My younger sister is terminally ill. I don't know what to do. Am lost actually.

melanzana

Thanks all, I'm at work now, so will check in later. Hope you understand.

I had a wobbly earlier, and then posted, am so glad I did. Had a bloody good cry in the loo just a while ago. Oh dear.

Thks so much.

wannabee_in_credit

This may be me just being a bit stupid, but have you thought about contacting somone at MacMillan or Marie Curie? (If you haven't already of course). My MIL died a few years ago of cancer, and I found them of great help and support in terms of my own feelings, and how to behave with her etc.
Of course you are lost... she's your baby sister.
Thinking about it, if it were my sister, I would hope that I could tell her straight out that I didn't know what to do for the best. And she would tell me.

marisco_2

I think your sister and her husband are just trying to live in the here and now, making the most of the time she has left, not wanting to focus on her illness. Having family and friends fussing over her, may bring the reality of her situation to close to home for them. Normality in her daily life and from those around her may be your sisters main coping mechanism.

Are Macmillan nurses involved with your sisters care? When my friends dad was dying of cancer they were an incredible support to him and the extended family. I remember that she was able to turn to them and received all manner of wise advice and guidance. Sending you a huge (((hug))) because it sounds like you may be in need of one.

marmitepotato

Lost my older sister to breast cancer last year. She lived in South Africa and I visited as often as I could. For my 50th birthday I asked the family to contribute money for her airfare home instead of buying me presents, the only present I wanted was my sister home for one last time. She came home, she stayed with me and OH, we had a big party for her and family and friends came to see her. She knew and we knew it would be her last trip home.

I would say to you, to just be there when ever she wants and needs you. I found that talking about old times when we were growing up was uplifting and made us laugh so much.


She's gone now and her suffering was terrible. The guilt I feel in being the surviving sister is immense ...... But it's the way it is and nothing will change it.


Sending you big hugs Op for both you and your sister.

whitewing

I can't actually think of anything more wonderful than being able to have someone that you can sit with and not feel obliged to make conversation with constantly.

How much that must help her, knowing that you are there if she does want to talk, but that she is not using up precious energy.

Can you simply ask her if there is anything that she wishes for you to do for her today? That way, she can ask about small stuff but also the big stuff. The 'today' is to imply that the request will be there tomorrow too.

Best wishes to you all.

catmc

Sorry to hear about your sister .my older sister died of cancer she was only 41 when she died that was 5 years ago she was told she had cancer and it was terminal and died just over 11 weeks later. you can only try and make good memorys as other people said thinking of you and your family .

gregg1

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Why do you think she and her husband must be in denial when she was diagnosed four years ago?

People who have been diagnosed with incurable cancer get quite a lot of support and none of that support would enable them to remain in denial.

Do not meddle, just be with her if she wants you to.

In the end, we're going to be "goners" one day.

My word, that's a helpful, heartfelt reply!!!!!

Let me tell you, it is certainly possible to remain in denial under such circumstances. I know because my wife's sister is in this position as well and she too is in denial, although I consider it more as self preservation.

But I am sure your advice on us all being "goners" will be of much comfort to all those suffering life threatening illnesses!

OP, all you can do is be there for your sister and support her, which seems to be what you are already doing.

troubleinparadise

melanzana wrote: »

My baby sister, who is 49, yes I know, but she is the baby girl of the family, has terminal cancer. She has been ill for four years and has fought a terrific fight.

Her prognosis was 18 months.

Last weekend she visited us for a family event, and we all noticed a marked deterioration. She is vomiting, will not eat at all, and is totally fatigued.

Her husband and herself are in denial I think.

Anyway, I am lost. Wondering what I can do. If I meddle too much she will bark at me. If I go to visit more than usual she thinks that I think she is a goner. So I just sit with her. No talk, just sit.

I already feel the guilt of not having done more, if you understand me.

Oh dear, am in floods. Sorry, and thanks.

Dear Melanzana,

So sorry to hear about your sister - a tough situation for you all.

Sometimes I think denial is no bad thing - looking this in the face is not easy, and as I personally haven't had to deal with being given this prognosis I don't know how I'd react.

Why do you feel they are in denial? You are worrying about meddling - is there something that you feel needs doing or talking about that is being avoided?

I have a friend who has secondary cancers, and when her GP visited to talk about hospice care has become incredibly angry with the GP for raising the issue, and is refusing to discuss it.

Initially I couldn't quite understand why she was taking this stance, as she is a lawyer by profession, very used to dealing with delicate matters dispassionately, and normally very pragmatic about most issues.

But then I thought about it (she most definitely did not want to discuss it), and it dawned on me that she just doesn't want to think about that aspect. For now she is receiving treatments which are keeping things at bay, and although she is tired, frail and unable to do what she would normally, she is still doing living. To think too closely about hospices means acknowledging that living may not be an option. Fair enough - why do you have to face up to it? If you deteriorate suddenly, medical care can be arranged in hours. Sometimes it just is too awful a prospect to look at.

Perhaps your sister is coping in her own way, and whilst you might want to talk things over, or help more, perhaps for her that is acknowledging the illness in a way that she doesn't want to for the moment.

Use this time to just enjoy some simple pleasures, create some golden memories for later, don't over-think too much about what is to come tomorrow.

Easily said, not so easily done. She needs you to be strong for her, and that is demanding a lot from you when your heart is broken. As suggested, perhaps you could benefit from someone to talk to that can give you the support you need, so that you can support her in a way that meets both your needs.

Best wishes x

samtoby

Sounds bizarre but a lady I knew was very upbeat once she knew it was terminal because the stress of the process and not knowing had worn her out. Knowing she didn't have to fight because it wouldn't be curable seemed to give her a new positive attitude.

Hugs to you and your family xx

securityguy

samtoby wrote: »

Sounds bizarre but a lady I knew was very upbeat once she knew it was terminal because the stress of the process and not knowing had worn her out.

A friend of mine died in his thirties, of leukaemia, some years ago. He said one of the worst things was the endless expectation that he should be brave and determined and a fighter. He didn't feel brave, and he knew that realistically there was nothing he or anyone else could do. He was sure that people wanted him to be brave (etc) not for his own good, but for theirs: so long as they could think he was engaged in a struggle with a possible happy ending, they didn't have to talk to him about the hard fact that he was dying.