Am I being over sensitive?

duchy

Ruby-How did your boyfriend's mothers treat you at that age ?

You said when you talked to your son about it-it turned into a row....Can I ask why ? Did he think you were been unreasonable expecting anything from her ?

I must admit at seventeen I'd have felt uncomfortable about a boyfriend's Mum who was trying to treat me as if I were HER daughter -with expensive presents and buying me toiletries. Maybe she feels it's a bit full on and is trying to not encourage it ? It seems you are doing these things NOT that she is expecting you to ?

Bennifred

Person_one wrote: »

While its lovely that you are making such an effort to welcome this girl, and you're clearly a very kind person, I have to say I think you're going a bit OTT!

They aren't engaged, or living together, or married, they are 17 year olds who are dating. Yes, 18 months is a long time at that age, but its no guarantee she'll be around forever, Between 15 and 20 I had three relationships between a year and two years!

You aren't her mother in law, you don't need to buy such expensive gifts and lavish so much attention and attendance on her. Treat her nicely of course, make sure she feels welcome and wanted, but what you're doing now is a bit 'smothering' and weird, sorry.

I don't think guests should be expected to do chores beyond the basics of not leaving things a mess, and I think her name on a card that's jointly from you and your son is more than enough for a girlfriend at 17. You aren't friends, her relationship is not primarily with you, she only knows you through her relationship with your son. He's the connection and if they split up you'd probably never see her again, right?

Stay kind, and friendly, and welcoming, but I'd suggest that you invest less emotion in this person, and try to reduce your expectations a bit.

Completely agree with this. I have three sons with girlfriends of varying ages and durations. I hope I am friendly, kind and welcoming to each of them, but I think you are overdoing things and it sounds as if she is taking you for granted.

securityguy

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Will you please be my future mother in law?

Isn't that the problem? They're seventeen and dating, not planning a wedding. The OP doesn't seem to realise the distinction.

marisco_2

OP yourself and your husband are clearly very kind people who have gone out of your way to welcome your sons girlfriend and include her in your family life. Being considerate and generous is part of the way that you like to live. Maybe a little overly so though, considering this is a relatively new relationship for your son. It can also feel a bit overpowering, especially if someone is not use to people being this way.

Children and young adults learn what they live. It would appear that this young lady has a difficult relationship with her own family. I don't get the impression that she has ever been able to rely on them for much. She may well have been raised in an environment where people didn't show much care, thought or consideration to one another. I am not excusing her approach toward you but this may all go some way to explaining it.

It is a shame that not all parents choose to instil basic manners and social etiquette into their children. It puts them at such a disadvantage and risks them offending and causing ill feeling from the very people who treat them best. A difficult situation and I can understand you feeling saddened and disappointed. It may be that in time, after she has seen your son being thoughtful and loving toward her and yourselves again, that she may sit back and think things through a little. A card and small token gift would cost little, take hardly any time or effort to get but mean so much after all. There is always the chance that the great examples you are all setting may rub off on her.

securityguy

marisco wrote: »

It is a shame that not all parents choose to instil basic manners and social etiquette into their children.

If you think that showering a seventeen year old girlfriend with presents and then complaining she isn't suitably grateful is "basic manners and social etiquette" then clearly we're reading different copies of Emily Post. The whole saga, and hey, let's stop beating about the bush, is a needy OP who is desperate for a daughter who will also be a BFF, and is therefore attempting to make the poor girl feel so loved she has no option but to marry the son. Over on some young people's forum, there's presumably a matching posting in which someone says words to the effect of

My boyfriend's mother is really weird. We've been going out for a while but, honestly, we'll both be off to university soon and we all know what happens to school relationships when that happens. It's nothing serious, but we like going to the cinema and the sex is good, when we can find somewhere to do it. But his mother! !!!!, I don't know what to do. I was hardly through the door when she started buying me birthday presents, and now I'm having to have driving lessons with his father, whom I hardly know, because I really couldn't say no. We aren't going to get married, we aren't going to live together, I'm not pregnant and I'm being careful, as soon as we're off to university I'm sure we'll both meet someone else. But his mum is already planning the wedding and talking about Christmas. What do I do? I've tried keeping my distance, and I'm not getting involved in all the presents and stuff, but I'm sure she's complaining about me on old people's forums.

Idiophreak

Think you're being a little harsh, securityguy....They've been together for 18 months, it's not like they're on their second date.

(and FWIW, I'd been with my wife for 18 months when I started uni - and it worked out just swell, thanks )

MarilynMonroe_2

I wouldnt get my mil a card, that would be husbands responsibility, I;ve never got a bf's mam or dad a card ever! ... I think you might have taken it too much to heart considering you sound like youre bending over backwards to include her, but let's face it they probably wont even be together in a couple of years anyway, maybe hold back on being too close. save it for when youve got a proper daughter in law? x

MarilynMonroe_2

securityguy lol I did laugh at your post!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

My suspicion is that she feels that nothing she could do would compete with your incredibly generous outpourings of lavishness; so it's best to do nothing as you might well be disappointed with whatever she got you for a pressie. If she did get you a fridge magnet - you'd be saying 'all the things I've done for her and all I got was this lousy fridge magnet'.

And

I've never sent the OH's relatives a card ever. Even when I saw his mum and dad more than he did. That's his job. Her name was in the card from Son and that's that.

daisiegg

As others have said, you sound like a lovely mother whose heart is definitely in the right place. I possibly agree that it sounds like in your quest to be welcoming you may have gone a bit OTT, but only ever with kind and loving intentions!

As for the cards, I think a lot of 'young people' (!) just don't 'do' cards. I have never received a card from my teenaged brother (he will give me presents for birthday and Christmas but never cards!) or my sister who is in her early twenties (but again, she does presents). They just both think cards are a waste of money and paper.

I have been racking my brains and trying to remember if I ever bought a card for my bf's mother when I was that age. I was with a boy from the age of 16 to 21 and I am pretty sure I never bought her anything. Maybe when we had been together for a few years my bf put my name on his card for her and I certainly used to help him pick out presents for his family, but never would have sent anything individually from me. Indeed, now my family and my husband's family only get cards and presents signed from both of us, not separate ones (and I never get a birthday card from my MIL - I don't think she even knows when my birthday is!)

However what I don't think is ok is how she seems to take your hospitality for granted. When I was that age and with my long term boyfriend I always offered to help out around the house (though it was never accepted) and certainly would carry plates etc into the kitchen, help lay the table or load the dishwasher etc. If your son starts clearing plates after dinner and starts doing the dishes does she not ever even take her lead from him and help him carry things through?! Maybe you could start normalising it, for example after a meal say cheerfully to your son and his gf 'ok, you two on dishes today' or ask THEM (not just him) to lay the table, or go and collect towels to wash or whatever it might be?

Hope you get this sorted but please try not to worry TOO much about the card situation. I think you may be overreacting slightly to that, but not to her lack of manners as a house guest...