Needy mother

jaxjax123

SuzieSue wrote: »

I'm in exactly the same position (it is 5 months for me too) and I can tell you that I am happier than I have ever been in my life because my personal life is stress free.

Yes, it would be nice to have a mother that I liked in my life, but not just any mother. If I were a young child, then perhaps a mother is important, but not when I am an independent adult. I don't ever remember asking my mother for advice about anything even as a child because I disagreed with her views on almost everything.

SuzieSue, I agree I would like an ok mother not ever a good mother.
As I was growing up my mum was an alcoholic and drug abuser, I was left to look after my twin brothers over night when I was 8/9 they were 1/2 whilst she was out working! Work lasted months then it was the men, lots of different men.
I have no good memories of my mother, I miss having a mum but it isn't her I miss I have always missed having a mum.

And yes that is moaning and neither me or my mother are perfect I accept that but that doesnt excuse they way she neglected her children.

gwen80

red_devil wrote: »

I am shocked at the moaning. You might be bereaved one day and want your sons and daughters.

people arent perfect but when they arent here anymore you wish they were and you will wish they needed you.

life isnt easy and for a person to lose their partner/spouse is very very hard.

My Mum isn't bereaved. She split up from my Dad 30 years ago.

I can only speak for myself and I have no children so far. However if I were to have children, I'd bring them up to have their own lives. Of course it would be nice if they were nearby, but I know it wouldn't be fair to rely on them. The world is changing very rapidly and they would have to do what was best for them and their future. I would never want to hold them back.

I agree people aren't perfect and life isn't perfect, but I've cared for my Mum on my own (no siblings in the UK, no aunts or uncles) in some manner (due to mental health issues) since I was 22 - only just an adult myself. Is it wrong to want a bit of time to build my own life? Or do I only exist to look after my Mum who is capable of living independently anyway?

RAS

gwen80

Please, please make your own life.

Do not waste years trying to make someone else happy when nothing you do wil ever achieve that.

Own_My_Own

red_devil wrote: »

im sure you arent happy at all. Im sure you wish you had a mother in your life.

I wish I had a mother, just not mine.

ETA and to honest, it is because of comments like yours that I put up with hell for so many years. But I now don't care what other people think of my actions.

gwen80

Own_My_Own wrote: »

She is moving, why wouldn't she hear her voice again ?
But then I haven't spoken to my mum in 5 months and I couldn't be happier.

Of course, my Mum will hear my voice. We normally speak everyday.

red_devil wrote: »

ok what is needy. My mum has passed away and my sister is going to go round once a week which she did anyway. My other sibling lives close and will call in once twice a week. I cant do this as we dont live close but will speak on the phone and will be on the end of the email too?
is my father needy? He hasnt come across like that to me?

I currently live 50 miles away from my Mum but often see her at weekends. I'm moving and I will be 140 miles away and won't be able to see her as often.

I suspect you're making assumptions about the situations of others. In my case, there are no other siblings in this country, no Aunts or Uncles, no-one to share the load. It's been me and Mum since I was 12. I've supported my Mum with her problems for the last ten years to the detriment of my own life. Have you supported someone with a severe mental health problem who believes there's nothing wrong with them and refuses treatment, whilst trying to hold down a stressful, demanding full time job 50 miles away on your own? Now she's doing better and I can see a window of opportunity for my own life and I'm going to take it.

RAS

Good on you.

Please read upon narcissitic mothers and please be aware that she may develop crises to try and guilt you into returning to the fold (mine used to do Easter, May and August Bank Holidays and any time either of us was on leave and outside the UK, regular as clockwork).

gwen80

I'll just update and say that I spoke to my Mum yesterday and said that I was finding her quite needy. I also said that I'd been annoyed by some of her comments about her cousin etc. She seemed far better about things than she had been. I said I didn't think it was fair that my cousins son had given up his life for his Mum and my Mum actually agreed. Maybe she hadn't been feeling too good or had felt a bit vulnerable...I don't know. She wants me to take this job and knows it's the best thing for me, although deep down I'm sure she wishes it was nearer.

I'd feel far happier about moving if she had a full social life where she is, but I really don't know how to fix that. She has friends around and she doesn't stay in all the time so I guess I have to be thankful for that.

Gx

SuzieSue

gwen80 wrote: »

Is it wrong to want a bit of time to build my own life? Or do I only exist to look after my Mum who is capable of living independently anyway?

No it is not wrong at all and it still wouldn't be wrong even if your mother wasn't capable of living independently. If you want to be a carer for your mum then fine, but if you don't then you are entitled to your own life. Who is going to look after you when you can no longer live independently? No-one should be forced to be a carer unless they want to be one. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives and make plans for when we can't live independently.

gwen80

red_devil wrote: »

ok what is needy. My mum has passed away and my sister is going to go round once a week which she did anyway. My other sibling lives close and will call in once twice a week. I cant do this as we dont live close but will speak on the phone and will be on the end of the email too?
is my father needy? He hasnt come across like that to me?

Can I also just say that when you're supporting someone on your own it is a LOT of pressure. Completely different to sharing the load with other relatives.

RAS

SuzieSue wrote: »

No it is not wrong at all and it still wouldn't be wrong even if your mother wasn't capable of living independently. If you want to be a carer for your mum then fine, but if you don't then you are entitled to your own life. Who is going to look after you when you can no longer live independently? No-one should be forced to be a carer unless they want to be one. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives and make plans for when we can't live independently.

When my mother's friends decided that what she needed was for myself or my sib to give up work and live with her!, my question was "She has a decent pension and house; if I stop working I will have nothing but poverty in my older years. Do you think that is acceptable?"