Needy mother

gwen80

Hi

I currently live away from my Mum and I'm in the process of moving further away for a job. In terms of family, there's only me and my Mum in this country except some cousins who live all over the country.

She's had mental health problems over the years and to be honest has been an absolute nightmare to deal with. She refused to go to the doctor for years, refused to take any medication, used to turn up outside my house unannounced at all hours, refuse to go home, go missing etc, etc. We're now in a better place with that and I guess I feel this is 'my time' and my opportunity to concentrate on my life without the burden of looking after Mum to the same extent.

Now she's started being a bit needy, it's hard to describe, most of it is quite subtle. A more concrete example is she told me at the weekend that she'd told her cousin that she wishes she was moving with me?! I said 'Why? I'll be at work all day and I might want to go out and do something on a weekend'. To be honest, I already resent her to some extent (and I don't feel good saying that) and now I'm really annoyed with that comment. I have done some internet dating in the past and I've also noticed that if I mention anyone, she'll find some criticism or something negative. Now I'm starting to realise that my Mum is pretty controlling, but how do I deal with this?

Thanks

Gwenx

paulineb_2

How much impact does her current behaviour have on your life at the moment?

meritaten

you listen, you smile, you say 'ok' and then go and do your own thing.
only way to deal with them without a major bustup.

gwen80

I guess things tick along ok as long as I don't go changing things, but I'd like a life of my own and I'm already slightly (probably more than slightly if I'm honest) resentful that I feel I can't. This comment has really annoyed me. I spoke to her last night and she was quite needy. It's hard to describe, but it was the things she spoke about and mainly her tone of voice I think. She's called me tonight and I've not answered.

I feel like if something happened to her, part of me would feel a little relieved and I hate feeling like that.

She's in reasonable physical health. She has friends, but I think they have their adult children around for the most part and grandchildren. However they are there for her if she needs them and they spend time with her. I've had numerous conversations with her along the lines of 'I hate to say this, but you will likely not have your physical health or your ability to drive forever, go out and make the most of it'. I've encouraged her to join groups, clubs, U3A, volunteer, day trips anything to keep her busy and she has done some of it, but it has dropped off recently and she spends most of her time sat inside doing Sudoku.

Gx

meritaten

You are entitled to live YOUR life as you wish. your mother wants to be included and maybe even control it. Don't let her. make sure she is safe and healthy and has opportunities - but, its HER life hun and its up to her to do as she wants with it, and don't let her control yours so that she can live life through you (I hope you understand that).
If she has that then you have NO reason to feel guilty.

Pixiechic

You have the right to live your own life, how you choose. It is 'your time'.

Ignore her emotional blackmail, meritatens suggestion was good.

You will resent her more and more the longer you feel controlled by her.

gwen80

Oh she made some other comment the other week about how lucky one of her cousins is. This cousins husband was ill and made their son promise to look after his mother after he'd died. Now this son is in his forties, still lives with his Mum and as far as I can tell, has never had a life of his own. Mum's cousin might be ok, but what about her poor son??

Gx

j.e.j.

She sounds like she's quite immature, emotionally. If you can help her and deal with her without it impacting to much on your own health, all well and good, but you may need to distance yourself from her if the emotional blackmail is starting to get to you. If she sees she's not getting a reaction she may find other fish to fry.

gwen80

Sorry I'm on a bit of a rant now, but since she divorced Dad there was never any chance she'd meet anyone else. That's fine, that's her decision, but then I don't think it's fair to expect me to fill that gap.

I imagine she didn't expect one of her kids to emigrate and probably envisaged herself surrounded by her family as the years got on. Having said that, I didn't exactly imagine my life would be as it is at this point either, but when life throws you lemons, make lemonade. You can choose to focus on what you don't have or you can look at what you do have and make the most of it.

Gx

Own_My_Own

Please move away why you can and you are still talking to each other.
I wish I had. I am now 40 and have had no contact with my mother since Christmas Eve.
Our relationship was slightly different as she is an alcoholic, but I ended up hating her. And then I just flipped.
I was always made to feel guilty for having any life without her.
If your mother chooses not to speak to you because of the move, that is her problem and something she will have to deal with.

You get one life, live it while you can.

meritaten

Gwen - you don't live near her and quite frankly you shouldn't - she sounds as if she would use you as her crutch. she may be your mother but, you have your own life to live and she has hers. you are NOT responsible for her lifestyle.
my own mother can be a control freak - for the last thirty odd years I have dealt with her by letting her think I take notice of her, but in reality I don't.
my OHs mother was a real narcissist and she caused us more problems - but could be dealt with very similarly to my mother. The way to deal with them is to keep things amicable on the surface - but, to do what you want. its either that or cut contact and I don't think you want to do that.