Am I being over sensitive?

dancingfairy

It's your house so your rules. If you are happy to have her behave as a member of the family then that's fine (and whatever chores they do/don't have) or if you are happy for her to be a guest and not to have to lift a finger then that's fine too, as long as you communicate what's what.
Same thing with the card - she may not do presents,she may have been embarassed, she may have asked your son - who knows.
I think the way forward is to try (!) and have a chat with your son and explain how hurt you were and that you would have liked a card.
Obviously carry on doing the things you do if your happy to do them.
df

jellyhead

She wished you a happy birthday and her name was in the card from your son. I honestly don't understand what the problem is here. I don't think I have ever given a bf's mum a birthday card. She probably asked him if he was putting her name in his card.

Now that I'm married I buy a card for my MIL ... my husband doesn't really 'do' cards - he thinks a card is only for people who you aren't going to see or telephone on the day, and he always visits or phones people to give the greeting in person. But my in-laws have a tiny family and they display their cards, so I think they like to get one from us even though they know my husband didn't choose it.

She does sound a bit ungrateful about you keeping her meal hot (I don't understand why you did that though, couldn't she have sorted herself out before she got to your house, or gone to the chippy?) but then she is only 17. My son's 17 year old girlfriend doesn't buy gifts for me. Her mum sends a small gift for the family, and my son's gf usually buys a selection box or similar for my youngest, but that's because he's a small child. I'd never expect her to buy anything for me, and I doubt that it would occur to her. The first christmas they were together she didn't send us a card either, because we were just the people who lived in the same house as her boyfriend, we weren't 'her' family. The second christmas that they were together we got a card from her and her family (including the dog - we were thrilled with that and it's going to stay blu-tacked to my youngest's wardrobe door forever!).

My son's gf isn't thoughtless. She's a lovely, thoughtful girl - but we're not her inlaws and she's only 17. I hope she wouldn't ever feel that I expected anything from her.

System

I have to agree with others, whilst you're being very kind and accommodating to a 17 year old it may be a little too much and she might not now how to react to it. As far a chores go she could be in the "guest" mentality, or might just not be used to doing them. At home my mum never let us do chores, she has very high standards of cleanliness and likes to do it herself, not that we didn't offer but it usually got turned down, that said i always offer to help with clearing plates/ doing washing up if someone has me over for a meal. My bf's parents bought me an xmas pressie which was unexpected as we'd only been going out a few months and i hadn't met them (still haven't!) and i went and bought them some chocolates and a card for him to take back, but i hadn't been prepared for it. I also felt guilty as my parents hadn't bought my bf anything, but again they haven't met so i think its more to do with that than anything else.

gozaimasu

a) doing nice things for people and EXPECTING thanks is wrong
b) giving presents, cards etc and EXPECTING a gift in return is wrong
c) feeling upset is your right and your choice
d) none of the above is the end of the world, please remember that people are dying slow and very painful deaths of cancer etc
e) true altruism is dead

All of the above is just my opinion. Not that any such disclaimer stops attacks.

If someone was lavishing me with unwanted gifts and attention, I'd be absolutely mortified if I found out they were upset I wasn't doing the same back to them. The pressure of knowing that this person was expecting something in return is something I can't afford and I'd tell them I couldn't keep up with their ritual.

I know people who say "the gesture would be nice" but then also complain that when a gesture is made, it's cheap or just not good enough etc. Hypocrisy.

Amen to the poster who said "count your blessings". Your son has a lovely girlfriend. If you're upset at not getting anything in return then just stop doing everything for her. Then continue to enjoy her company and your son's happiness without the social convention of gift giving.

bossymoo

Hi ruby! :wave:

Take no notice, you know what mob mentality can get like. When I was 17 my bf was having trouble at home, parents separating etc, and he spent a lot of time at ours. My mum did sometimes do him a meal after we had all eaten, or some other treat, loan bus fares, give lifts etc. Its not weird, just kind and thoughtful.

He wouldn't have got her a birthday card, though. I probably wrote his name in (can't remember, too long ago ) however he did always say thank you, and muck in with everyone when h e stayed over.

I wouldn't read much into the card business, but it seems she hasn't had much guidance in manners!

Maybe take a small step back with your generosity.

(Hugs)

glossgal

gozaimasu wrote: »

a) doing nice things for people and EXPECTING thanks is wrong
b) giving presents, cards etc and EXPECTING a gift in return is wrong
c) feeling upset is your right and your choice
d) none of the above is the end of the world, please remember that people are dying slow and very painful deaths of cancer etc
e) true altruism is dead

All of the above is just my opinion. Not that any such disclaimer stops attacks.

If someone was lavishing me with unwanted gifts and attention, I'd be absolutely mortified if I found out they were upset I wasn't doing the same back to them. The pressure of knowing that this person was expecting something in return is something I can't afford and I'd tell them I couldn't keep up with their ritual.

I know people who say "the gesture would be nice" but then also complain that when a gesture is made, it's cheap or just not good enough etc. Hypocrisy.

Amen to the poster who said "count your blessings". Your son has a lovely girlfriend. If you're upset at not getting anything in return then just stop doing everything for her. Then continue to enjoy her company and your son's happiness without the social convention of gift giving.

Exactly this. Neediness is never attractive and at that age well, she has a mother and presumably friends of her own-why would she need to be on that 'level' with you? The fact that you've called posters nasty etc when they haven't been at all suggests to me you might be quite emotionally immature, if she is keeping her distance I think the girlfriend may be more astute than she's been given credit for

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Nasty? I can't see nasty...perhaps you are oversensitive in more areas than just your son's girlfriend?

tonycottee

Agree with the last 2 posters. I seem to have missed all the nasty posts too.
Or is it that if somebody had a different opinion to you, you class them as nasty?

I was going to say that I wouldn't feel hurt that a 17 year old girl hadn't bought me a card. On their list of priorities at that age, I think it would be very low down.

But that's just me being nasty to the OP...

Poppy9

Sorry Ruby but I think you are going far too OTT with your DS girlfriend. It is his GF and it's up to him to treat her to meals out, small gifts etc. I do think you buying expensive gifts is OTT for someone who is not part of the family yet.

Do you do the same for your son's best friend?

I am close to DD best friend (they are both 18) and always here with a hug or a good talking to when she needs it (her mother isn't very maternal), but I only buy small gifts for birthdays/Xmas and never cards because I think they are a waste of money! In return she gives me a box of choccies or smellies on my birthday and she sends me a mother's day card. She does come out for meals with us but she always offers to pay for herself.

She is at home here and over the years has stayed over a lot. She makes her own cups of tea and tidies after herself. I always get a text to Mama Poppy saying thank you.

DD is welcome at her house but she isn't treated like a second daughter there as they are just not that sort of family.

However at 18 I wouldn't treat DD boyfriend like this. I would be more keen for DD to develop her own relationship with him and to keep my distance as they are young and I don't feel I should get involved in her relationships. Not saying my way is right way, just how I would be. I don't really want DD settling down at this age as you are old a long time!!

I really don't know why you are paying for her to go on holiday either, she needs to learn that if she wants treats with friends she has to earn money to pay for them.

If I was you I would back off with the expensive gifts and keeping her in toiletries. I also wouldn't put up food for her if she misses meal time. You are not her mother!

She does sound like she has no manners and that she treats you as a door mat TBH. Reclaim your home

MarilynMonroe_2

Ruby_woo wrote: »

Thanks for the replies....even the not so nice ones!

I have had a long think and please be assured security guy that I'm not trying to marry my son off. I treat people kindly and like to be treated kindly in return. I buy her toiletries when I see them etc as her mother won't anymore but I have decided to withdraw slightly as it may appear that I'm doing the wrong thing.

Manners cost nothing but get you a long, long way!

Thank you for all of the kind messages I have had plus a couple of pm's telling me not to rise to the bait of some posters here who seem to want to cause a row on most threads lol.

I'm now off on holiday so I'm sure that by the time I get back in a fortnight, the not so kind posters will have moved on to someone else to be nasty to! Bye x

Aww I think youre being a bit unkind to security guy, his post was obviously in jest and quite funny I thought!