday bbq the following day.. But I wasn't invited to stay. I felt like an invited guest and not the person he wanted to spend his future with. The same has happened again last weekend. I was going to stay over but then he told phoned me and told me even more of his exes family were staying with their partners. No room for me then and on this occasion i wasn't invited on the friday either. just the bbq on the saturday. I was a bit short with him - couple of glasses of wine and pmt not a good mix and I told him i felt very left out again and I didn't feel comfortable coming to the bbq (there were about 60 of his family and friends going, none of which i knew) and the next day called him when he told me we needed a break, he was unhappy, cross, angry and felt he had to think about things as he couldn't see how he could be with me and carry on the way he has with others. I felt quite hurt that he made the time, three whole weekens to spend with them, but not me. The only weekend we have spent together is when we went to York recently but that was organised around another commitment. He's had two holidays from work recently where i would have loved to have spent days out together but he's got it all mapped out with his gardening etc. He talks about us having weekends away with his exes sister and her husband - and going on holiday with others. I don't want that at all.
He's always tired and it always seems to be me who wants the nights together and when we do spend them it's me who makes the first move!! My kids don't think we're compatible. They like him but they think I'm full of life and funny and he's slow and steady wins the race and not a laugh a minute. But he is so kind and generous.
There are other differences between us and things about him which i believe may become issues over time but am I expecting too much. Am i totally unreasonable?

Treevo

That's a bit difficult to read as one big paragraph.

It sounds as if you want him to cut out his friends just because one happens to be related to his ex, you want him to drop his commitments to his children for you and you didn't want to be introduced to his friends and family but instead wanted him to drop them all and spend every spare moment alone with you.

I think you're being unreasonable.

toffee'n'tom

Thanks for being honest. But I don't want him to cut out his friends and it definitely isn't because it's his exes sister. I just want him to make time to spend with me. And I certainly don't want him to drop his commitments to his chidlren. i have two of my own. I just added that to show how much he has on. I spoke about this to my brother and his first comment was it sounds like he wants to carry on living his life exactly as it was before he met you and you have to slot into it. Not build a new relationship together where we compromise. I've rearranged lots of things with my friends and arranged for my children to have lifts to make sure that I see him when he suggests.

isitenough

That's not the impression I got Treevo tbh. I think OP just wants to have more time with her man and not feel like a spare part. Nothing wrong with that if they're a couple. Give and take.
Only the OP can make the decision on this though I feel. Either live this way and accept it (as it sounds like he won't change or drop any commitments) or end it.
Sorry that's not helpful!

paulineb_2

I dont think you are being unreasonable, I think you just want to spend time with him, not a big deal when you are dating. It does sound like he needs to have his social life planned well in advance and you need to slot in with whatever he is doing.

Dunroamin

Do you think he had all these commitments when he was married before or has he taken them on to fill the gaps left by his divorce?

thehappybutterfly

clearly you're just incompatible in terms of socialising. He likes to surround himself with friends and family and know where's he's going and who with at any given time. And you don't. It's not that you're being unreasonable - just honest I guess. maybe he had an issue with his ex stopping him from seeing friends and family during their time together and he's made a decision not to fall into that trap again.

Either you decide that the relationship just isn't right for you and you move on, or you resign yourself to not being the most important person in his life and accept the relationship as it is. It depends on how much you like him.

toffee'n'tom

isitenough wrote: »

That's not the impression I got Treevo tbh. I think OP just wants to have more time with her man and not feel like a spare part. Nothing wrong with that if they're a couple. Give and take.
Only the OP can make the decision on this though I feel. Either live this way and accept it (as it sounds like he won't change or drop any commitments) or end it.
Sorry that's not helpful!

You're wrong - that's very helpful - thank you

toffee'n'tom

Dunroamin wrote: »

Do you think he had all these commitments when he was married before or has he taken them on to fill the gaps left by his divorce?

I think he had all these commitments. And he resented his ex wife from having a massive commitment to a theatre company where she would spend every evening and weekend in rehearsals leading up to a show.

I just want to spend more time just the two of us, although we've been seeing each other for nine months i feel i need to know him better.

Tiddlywinks

Sorry, just couldn't get past the first 20 lines of text...

Any chance of some paragraph breaks? They act like pausing for breath and would make the story easier to follow.

I hope you don't talk like you write...

Mojisola

As this is the first relationship since your divorce, maybe you were expecting too much?

Why not have a break and meet up with a few more men. Keep things friendly and casual and see what turns up.