My younger sister is terminally ill. I don't know what to do. Am lost actually.

belfastgirl23

You are doing something really tough, you are allowing yourself to be led by what it is that your sister wants. You should be proud of yourself, this is a very very difficult thing to do. And a lot of people don't manage it. Her needs might change as time goes on but for now what you're doing is exactly the right thing. And I think you know this deep down.

Which leads me to ask, are you sure what you're feeling really is guilt? Because it sounds to me like it's actually grief. Don't be afraid to feel it and acknowledge it, you need to look after yourself as well so that you can be there to support your sister and her family. Take whatever support you can get so that you can stay strong for them.

Wishing you well for the coming times.

PS it is really useful to hear about other people's experiences here but every individual has a different experience of this kind of illness, you should listen first and foremost to your own instincts, which seem to be good.

pleasedelete

My friends husband died in denial. It was really challenging afterwards which is where I was useful. He didn't even leave his pc password. They had no idea about pensions, non joint accounts etc etc

The thing for me was that lots of people were there at the time. A lot less were there 12 months later and it is now 3 years. Just be there for the family. Don't forget- keep in touch. Be prepared to be practical.

Near the end we were due to be meeting )we worked together). I went to her house. She was knackered. I sent her to bed and spent 3 hours cleaning g the house. I sent online food shopping etc.

I should add I was once declared terminally Ill and by a fluke and a very brave doctor who broke all the rules I survived. Having faced death I think you reach a calm where you feel ready - hard to describe really.

melanzana

Hi all.

Earlier having arrived home from work, I rang sis. Scared to do it, but did it. Can't explain the fear.

She is going to hospital tomorrow to have fluid drained from lung. I really cant recall how that came about, as nothing of that nature was mentioned at the weekend, but no matter.

The hospital reckon that is what is causing the nausea and all the rest of it.

Problem is, she is on Avastin so that Will be stopped for the lung procedure.

But TBH, the fact that the Hosp are going ahead with this is good from her perspective. At least they are doing something....is what she said earlier.

As of now, I am waiting for tomorrow.

I have read all your posts, and can only thank you all so much for your advice, and the benefit of your experiences, sad as some of those are.

Will check in later.

troubleinparadise

Dear Melanzana,

Well done on ringing your sister despite your sense of fear:

Earlier having arrived home from work, I rang sis. Scared to do it, but did it. Can't explain the fear.

Belfastgirl23 wrote wondering if what you were feeling was not guilt, but grief...

I do remember vividly being phoned by the hospital when my dad was near the end, and feeling an overwhelming sense of fear and panic when I realised why I was being told to come in quickly.

We are never ready for losing someone, and it is always too soon. Facing something we dread, and have no training for.

BG23 counsels to trust your instinct - good advice. Follow your heart, and try to look after your health by eating and sleeping where you can to keep your strength up. You will cope, there are hidden inner reserves that we find within ourselves even in the most difficult of situations.

Take care :A

melanzana

Hello all.

I'm sorry I had to abandon the thread last night. But I do appreciate your contributions very much. I think I had a bit of a melt down, and the anonymity of here was just what I needed.

Sis had her lung drained of fluid today. But all did not go well. The lung collapsed and air got in, so there was a bit of terror around as you can imagine. Anyhow, she is ok now, but in pain, for which the nurse gave her two Panadol! The consultant will be on rounds about 8.30 and she will hopefully get something stronger.

We are all hoping that this procedure will bring some relief to her horrible discomfort that we noticed at the weekend.

It is not a cure, and the fluid can recur quite quickly, but hopefully the pressure of the fluid will dissipate and she might be able to eat more comfortably.

Thank you all again. I was a bit upset yesterday. But onwards and upwards now, for as long as we can. Xx

wik

Dear Melanzana,
We lost my darling mum 2 years ago - she hated her cancer, and outlived the inital diagnosis by 18 months... At first she was in denial, and then was angry with it, and then we talked a lot and she and i made a pact, and we laughed every day - at silly things. It was my father who was in denial
In fact when mum had to go into the hospice it was me who had to tell him that it was near the end - I also had to tell my brother, let just say it was hard...
I would say visit when you can and just chat - not about the coming end, but about 'stuff', if you cant visit, send texts, mum used to love it when she got texts from her friends, cousins etc

wik x

melanzana

To EVERYONE who has helped me, thanks.

I haven't made individual "thanks" to anyone but I'm sure I'll be forgiven for that, I thank you all.

At some point, I will get the strength to reply to the lovely empowering posts that you have made.

I will be back. Xx

beanymagoo

My sister was also given a terminal diagnosis and very sadly died earlier this year after a short illness. I also lost my Dad a similar way 2 years ago. All you can really do is be there for your sister if she wants you to be there. She probably wants as much normality in her life as possible which may be why you think she is in denial. It is a very difficult thing to go through but just try to stay strong for your sister. When I was with my Dad a doctor asked him if he would like to be resusitated if need be. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I heard that as it just made everything very real. It is at moments like this that you need to be at your strongest. Sending you big hugs. xx

Zara77

Dear Melanzana,
I have read your post and really felt compelled to comment. I guess there really is set way to deal with your situation, take your lead from your sister. I know this will be difficult and my heart really breaks for you. As other people have commented, to use the time and just be there for her.
I would try hard not to let this disease to rob you of your sister-in the sense, maybe try to talk about other things when your with her. Almost a weird type of attempt of a degree of normalcy. I know this will not always be possible but at least for a tiny bit of time she may not so focused on her pain.
I like the spa idea someone mentioned,if that is not possible then just get some of her fav bit into a hamper. For when she is in hospital, so cold drinks, face wipes,mints etc. Just thing to help make her life a little easier.
I have read that some people when faced with a terminal prognosis, often feel like people around them walk on egg-shells due simply to knowing what to say. They are still the same person but having deal a terrible situation.
You do need to address your own feeling and there are some fantastic charities who can help. Please don't be afraid to be upset, or have a good cry.
The coming months will be difficult for your family and its ok to just appreciate that your emotions will be all over the place.
There is no right way or wrong to deal with this time in your life.
I lost a family member a few months ago to cancer and the person, attempted live their life according to how they had prior the diagnosis.
I wish your family all my love and hope you manage to create new memories to cherish.
Love Zara

whitewing

When my nan was in intensive care, we didn't register how ill she was. We weren't in denial as such, it was more that she still looked like nan to us albeit a bit poorlier than normal.