Needy mother

gwen80

Maybe when a house could be ran on only one salary and people didn't move around so much, you could possibly expect some care in your older years but now most people have to work.

I do have quite a specialised job. I could retrain and do something else, but I love my job and I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

SuzieSue

RAS wrote: »

When my mother's friends decided that what she needed was for myself or my sib to give up work and live with her!, my question was "She has a decent pension and house; if I stop working I will have nothing but poverty in my older years. Do you think that is acceptable?"

Yes, those are my feelings exactly and even if she didn't have a decent pension and a house it would still be her responsibility to make arrangements for her care just as you and I are going to have to do for ourselves. People can't live their lives how they want and then expect other people to pick up the pieces because they haven't put enough aside for themselves.

SuzieSue

gwen80 wrote: »

Maybe when a house could be ran on only one salary and people didn't move around so much, you could possibly expect some care in your older years but now most people have to work.

Yes, that is exactly what used to happen the in the past - the SAHW would look after the grandparents. Things have changed now and we all have to take responsibility for ourselves because there is no SAHW.

gwen80

SuzieSue wrote: »

Yes, that is exactly what used to happen the in the past - the SAHW would look after the grandparents. Things have changed now and we all have to take responsibility for ourselves because there is no SAHW.

My Mum's friends are pretty good at it and I think it will (and I hope it does) increase in future, but I think the older generations should look out for each other more rather than rely too heavily on the younger generation who are desperately trying to hold down a career, buy a house, save for a pension, bring up children etc.

SuzieSue

gwen80 wrote: »

My Mum's friends are pretty good at it and I think it will (and I hope it does) increase in future, but I think the older generations should look out for each other more rather than rely too heavily on the younger generation who are desperately trying to hold down a career, buy a house, save for a pension, bring up children etc.

Yes, I think that in the future older people will look out for each other and the internet and other technology will make it much easier.

ticiag

Hi Gwen80,
I wrote a long comment yesterday but lost it -am a newbie!! Am trying again.
You sound very supportive and I am pleased your recent chat with your mum was so positive.
I am a now a needy mum for various reasons. I realised recently. I researched my symptoms and find I have Depression and borderline personality disorder(see Marsha Lineham's books). I am working hard to change. Thank you for this insight into a daughter's point of view. It really helped me. I was confused by my own daughter's reaction to me and I feel now I can understand a little about how she feels. A catch 22 situation -always making the daughter feel guilty. Relationships are very complicated and unique!
Perhaps your mum could be tactfully helped to work on making her own life more enjoyable and rewarding. I used to play Sudoku too - it doesn't help -it shuts out the rest of the world more.
Wishing you plenty of happiness in your life and new job. x

gwen80

ticiag wrote: »

Hi Gwen80,
I wrote a long comment yesterday but lost it -am a newbie!! Am trying again.
You sound very supportive and I am pleased your recent chat with your mum was so positive.
I am a now a needy mum for various reasons. I realised recently. I researched my symptoms and find I have Depression and borderline personality disorder(see Marsha Lineham's books). I am working hard to change. Thank you for this insight into a daughter's point of view. It really helped me. I was confused by my own daughter's reaction to me and I feel now I can understand a little about how she feels. A catch 22 situation -always making the daughter feel guilty. Relationships are very complicated and unique!
Perhaps your mum could be tactfully helped to work on making her own life more enjoyable and rewarding. I used to play Sudoku too - it doesn't help -it shuts out the rest of the world more.
Wishing you plenty of happiness in your life and new job. x

Thanks ticiag. I enjoy spending time with my Mum as I'm sure your daughter does, but work has to be done, life has to go on and at some point your daughter will need her own life. It's a tricky balance to strike though.

I'd love to help my Mum make more of her life. I hope she doesn't end up looking back and wish she'd made more of her time. Like you, I think Mum plays Sudoku to shut the world out and I think it 'switches off' her brain.

Best of luck

Gwenx

red_devil

SuzieSue wrote: »

I'm in exactly the same position (it is 5 months for me too) and I can tell you that I am happier than I have ever been in my life because my personal life is stress free.

Yes, it would be nice to have a mother that I liked in my life, but not just any mother. If I were a young child, then perhaps a mother is important, but not when I am an independent adult. I don't ever remember asking my mother for advice about anything even as a child because I disagreed with her views on almost everything.

i dont think many women would agree that you only need your mum when your a child. You need your mum always and many women cite their mother as their best friend. Im amazed you can say that actually that a mum is only a mum when their child is a child. You never stop being a mum.

SuzieSue

red_devil wrote: »

i dont think many women would agree that you only need your mum when your a child. You need your mum always and many women cite their mother as their best friend. Im amazed you can say that actually that a mum is only a mum when their child is a child. You never stop being a mum.

Have you actually read my post or just read what you want to read?

Where exactly have I said that a mum is only a mum when a child is a child. My mum is obviously still my mum even though I am not a child, but I just don't need her.

Nicki

I am sorry to be blunt red devil but I really think you need to find another outlet for your grief which doesn't include hijacking threads to harrangue other posters who have legitimate problems with their own parents. This is the second thread I have read recently where you have done the same thing, and in both cases it is unfair to the original posters who are involved in genuinely difficult situation of their own, and does not seem to bring you any comfort either.

Dealing with a parent with acute mental health issues (as on this thread) is as valid a problem as dealing with a recent bereavement. I am sure you would not have appreciated anyone posting on your thread about your mum's upcoming birthday with a rant about their problems with a living parent and suggesting you think yourself lucky not to be dealing with that which is exactly what you are doing in reverse on numerous occasions.