My younger sister is terminally ill. I don't know what to do. Am lost actually.

melanzana

My baby sister, who is 49, yes I know, but she is the baby girl of the family, has terminal cancer. She has been ill for four years and has fought a terrific fight.

Her prognosis was 18 months.

Last weekend she visited us for a family event, and we all noticed a marked deterioration. She is vomiting, will not eat at all, and is totally fatigued.

Her husband and herself are in denial I think.

Anyway, I am lost. Wondering what I can do. If I meddle too much she will bark at me. If I go to visit more than usual she thinks that I think she is a goner. So I just sit with her. No talk, just sit.

I already feel the guilt of not having done more, if you understand me.

Oh dear, am in floods. Sorry, and thanks.

ilovelondontown

Hi melanzana, I'm so sorry to hear this. I didn't want to read and run.

I'd use the time to be with her, regardless of the form it takes. Talk if you have something you want to say and ask her if there is anything you can do. Be thankful that you are being given a chance to prepare and to say goodbye and work out how best you want to do this.

BitterAndTwisted

Why do you think she and her husband must be in denial when she was diagnosed four years ago?

People who have been diagnosed with incurable cancer get quite a lot of support and none of that support would enable them to remain in denial.

Do not meddle, just be with her if she wants you to.

In the end, we're going to be "goners" one day.

Pixiechic

Melanzana, I'm so sorry, if it were my sister I would be heartbroken too.

All you can do is be there for her in a way that she appreciates it.

I wish I could give you a hug although I know that it wouldn't be much comfort.

Maybe sister and husband have been living with this for so long that they have just found a way to cope with it which may seem like denial.

With the time she has left, she may not want to dwell on her illness.

zzzLazyDaisy

Bless you. I lost my baby sister ten years ago - she was 38yrs. You have my sympathy.

But here's the thing - she and her husband will deal with this in whatever way is best for them. I doubt they are living in denial, but they may still be living in hope. It's not the same thing. It is true that while there is life there is hope - to see another birthday, a wedding, or just another week.

She WILL deteriorate. Fact. She will die. Fact.

But it sounds like she is not letting that stop her from living the life she still has.

Yes you will grieve, and sometimes the whole thing will overwhelm you. But do that in private, in your own time. Your job right now is to be her big sister, to love and support her in dealing with what life has thrown at her, and to take your lead from her.

And no, it isn't easy, but take this chance to celebrate the love and life she has right now, if you can.

Big hugs

Dx

busiscoming2

Just being there for her and her husband in whatever way is necessary, is the only thing you can do.

Do you think that perhaps because her prognosis was for 18 months and she is four years down the line, they are just accepting of the fact that no one knows how long?

tattycath

((Hugs)) I can't really say anything different to what has already been said. Just try and enjoy the time you have left with her as best you can. Xx

rpc

Bear in mind that, when faced with something like this, people often stop looking to the future and live far more in the present.

It is quite likely that they know what is coming but, rather than spend all day dwelling on death, they are carrying on largely as normal.

Naturally, you are focused on your sister dying but she is more concerned with living. She probably knows she has deteriorated but there is nothing she can do about it so is just getting on with what life she has left.

The other thing to bear in mind is that everyone is different. They will deal with it in their own way, which may be totally different to what you expect.

mumcoll

So sorry for you and your sister.

When my sister was told her cancer was terminal we all just carried on 'as normal'. During a conversation with me, she said she wished everyone would stop pretending it wasn't happening and talk to her about it.

From then on, we acknowledged it and talked about our feelings (led by her). I wrote her a letter a few weeks before she died, with memories and how I felt about her and how I would miss her. I know she really appreciated it. Such a sad time for everyone. x

Foxn86

How sad must be really hard for her though wondering if it will be tomorrow or next week or month.

As hard as it is just be you ! she will appreciate that more. And if you feel the urge to grab her hug her and tell her you love her then do so. You are her sister and showing her you love her !

And if she's up to it why not arrange something special for you both, not a goodbye more of a nice memory for you both. Maybe a spa day with lunch ? get massages and things. And you could say you need someone to go with you making it look like she's doing you a favour perhaps.

Big hugs xxx

tayforth

OP - your post - and the rest of the thread - has left me in tears myself. I don't have any experience of this, so I can't say what I'd do in the same situation (and it does seem to be different for everyone, going by the replies), but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and your family xxx