Think I've totally messed up :(

Pixiechic

I think that you were right to say how you felt and his response of having a break is quite telling.

I wonder what you are getting out of it? He doesn't spend much time with you but 'fits you in'. He doesn't instigate romance. You seem to be quite low down on his list of priorities.

I wouldn't contact him and just leave it and see what happens. I wouldn't put a lot of effort into being with someone who didn't reciprocate.

CH27

toffeentom wrote: »

I was really hurt but he just couldn't see why? His view was he wanted to spend his birthday weekend surrounded by the people he cared about most - which I can understand and it was a lovely thing to say - but i was a bit put out firstly because i felt this was our first year together and I'd got a lovely meal planned and a night together. Whereas he wanted to spend it with his friends (and me for the evening) but I left in a taxi.

Did you talk to him about it?
Did he presume he had to make his own arrangements as normal?

toffee'n'tom

FBaby wrote: »

OP, I'm going to be very honest and say that I believe if he was really into you, he would want to spend more time with you, no matter how independent he is.

My fiance had a very full on life when we met and made it clear that he wasn't going to give it up. It did cause some problems at times, but things got much better when we moved in together and going to sleep next to him every night, i felt much more happy with him doing his things. Funnily, over time, without any pressure at all from me, he gradually started spending more time at home, saying that he missed me he preferred to spend time with me than with his friends.


He told me early in our relationship that his last two exes ended up breaking with him because they couldn't cope with his lack of commitment (after 18 months for the last one). He told me that he cared for them, but didn't love them enough to want to give up his single life.

No, you definitely didn't do anything wrong and was very right to stop accepting him treating you like a companion rather than a partner. If one day he realises that he was a fool and missed a good life with you, that will be really too bad for him.

You've made me feel so much better about myself. I don't think I'll have much choice in the matter. I'm waiting for him to get back in touch with me and I think he'll be saying that it's over. I did write a letter to him after that horrible phone call when he said he wanted a break and he was angry to explain how i felt because it knocked me for six and i wasn't expecting it. i did miss important bits out but I'm not going to write again. I'll just pick myself up and carry on

toffee'n'tom

bagpussbear wrote: »

I don't think you're being unreasonable either and I think if I was in your shoes I'd be feeling the same.

I hate to say this, but I doubt he is in love with you, maybe seeing you as a good friend (with benefits?) which may explain why he wants you in his life around all the other things, but not equally.

People in love can't wait to spend time alone together and grab every opportunity. He isn't making any of these opportunities happen it would appear. I think you have your answer.

Move on toffee, there's other nice fellas out there who would love to spend time with you :-)

thank you. I think i know the answer. i told him in my letter that i just wanted to grab every opportunity to spend time with him. I even told him i jumped at the chance to drive about 100 miles to tend a family grave (which he promised his father he would do) just to spend the day with him.

toffee'n'tom

CH27 wrote: »

Did you talk to him about it?
Did he presume he had to make his own arrangements as normal?

I did talk to him about it but he just couldn't see why i felt so hurt about it. And I can understand his point of view too. He said that his ex wife would never have arranged anything for him, he always did it himself so he was just carrying on as usual. But I was also a bit hurt that he'd arranged it with his exes sister and husband on the weekend he stayed with them and not even told me until we saw each other the week after he got back.

trevorsminted

Awh toffee I wish I lived beside you I would like to take you out, you seem like a lovely person who has lots of love to give although I don't like cricket, I am Scottish we don't understand it up here much

It does sound harsh but yes he does sound as though he just didn't seem that into you, never mind they say there is someone for everyone you will meet your match one day :T

toffee'n'tom

Pixiechic wrote: »

I think that you were right to say how you felt and his response of having a break is quite telling.

I wonder what you are getting out of it? He doesn't spend much time with you but 'fits you in'. He doesn't instigate romance. You seem to be quite low down on his list of priorities.

I wouldn't contact him and just leave it and see what happens. I wouldn't put a lot of effort into being with someone who didn't reciprocate.

My ex husband always bottled things up. I never do and always say how i feel. he said his wife bottled things up too and he appreciated someone who was honest. but when i say how i feel he doesn't like it. And as for the romance thing - that does concern me - believe me it's not something on my mind all the time, but when we were away for the weekend (can't believe I'm saying this) the first night he fell asleep, the second night proceedings were stopped whilst he had to finish his cup of tea!!! The last morning he wanted a cup of tea so i just went for a shower. he couldn't understand why i was a bit upset about that.

toffee'n'tom

trevorsminted wrote: »

Awh toffee I wish I lived beside you I would like to take you out, you seem like a lovely person who has lots of love to give although I don't like cricket, I am Scottish we don't understand it up here much

It does sound harsh but yes he does sound as though he just didn't seem that into you, never mind they say there is someone for everyone you will meet your match one day :T

I wished you lived near me too - and I don't like cricket either - but I was going to spend the day watching his son play in a tournament to spend the day with him!!!

If I'm honest I also think I'm dreading the day when my children leave home, which hopefully they both will to go to uni next year and the year after. I want them to go but I will miss them terribly because we've grown so close since my marriage break. We have such fun together and maybe I rely on their company too much.

This was my first relationship in six years and I can't make up my mind whether I will miss him or miss the company and companionship?

trevorsminted

Off subject Toffee but well done seeing your kids to Uni after a divorce, and you sound as though you put them first you are a credit to your children.

I think its his loss which he may see somewhere down the line, you were willing to sacrifice a lot more than it sounds he was, have you considered once the kids have left home moving to Perthshire and living with a non cricket, non cleaning his mums house Scottish man who loves a woman to be his rock 24/7 :rotfl:

Seriously you sound so nice, one day your prince is going to snap you up!

Pixiechic

toffeentom wrote: »

My ex husband always bottled things up. I never do and always say how i feel. he said his wife bottled things up too and he appreciated someone who was honest. but when i say how i feel he doesn't like it. And as for the romance thing - that does concern me - believe me it's not something on my mind all the time, but when we were away for the weekend (can't believe I'm saying this) the first night he fell asleep, the second night proceedings were stopped whilst he had to finish his cup of tea!!! The last morning he wanted a cup of tea so i just went for a shower. he couldn't understand why i was a bit upset about that.

It doesn't sound like you are that compatible and maybe more friends.

Don't sell yourself short, there are men out there who would jump at the chance to spend time with you.

He may think about what you've said and make an effort but if he doesn't then I would move on.