Am I being over sensitive?

Bazey

Ruby_woo wrote: »

Maybe you could explain how I have clearly failed and only got myself to blame.....?

Just on the wind up. Was it not already obvious?

Spendless

My 1st thought was along the lines of balletshoes, maybe she is being brought up in a family where children do not send or give to adults? I agree about cards being important to some people and not others. My sister once fell out with me for 3 years as I had not written Mr (as well as mrs) on her xmas card's envelope. Husband's family are hit and miss with remembering about cards and the right dates.


I also wondered if she had any money of her own. I know people have mentioned a home made card or gift but seriously my handy skills are lower than the average nursery age child. A home made card from me would be a piece of paper with a stick man on it drawn in biro. Seriously you'd be doing a thread about me asking if I was taking the pee with the home made card you'd receive. obviously if you are going to say that she's an A level art student that's a different kettle of fish.

NervousHomeowner

It does seem like you're being ever so lovely to your son's GF & that's very sweet of you but I would have felt very awkward had my boyfriend's mum bought me those sorts of things at 17! My partner's mum & I didn't do presents until my OH & I moved in together.

However, obviously it is a bit odd that she hasn't given you anything in return, especially when you obviously go out of your way to make her feel like part of the family. I am sure she's not intending to be hurtful, could it be that your son had said not to worry because you wouldn't want her to go out of her way? Or maybe she feels that what she could afford to give you wouldn't be good enough to 'pay you back' for the presents you have given her & felt embarrassed about it? It could also be like other posters have suggested and her family just don't expect the children to buy presents/cards for adults. In that case she might think you'd find it weird/disrespectful for her to buy you a card or a present.

Out of interest, what did your son say when you mentioned this to him? Was he able to shed any light on the situation?

Hezzawithkids

Gigglepig wrote: »

I would be dissapointed too but lots of teenagers are quite selfish and it probably isn't worth being worked up about. /QUOTE]

So are some adults LOL. I still get worked up that by bro+SIL manage to 'forget' my DD's birthday year after year even though my DD and their DD are very close and their birthdays are only 6 weeks apart. I always remember my niece's birthday and it winds me up no end that my DD gets ignored this way. Hey ho.

OP maybe you should ask yourself why you do all these things for her in the first place. You sound really kind and spontaneously generous but are you trying to buy her affection so that she stays with your DS or even feel somehow obliged to make up for the shortcomings in her own family? Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but if you do things for her only in the expectation of getting something back then you are wasting your time. If that is the case then I would say you have invested enough of your energy and resources in this young lady and in your position I would be scaling back on all gifts except for birthdays and Xmas for a start, then maybe stop feeding her unless she has been specifically invited to stay for tea etc.

If you are doing it because you genuinely want to then you need to grow a thicker skin when its not reciprocated.

System

Ungrateful child!:mad:

securityguy

I don't think we exchanged cards with our mothers-in-law until we were living together, and it's been pretty hit and miss over the ensuring thirty-odd years. Getting into a complex mesh of card and present obligations with a 17 year old son's girlfriend all sounds a bit pressurising, and if I were her I'd be rather nervous about the assumptions behind it. It does rather smack of a mother who's rather keen to marry her son off and acquire a surrogate daughter in the process.

Stephb1986_2

Will you please be my future mother in law?

When it's my FMIL birthday I usually go halves with my OH he also puts my name in the card I don't actually sign it myself

When we first got together I use to get her a separate present.

She needs to be taught some manners, my mum always taught me manners it drives me mad when people don't use manners back.

Steph xx

busiscoming2

You sound lovely Ruby woo

I think it wouldn't have hurt her to make a little effort of her own. Does she not have ANY money of her own? no part time job or pocket money?

It seems you lavish gifts and include her a little too much (done it ourselves and learnt the lessons). She may not seem to get on with her parents very much but you have only heard one side of the story. I wonder what her parents think of you indulging their daughter as much as you do, especially if they can't afford to do it. This may cause tension for her at home too.

Saying that I'd be a little hurt that it all seems a one way street.

Brighton_belle

Given they are very very young, there is a risk that excessive generosity would actually make it very difficult for her to split up with your bf if they naturally out grew each other.
What do you give the next girlfriend and the next one: constant run of free driving lessons?

I think you should scale back a bit - it is still possible to be kind and welcoming (which is a lovely facet of your personality) without going over board. And if she really was 'like a member of the family' you would expect her to clear up/help out etc.
Maybe the kindest and most generous thing you can do is not to give her more things/services but to gently teach her such manners?
You really shouldn't have to clear up the bathroom after her.

Person_one

While its lovely that you are making such an effort to welcome this girl, and you're clearly a very kind person, I have to say I think you're going a bit OTT!

They aren't engaged, or living together, or married, they are 17 year olds who are dating. Yes, 18 months is a long time at that age, but its no guarantee she'll be around forever, Between 15 and 20 I had three relationships between a year and two years!

You aren't her mother in law, you don't need to buy such expensive gifts and lavish so much attention and attendance on her. Treat her nicely of course, make sure she feels welcome and wanted, but what you're doing now is a bit 'smothering' and weird, sorry.

I don't think guests should be expected to do chores beyond the basics of not leaving things a mess, and I think her name on a card that's jointly from you and your son is more than enough for a girlfriend at 17. You aren't friends, her relationship is not primarily with you, she only knows you through her relationship with your son. He's the connection and if they split up you'd probably never see her again, right?

Stay kind, and friendly, and welcoming, but I'd suggest that you invest less emotion in this person, and try to reduce your expectations a bit.