Am I being over sensitive?

duchy

I suspect the OP treats people nicely and EXPECTS the same in return.

(I also note my questions about her son went unanswered)

red_devil

you sound very generous and she sounds very bad mannered for not getting a card. people often do not do what we expect though.

Spendless

Ruby_woo wrote: »

I buy her toiletries when I see them etc as her mother won't anymore but I have decided to withdraw slightly as it may appear that I'm doing the wrong thing.

I'm intrigued as to why her Mum is no longer buying toiletries for her daughter. My own teen (13 and a boy) will take 5,000 miles if you give him 5 cm (or try to at least). In the event I stopped buying toiletries from him, saying I'd given him an allowance to cover them and he was spending his money elsewhere instead, he'd be thrilled to bits to discover someone else's Mum was going to provide them instead. Of course it might not be as reasonable as that why she's stopped doing so..

LE3

Ruby_woo wrote: »

Oh yes ds bought me a card and present and when he wrote it he put her name on it.

That may be one of the issues - you see them as two people, your son & his gf. They see themselves as a couple - one unit, therefore one card, one present etc. I assume you & your husband don't buy her separate cards ...
I'm not saying it's right, but it's normal for teens!

viscachaz

Sorry I have just skimmed the thread, but my experience is, some people genuinely don't realise people see cards as important..

I had to explain to my darling boyfriend that I didn't want or expect anything else, but a card was pretty much a requirement on special occasions.. if I'd left him to his own devices I would have been cardless as we agreed to not buy presents! Maybe your son needs to gently point out to her that in your house you "do cards", and that he's just letting her know that :P

Some people genuinely don't see cards as anything, so it doesn't always occur to them that they may be causing offence..

Edit:

And now i've read that you got a joint card from them both, that seems acceptable to me.. I'd feel it a bit strange giving/receiving separate cards (unless it was the "done thing" in that household) and it wouldn't occur to me to do it that way unless I was told (but maybe I'm odd!!!)

MarilynMonroe_2

I'd have said this was one of the few threads that no one has been nasty.

On a side note re the toiletries, the mother might not be buying her them to make her make her own way in life. I was buying all my own things from 16. I wouldnt expect anyone to buy me those sort of things at 17. You might actually be undoing what the real mother is trying to achieve, and the mother might actually be nice afterall?

paddy's_mum

Ruby_woo wrote: »

her mum had told us she couldn't afford it x

No .. and in terms of her ingratitude, laziness and complete lack of quid-pro-quo, you can't afford it either!

jellyhead

Does the girl get an allowance/pocket money? Bursary from 6th form/college? wages from a job?

Maybe the mum is trying to teach her to budget, and she is spending her money on going to Alton Towers instead of her daily 'needs'?

duchy

SuzieSue wrote: »

I'm not sure what your point is but, yes, most DECENT people do treat people nicely and do EXPECT the same in return.

However, nicely doesn't necessarily mean gifts and I think that the OP needs to realise that just because her family gives cards and gifts, other people don't (I haven't bought a card or present in over 20 years because I refuse to be drawn in to the endless gift buying madness)

I don't think the OP "NEEDS" to realize anything-She was asking for opinions not direction.

I do think if you choose to give a gift it shouldn't be with any expectation of getting anything in return -if you do -it's a bonus (saves a lot of resentment and bad/hurt feelings). I'm sure some people think not giving any gift to anyone is just plain meaness -I know I do -but then I don't give gifts with any expectation -I'm more likely to buy a random gift for someone -if I see something that they'd love -rather than what you appear to regard as "duty gifts". People are different -problems start when gifts are (or aren't) exchanged between people with different ideas of what a gift "says".

I think the OP is a "giver" in life -but probably needs to rein it in with this girl as either it isn't appreciated OR the girl isn't comfortable with such generosity (for whatever reasons) and simply doesn't know/isn't comfortable responding in a way that to the OP feels would be appropriate.

And I also think Suzie needs to pull her neck in until she learns to understand the difference between opinion and nastiness.

Kynthia

duchy wrote: »

And I also think Suzie needs to pull her neck in until she learns to understand the difference between opinion and nastiness.

Sorry, what nastiness as I can't see it?