Needy mother

red_devil

gwen80 wrote: »

I guess things tick along ok as long as I don't go changing things, but I'd like a life of my own and I'm already slightly (probably more than slightly if I'm honest) resentful that I feel I can't. This comment has really annoyed me. I spoke to her last night and she was quite needy. It's hard to describe, but it was the things she spoke about and mainly her tone of voice I think. She's called me tonight and I've not answered.

I feel like if something happened to her, part of me would feel a little relieved and I hate feeling like that.

She's in reasonable physical health. She has friends, but I think they have their adult children around for the most part and grandchildren. However they are there for her if she needs them and they spend time with her. I've had numerous conversations with her along the lines of 'I hate to say this, but you will likely not have your physical health or your ability to drive forever, go out and make the most of it'. I've encouraged her to join groups, clubs, U3A, volunteer, day trips anything to keep her busy and she has done some of it, but it has dropped off recently and she spends most of her time sat inside doing Sudoku.

Gx

you wouldnt feel relieved, you would feel dead upset that you were not going to hear her voice again or see her. Maybe im not the best person to ask having lost my mum in May.

pawsies

I know what you mean. My Mum booked me on a holiday without consulting me, then asked for passport details and kept harassing me.

The idea that 'work will not give me the time off' just didn't sink in with her

ostrichnomore_2

Gwen, you are not a bad person for wanting your own life.

You mum has problems, mental health ones, and also a big emotional dependency on you (which may or may not be to do with her mental health). I'm sure you love her but her expectation that you will martyr yourself to let her live her life through you is wrong. If she had a physical disability, I'm sure you'd be supportive, but would still live your own life without feeling guilty. Just because this is mental/emotional, it's no different, it's just that she is able to manipulate your feelings more, but you can support her without giving up your own life.

What she basically wants is for you to be her carer and keep you to herself. She doesn't want you to have a relationship. Or your own friends/free time. This is her attempt to exploit you, although I'm not saying she is being deliberately unkind in this. She's probably afraid of how she will cope without you. But she needs to learn to. Put it this way, if she allows herself to be so dependent on you, what will happen to her if you fall under a bus one day? So you wouldn't in fact be doing her any favours by giving in to her.

I have known people who have dedicated their lives to their parents for whatever reasons, sometimes willingly and happily, sometimes with a great deal of resentment. The ones with resentment ruin their lives. The ones who do it happily still have regrets. Don't feel guilty about your thoughts about being 'free' of her. I knew a man who, with his mother, cared for his grandmother for many years. He once confessed to me that although they loved her dearly, in a way they knew their own lives wouldn't start again until after grandma died and lots of things were on hold until then, so in an awful way they were sort of looking forward to her going. He lived at home. He never had a relationship. He had no real friends or hobbies etc. After grandma died, when he was in his late 40s, he blossomed and is now married and happy. But I did used to feel so sorry for the younger him, while admiring his love and dedication. It's not an easy thing to do, and it is a massive sacrifice, so don't beat yourself up if it's not for you. You could end up really hating your mum if you go along with what she wants.

gwen80

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Gwen, you are not a bad person for wanting your own life.

You mum has problems, mental health ones, and also a big emotional dependency on you (which may or may not be to do with her mental health). I'm sure you love her but her expectation that you will martyr yourself to let her live her life through you is wrong. If she had a physical disability, I'm sure you'd be supportive, but would still live your own life without feeling guilty. Just because this is mental/emotional, it's no different, it's just that she is able to manipulate your feelings more, but you can support her without giving up your own life.

What she basically wants is for you to be her carer and keep you to herself. She doesn't want you to have a relationship. Or your own friends/free time. This is her attempt to exploit you, although I'm not saying she is being deliberately unkind in this. She's probably afraid of how she will cope without you. But she needs to learn to. Put it this way, if she allows herself to be so dependent on you, what will happen to her if you fall under a bus one day? So you wouldn't in fact be doing her any favours by giving in to her.

I have known people who have dedicated their lives to their parents for whatever reasons, sometimes willingly and happily, sometimes with a great deal of resentment. The ones with resentment ruin their lives. The ones who do it happily still have regrets. Don't feel guilty about your thoughts about being 'free' of her. I knew a man who, with his mother, cared for his grandmother for many years. He once confessed to me that although they loved her dearly, in a way they knew their own lives wouldn't start again until after grandma died and lots of things were on hold until then, so in an awful way they were sort of looking forward to her going. He lived at home. He never had a relationship. He had no real friends or hobbies etc. After grandma died, when he was in his late 40s, he blossomed and is now married and happy. But I did used to feel so sorry for the younger him, while admiring his love and dedication. It's not an easy thing to do, and it is a massive sacrifice, so don't beat yourself up if it's not for you. You could end up really hating your mum if you go along with what she wants.

Thanks ostrichnomore. Of course, I love her very much. She will be welcome to visit me, but I cannot spend every weekend with her as I think she'd like.

Your thought of what would happen to her if anything happened to me has occurred to me. And if my life is devoted to her, what will I have when something happens to her? No career, no relationship, no children... I think it's unfair not to expect that your children will have their own lives when they grow up. She's physically able and has everything going for her to build a great life of her own, but doesn't want to. I hear of people far older than my Mum off out doing things, volunteering etc.

Gx

gwen80

pawsies wrote: »

I know what you mean. My Mum booked me on a holiday without consulting me, then asked for passport details and kept harassing me.

The idea that 'work will not give me the time off' just didn't sink in with her

Crikey, I don't think she'd do that, thank God.

belfastgirl23

This is a really tough one isn't it?

I worry about the same thing, that my mum isn't making the most of her time. She does have one very good friend who visits a lot, but her friend is also getting older and I'm always a little worried that if anything happened the friend, she would be quite lonely. As it is, she is happy with how things are but can go weeks without even talking to the neighbours etc. I keep encouraging her to get out, be physically active or go along to social events but she's quite critical of the social events, which I think is a symptom of not exactly feeling comfortable because she doesn't go very often.

I know she would like me to visit more but it's difficult to make the time - which I feel guilty about. And I'm worried about encouraging her to depend on me as well. Which makes me feel even guiltier.

None of this helps you of course but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone! Although I'm lucky that my mum would never put pressure on me to look after her (though this also carries it's own guilt would you believe!)

Does anyone have any good ideas of how to encourage older people to be more physically active or socially engaged?

gwen80

belfastgirl, it sounds like we are in a similar position. I've tried everything to encourage my Mum to go out and do things. For a short while she was doing ok, but now she's not doing much at all. She used to play bridge and go walking, both have stopped. She's never exactly been 'busy' since she retired, but at the moment she's maybe seeing a friend once a week (could be worse I know), but that's it.

Her closest friend is pretty good at looking out for her. They look out for each other, although this friend goes out a lot playing bowls and generally keeps herself a lot busier than Mum. However this friend had a stroke last year and I worry what would happen to Mum if she lost her. I should also say I worry for my Mum's friend as I have become fond of her too.

I look at the U3A booklet and would love to be retired. I'd do everything! I keep thinking of more and more things I want to do, whereas Mum just wants to play Suduko.

Gx

gwen80

red_devil wrote: »

you wouldnt feel relieved, you would feel dead upset that you were not going to hear her voice again or see her. Maybe im not the best person to ask having lost my mum in May.

I'm sure I would. I know I'm lucky to still have her. She's had a few random hugs since my friends Mum was diagnosed with cancer. I just wish she were a bit more independent.

joeblack066

As tbe mother to grown up children, I can categorically state that I would never expect them to live their lives to suit me. I have brought them up to be strong and I dependant, and they are. I am incredibly proud of that, and of them. I like to see them, I like calls/texts/FB messages. But my life is up to me to sort out, not them. X

SuzieSue

joeblack066 wrote: »

As tbe mother to grown up children, I can categorically state that I would never expect them to live their lives to suit me. I have brought them up to be strong and I dependant, and they are. I am incredibly proud of that, and of them. I like to see them, I like calls/texts/FB messages. But my life is up to me to sort out, not them. X

What a great attitude.

I don't have children, but if I did, I would feel exactly the same.