Needy mother

heartbreak_star

red_devil wrote: »

you wouldnt feel relieved, you would feel dead upset that you were not going to hear her voice again or see her. Maybe im not the best person to ask having lost my mum in May.

I am very sorry for your loss, having lost my own father, but there was no need for this. Don't let bitterness overtake you - not all mums are as wonderful as yours was.

Gwen, I hope you get things sorted with your mum. My own mother got involved with charity work after the loss of my dad - making her own friends really helped.

Good luck.

HBS x

NervousHomeowner

Gwen, I read your other post about moving away and I must say, our situations sound very similar. Everything you've said about your relationship with your mum sounds exactly like me and my mum, before I moved away.

If your mum is anything like mine, I expect things will get much better for both of you when you move out. My mum was exactly like yours. She'd never really 'got over' my dad after he died and used our relationship as a crutch. She had issues she was unwilling to deal with, and we argued a lot. Last year I moved quite far away from her and at first, I think she found it very difficult. However, after about 6 months things became much better. She began doing things in her spare time - taking night classes once a week, vollunteering, meeting up with friends more often, increasing her hours at work - things I'd been encouraging her to do for years but that she hadn't been interested in. A few months ago, she even started online dating! Recently I asked her if she was coping okay and she said that she was now totally used to it and actually quite liked living alone! Along with this, our relationship has also improved massively.

I imagine your mum will become more independent and less controlling when you move away. I think that once you're not there to use as a crutch anymore, you'll probably find she starts doing those activities that she enjoyed before

jaxjax123

My mum was very needy after her brother died, I was there for her for 2 years but I couldn't cope in the end, I have 2 young children.
I did try to get her to take up a hobby, make new friends or generally just get out of the house but she was unwilling.

She often told me she wish she had dies with him, that she had nothing to live for and that she called out in the nighjt for him to come and take her.
On my last conversaion with her last year she said to me "You shouldn't have asked me to not do anything silly when my brother died."

After that I decided it was time to call our relationship a day, she added nothing to my life just took from it. My children didn't really like visiting her and she often told them how disappointed she was with them.

It's a shame I often think of her and wonder how she is doing but then I think she will be doing the same things as she always does.

red_devil

gwen80 wrote: »

I'm sure I would. I know I'm lucky to still have her. She's had a few random hugs since my friends Mum was diagnosed with cancer. I just wish she were a bit more independent.

we all wish there was something different about our mothers im sure.

red_devil

I am shocked at the moaning. You might be bereaved one day and want your sons and daughters.

people arent perfect but when they arent here anymore you wish they were and you will wish they needed you.

life isnt easy and for a person to lose their partner/spouse is very very hard.

Own_My_Own

red_devil wrote: »

you wouldnt feel relieved, you would feel dead upset that you were not going to hear her voice again or see her. Maybe im not the best person to ask having lost my mum in May.

She is moving, why wouldn't she hear her voice again ?
But then I haven't spoken to my mum in 5 months and I couldn't be happier.

red_devil

Own_My_Own wrote: »

She is moving, why wouldn't she hear her voice again ?
But then I haven't spoken to my mum in 5 months and I couldn't be happier.

im sure you arent happy at all. Im sure you wish you had a mother in your life.

red_devil

ok what is needy. My mum has passed away and my sister is going to go round once a week which she did anyway. My other sibling lives close and will call in once twice a week. I cant do this as we dont live close but will speak on the phone and will be on the end of the email too?
is my father needy? He hasnt come across like that to me?

heartbreak_star

As I said before - I am really sorry for your loss, red devil, but not all mums are as lovely as yours was. Some are downright awful.

Thankfully mine is lovely...but I couldn't live with her again, I live about 15 miles away! We have a great relationship but she's quite overbearing. She has lots of friends and keeps herself busy - we go for lunch once a week and I help her with anything that needs doing round the house and garden and we chat on the phone a few times a week but we're not in each other's pockets. Works well for both of us

HBS x

SuzieSue

red_devil wrote: »

im sure you arent happy at all. Im sure you wish you had a mother in your life.

I'm in exactly the same position (it is 5 months for me too) and I can tell you that I am happier than I have ever been in my life because my personal life is stress free.

Yes, it would be nice to have a mother that I liked in my life, but not just any mother. If I were a young child, then perhaps a mother is important, but not when I am an independent adult. I don't ever remember asking my mother for advice about anything even as a child because I disagreed with her views on almost everything.