Needy mother

happyhaddock_2

Hi gwen, I'm really pleased your mum has taken on board your point of view and isn't trying to play the guilt card to make you stay. It's also good that you are able to be open with her about how you feel.

I am another who has no contact with my narcissistic, alcoholic mother and have to say that my life, and those of my children, is much better for it. I have never had a 'proper' mother, just someone who gave birth to me

If you can live the life you want and need and still remain close to your mum, you're doing great gwen, good luck.

elantan

red_devil wrote: »

i dont think many women would agree that you only need your mum when your a child. You need your mum always and many women cite their mother as their best friend. Im amazed you can say that actually that a mum is only a mum when their child is a child. You never stop being a mum.

Many people also cite their mother as a source of pain and unhappiness ... Not everyone has a great childhood

Pixiechic

red_devil wrote: »

ok what is needy. My mum has passed away and my sister is going to go round once a week which she did anyway. My other sibling lives close and will call in once twice a week. I cant do this as we dont live close but will speak on the phone and will be on the end of the email too?
is my father needy? He hasnt come across like that to me?

So, red devil is advising something that they themselves don't seem to be offering in terms of care.

Red devil says themselves that they don't live close, so why advise the OP to do something that you are obviously not prepared to do yourself in terms of care for your father?

Pixiechic

Gwen, just the fact that you are feeling so guilty shows how much you care for your mother.

Giving up your own life, for her, is not something that will help either of you.

Go and live your life, you sound like a nice daughter who cares very much about your mum, but, like the rest of us, has to live her own life.

You can do both

gwen80

Pixiechic wrote: »

So, red devil is advising something that they themselves don't seem to be offering in terms of care.

Red devil says themselves that they don't live close, so why advise the OP to do something that you are obviously not prepared to do yourself in terms of care for your father?

Thanks for pointing this out, it had occurred to me too.

Gx

spirit

red_devil wrote: »

i dont think many women would agree that you only need your mum when your a child. You need your mum always and many women cite their mother as their best friend. Im amazed you can say that actually that a mum is only a mum when their chil d is a child. You never stop being a mum.

I disagree. I am also one of those with a narssisitic mother and after an 'event' 10 years ago, decided to go no contact. I mourned not having a mum then. She was never my best friend.

missprice

red_devil wrote: »

i dont think many women would agree that you only need your mum when your a child. You need your mum always and many women cite their mother as their best friend. Im amazed you can say that actually that a mum is only a mum when their child is a child. You never stop being a mum.

have to politely disagree with this.
cant remember a time when I needed my Mother(possibly when I was very small but I think she was inept at best). one time she left me alone in the home when I was 2 and just never came back for a day. a window had to be broken to get to me. what if there had been a fire? she didn't even have the excuse of being on drugs or an alcoholic. she simply did not like me and wanted nothing to do with me.
since about the age of 5 years I have struggled with wanting to die and my mother knew and did not care. frankly who needs a mother like that?
so I pretty much dragged myself up til I was old enough to leave home at 15. I had to steal, beg and work for money from a young age so I did not starve, you can tell by looking at the few photos of me as a child I was well and truly malnourished (as being a child I had no idea of what I should eat and just bought what I could afford daily.
so no no one NEEDS a mother, some of us would just like one:)

Pixiechic

gwen80 wrote: »

Thanks for pointing this out, it had occurred to me too.

Gx

Yes, quite hypocritical!

gwen80

ticiag wrote: »

Hi Gwen80,
I wrote a long comment yesterday but lost it -am a newbie!! Am trying again.
You sound very supportive and I am pleased your recent chat with your mum was so positive.
I am a now a needy mum for various reasons. I realised recently. I researched my symptoms and find I have Depression and borderline personality disorder(see Marsha Lineham's books). I am working hard to change. Thank you for this insight into a daughter's point of view. It really helped me. I was confused by my own daughter's reaction to me and I feel now I can understand a little about how she feels. A catch 22 situation -always making the daughter feel guilty. Relationships are very complicated and unique!
Perhaps your mum could be tactfully helped to work on making her own life more enjoyable and rewarding. I used to play Sudoku too - it doesn't help -it shuts out the rest of the world more.
Wishing you plenty of happiness in your life and new job. x

ticiag, just one other thing. From my perspective at least, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to look after yourself (mentally, emotionally, physically) and build yourself the best life you can. It's all I've ever wanted for my Mum.

Gwenx

ticiag

Hi Gwen80,
Thank you for your advice. I am working on making progress with aid of GP and self help books. After years of being confused by my daughter's reactions sometimes I now have a little understanding thanks to you. Sadly the damage has been done and it is hard to know what to do.

Reading the postings I feel very much for you. I hear how hard it is for you especially as there is no other family member to help or sympathise. It is an impossible situation for you - her "illness" is not your responsibility but you love her so much you want to support her. Make sure you take good care of yourself and spoil yourself often!

I am also so truly sad to read the postings of other daughters who had terrible experiences with their mothers. I cannot possibly know how you feel. I don't know what to say but I do care.

Big hugs to all xx