Needy mother

gwen80

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Please move away why you can and you are still talking to each other.
I wish I had. I am now 40 and have had no contact with my mother since Christmas Eve.
Our relationship was slightly different as she is an alcoholic, but I ended up hating her. And then I just flipped.
I was always made to feel guilty for having any life without her.
If your mother chooses not to speak to you because of the move, that is her problem and something she will have to deal with.

You get one life, live it while you can.

I'm so sorry Own My Own. This is exactly the situation I don't want. I already resent her, I don't want that to grow any further.

I don't feel good writing any of this. My friends Mum has just been diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and it's made me realise how lucky I am to have her still, but I can't deal with the pressure of having to live my life for her.

She wouldn't stop speaking to me, I just can't deal with the emotional blackmail.

As you say, you only get one life...I keep thinking if I gave up my life for her, she could live for another 20 years - when do I get mine???

The next time she says anything I'm honestly considering saying 'Maybe we should look into sheltered accomodation for you if you can't manage?' I'm a b1tch

Gx

Own_My_Own

gwen80 wrote: »

I'm so sorry Own My Own. This is exactly the situation I don't want. I already resent her, I don't want that to grow any further.

I don't feel good writing any of this. My friends Mum has just been diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and it's made me realise how lucky I am to have her still, but I can't deal with the pressure of having to live my life for her.

She wouldn't stop speaking to me, I just can't deal with the emotional blackmail.

As you say, you only get one life...I keep thinking if I gave up my life for her, she could live for another 20 years - when do I get mine???

The next time she says anything I'm honestly considering saying 'Maybe we should look into sheltered accomodation for you if you can't manage?' I'm a b1tch

Gx

You are not a !!!!!. You have just been programmed to feel like one. It is the same as an abused wife staying with a husband that beats her. Someone on the outside would wonder why she stayed. I would say she was made to feel that she deserved it and it was her fault. It happens slowly and you don't realise it has happened until it is too late.

This is not your fault. You are entitled to feel the way you do. They are your feelings, not anyone else's.

paulineb_2

Id just to say also, dont waste your life on resentment. My mum and gran had a difficult life, my gran went through a lot of hard times and so did my mum and they had their moments when they werent so close, but for the last 20 years or more they had a good relationship.

Im not saying you dont feel entitled to feel resentful, but try not to get to the stage where you see something negative in everything she says.

Sometimes families are hard work, my mum is fabulous but my father is a complete waste of space, they split a long time ago.

When my gran died, my mum was absolutely devastated and its been just over 2 years now, she misses her, I miss her. My gran died very suddenly of a massive stroke, one minute she was fit and healthy, the next day, dying.

And there are times when even though my mum and I get on most of the time, sometimes we argue, but over the last few years Ive realised, you only get one life, its pointless to get worn down over every single thing.

You can be there for your mum at arms length if you need to. But hanging onto resentment isnt healthy and you dont need to live like that, it drags you down, it makes you unhappy and sometimes its very easy to fall into certain patterns of behaviour.

Life isnt easy at times. I know that and Im sure a lot of people do as well. But sometimes we have to accept people warts and all and then make decisions on how we move forward with our own lives while not allowing someone elses life issues to affect us negatively.

gwen80

Sorry I'd only be suggesting moving her into sheltered accomodation to try and make her see that her attempts to manipulate me may not have the desired effect, hence the 'I'm a b1tch' comment.

Having said that I certainly wouldn't dismiss it. I don't know too much about it, but I guess I'd know that she was reasonably safe and well and had people around her. Any quality of life above that point is up to her. I very much doubt she'd agree to it, but suggesting it may make her think?

I think I've probably spent far too much time and energy trying to improve her life rather than my own in the hope that once hers was good, I'd be able to have my own. I'm now starting to see we'll never get to that point because she doesn't want a life of her own, she wants me to give up mine for her.

Gx

SuzieSue

OP, your mother sounds just like my mother so I know exactly what you are going through.

I am in my late 40s and I haven't seen or spoken to my mother for 5 months now as I just got fed up with the way she was manipulating everyone.

It was slightly easier for me as I have siblings who are still in contact with to her and also I have a wonderful husband for support.

It would be much harder for you to break off contact, not that I think you want to.

But you must put yourself first and live your own life. You just have to ignore her constant digs about how brilliant other people's children are and what they do for their parent although I know it is much easier said than done.

I do feel for you and know exactly what you mean about being relieved if something happened to her. But you mustn't feel bad about those feelings as you would have to be a saint not to feel resentful.

meritaten

gwen80 wrote: »

I'm so sorry Own My Own. This is exactly the situation I don't want. I already resent her, I don't want that to grow any further.

I don't feel good writing any of this. My friends Mum has just been diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and it's made me realise how lucky I am to have her still, but I can't deal with the pressure of having to live my life for her.

She wouldn't stop speaking to me, I just can't deal with the emotional blackmail.

As you say, you only get one life...I keep thinking if I gave up my life for her, she could live for another 20 years - when do I get mine???

The next time she says anything I'm honestly considering saying 'Maybe we should look into sheltered accomodation for you if you can't manage?' I'm a b1tch

Gx

Don't say that! not because it makes you sound like a b1tch, but because it will put her on alert and your life will become hell!

Gwen - don't ever consider giving up your life - your mothers needs shouldn't ever override yours.
Live your life and as long as you make sure your mother is given the opportunity to live hers fully, your duty as her daughter is done. please don't give in to emotional blackmail - its best to get the ground rules established now.
as long as mum has the basics - food shelter and warmth - you are NOT liable for her entertainment or interests, those are up to her.

Pixiechic

You need to live your life for you. Lead by example and who knows, she might start making more of an effort for herself.

If you already feel that you have 'spent far too much time and energy trying to improve her life', then you really do need to start focussing more on your own.

Life is too short to be held back by her quite selfish expectations.

gwen80

Mum has the basics more than sorted and she never asks me for practical help. I think she just wants me close and to spend all my spare time with her.

She has a lovely three bedroom bungalow in a pretty idyllic village. She has a little car. She can get the bus into town as well. She has a few friends in the village and others around. She eats well and could do whatever she wanted, she just chooses not to.

I agree that if I lead by example, she may follow suit, but I guess if she doesn't I have to carry on regardless. As much as I hate the thought of her sat in the house all day, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Gx

SuzieSue

gwen80 wrote: »

. I'm now starting to see we'll never get to that point because she doesn't want a life of her own, she wants me to give up mine for her.

Gx

Yes, that is exactly what she wants and you must do all you can to ensure she never gets it.

gwen80

Thanks for all your help. We'll see how it goes. I wish my Mum wasn't like this, but I've just got to accept it and try and move forwards.

Gx