DS GF staying over.... advice.

Dunroamin

Have I missed something - why can't you or your OH just run her home or her mum come and collect her?

Ruby_woo

I know it's a really hard one for you so I thought I would share my thoughts to try and help.

My ds who is 17 too asked if his girlfriend could stay over this time last year when they were both 16! Tbf at first I was shocked that they had asked me but we have always brought him up to talk to us about anything (and boy he does!) so I had faith that they would be sensible. At the time she too was living some distance away so it was a similar thing to your decision.

I spoke to her mother and between us and his father who he sees every other weekend, we decided that we were all happy with the arrangement.

I would prefer that they have sex in their own homes and are safe.

Yes, at times it's a bit of a house full as our house is small and that annoys me sometimes especially if she doesn't pull her weight around the house if she is staying but that's another story......

I guess if you say she can stay this once, and they are a permanent item, then you need to remember this will probably be a regular thing!

Good luck and remember to set the boundaries now xxx

Cazza

I think it may say a lot about your Son's "intentions" that he himself suggested staying on the sofa (and his respect for her, that he would be on the sofa so she could have his room, rather than visa versa).

I can completely see why this makes you feel so uncomfortable OP, I'm not a parent but my boyfriend was never allowed to stay in my room when I lived with my parents, this was until I left home at 22 and we'd been together 4 years. I went to Catholic schools and although my parents weren't religious many of my friends parents were. Their parent's rules were the same as my parents, no partners to stay over in bedrooms. Some were lucky enough to have spare rooms, some were on sofas.

I think it would be a real shame for your Son not to be able to attend his Leavers party with his GF. There's a good reason for his request and he's suggested a reasonable resolution to your (and maybe his) religious beliefs. I agree with the poster who suggested waiting up for them to get home, then making it clear you're pottering around after they go to bed. I do think you need to trust your Son though. In the long term his beliefs may or may not align exactly with the Catholic line but if you explain to him now the soul searching you have gone through in making your decision and that you trust him not to do anything in the family home which would undermine that trust, then hopefully the mutual respect will win through? I don't think it would be unreasonable to make it clear this is a one off for a special occasion.

Would you feel comfortable discussing this with your Priest?

marisco_2

There comes a time when you have to place some trust in your children as they grow up and turn into adults. After discussing this with your DS he appears happy to sleep on the sofa, whilst his GF sleeps in his room. You don't say if he agreed to this without fuss or whether anything was said that makes you question if he will keep to this. From your post I take it that thus far he is respecting your stance on this situation and the rules of your home.

You say that you feel uneasy about this situation because having GF/BF staying over isn't part of the faith you believe in. It also isn't part of the faith that your son believes in too though. Perhaps he isn't wrestling with his conscience over this because he has no intention of doing anything that would upset you or leave you feeling let down.

I am not young and naïve and I understand your concern over whether they will both stick to this agreement, taking into account young love and teenage hormones etc. You know your son better than any of us of course and are best placed to judge how to proceed. If you do decide to say no there is always the risk that they will choose to stay elsewhere for the night. Depending on available space there may not be the option to be in separate rooms, which given your sons current thoughts on being separate may feel awkward, for both him and the GF.

System

I have the same sort of dilemma when my sons girlfriend comes to stay. She lives about 130 miles away so they don't see eachother very often.

When she stays here she has his bed and he has to sleep downstairs on the sofa.

the reason being, its not that i'm puritanical its purely because of their ages.

He is 17 and she is 15!

Its her birthday next month and I suppose ive got to give in at some point.:(

Lara44

Your DS might be leaving home next year at 18, in which case he will be able to do whatever he wants. It might be a good time to start preparing him for that transition now by chatting to him about relationships and letting his GF stay in his room, with him on the sofa.

paulineb_2

Im not sure what faith does or doesnt have to do with this to be honest. Because a lot of Catholic people dont follow their faith to the letter, its been made clear they are going to be in different rooms, shes going to be on the sofa or he is, they wont be sharing a bedroom, I dont see what the problem is with that at all.

Also, going back to what someone else said, you dont have an idea whether they have or havent already had sex, its totally your right not to want them to have a physical relationship under your roof but all you are doing is offering her a roof for the night, you arent making them up a bed and giving them your blessing to have sex, its two different things.

When I was 18 and I started dating someone seriously, I was allowed to have my bf over, however his family made me very unwelcome and not just me, the partners of any of the siblings werent welcomed into the family. Its not nice being in a long term relationship with someone and their family are unwelcoming (Im not saying thats what you are, just that was my experience). And I dont mean by that I wanted to go and sleep with my bf in his house.

They were apparently panicking about me getting pregnant but they were having these conversations with him before we had even started a sexual relationship and the way they treated me then meant I didnt really have much to do with them afterwards.

NAR

OP I think it is very gallant (old fashioned term I know) of your son to give up his bed for his GF and sleep on the sofa. This night obviously means a lot to them both. This situation should be about trust, and in particular, you trusting your son. Your husband obviously does, why can't you?
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you put so much trust in your faith, why can you not extend this trust to your son?

Savvy_Sue

In my house, the rule is "no sex on the premises without a license."

But that wouldn't stop the boys having friends to stay: I've had four lads and a girl in one tent a few times ... I didn't give any instructions on that occasion: they're nice lads (and she's a nice girl) so unlikely to get up to anything.

FWIW, we were once staying with friends before we were married, in separate rooms. Unfortunately their house was a bit of a building site, and rain started to come into the room I was in, dripping onto some plastic sheeting. I felt I had no choice but to move to DH's room and explain in the morning. We didn't get up to anything. Even before we were engaged I regularly slept in his bedroom without getting up to anything.

(There's also "no wet spoons in the sugar bowl" and "PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN IF YOU USE THE ENSUITE!")

Dunroamin

NAR wrote: »

OP I think it is very gallant (old fashioned term I know) of your son to give up his bed for his GF and sleep on the sofa. This night obviously means a lot to them both. This situation should be about trust, and in particular, you trusting your son. Your husband obviously does, why can't you?
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you put so much trust in your faith, why can you not extend this trust to your son?

Actually, the comment about the husband isn't totally accurate as he seems to be assuming that they'll have sex rather than trusting that they won't.