DS GF staying over.... advice.

brians_daughter

ok, A long one, i fear! I feel I shall go on a bit too much. but i cant sleep so it will make me feel better :T:T:T

DS (17) has been 'meeting' a young lady (i assume 'meeting' is dating in the 2000's? lol, for some time now. She lives in a different town to us, so the last bus home is 10.15.

They are going to a leavers ball next weekend (9pm start) and DS has asked can GF stay over. I am REALLY uncomfortable with this, but understand it will cost circa £30 for a taxi, so her going home is not really an option, unless we pay or go 1/2 with the GF mum (which she wont do, and i'm loathed to do if GF mum wont chip in. Due to recent circumstances £30 is a lot of money ATM)

He has said that he will sleep on the sofa etc as we have no spare room but DS bedroom is downstairs (converted dining room). DD and youngest DS share so its not an option to put them in his room and him in theirs.

I know its 'my house my rules' but I don't want DS to think I don't trust him, and I don't want to make a big deal out of this. But as I say, I am uncomfortable with the entire situation. The situation is no issue to my oh as he says 'better for them to be here than on the streets' etc. I think the issue lies with the fact we attend Church (DS and I, oh and the other DD/DS's don't as they don't buy into religion - fine, their choice) Both DS and I take our faith seriously, and TBH GF's/BF stopping over aren't part of the faith we believe in...

Suggestions please? Am i being unreasonable saying she cannot stay, thus spoiling their long planned and awaited evening, or do I stick to my guns ?

she has no friends who are coming over, infact she knows no one in the area she could stay with/share a taxi with and my youngest are far too young to share with her (a relative stranger they have met a handful of times) as they're still pre-school

coolcait

brians_daughter wrote: »

DD and youngest DS share so its not an option to put them in his room and him in theirs.

Why not?

There's no reason why they can't share their older brother's room. If that means sleeping on the floor, sleeping bags and so on, then that can be fun.

CustardAndPickles

Just a thought....Is your religious belief that people aren't allowed to sleep in the same house, or that pre-marital sex is forbidden?

The reason I ask is that you say your son shares your belief, so surely if it forbids pre-marital sex he's not going to having sex with her anyway and you've nothing to worry about?

It's a shame your husband isn't being too much help with your dilemma but it is indeed your house and your rules, and if you feel that your son will end up having sex with the girlfriend in your house, and you don't want that, then you are entitled to say no.

Alternatively, why not sit down and have a talk with your son about your thoughts and feelings? You say you don't want him to think you don't trust him - but to be honest, it sounds like you don't or else you wouldn't be posting here. You could sit down and say that you don't want to be unhelpful but you really don't like the thought of them having sex under your roof and ask him what he could do to reassure you that's not going to happen. Perhaps he might surprise you.

brians_daughter

sorry, should have said DD and DS share and they have a box room (6 ft x 6ft) with 2 cot beds in there. DS is 6 ft 2 so i doubt he would fit in, unless he lay diagonal lol.

I have considered asking my Dad to have the youngest over night, or shipping oh off to his mums with the 2 youngest so i can 'camp' in the babies room, she can have my bed and his his own. But its quite a round trip, i'm sure the in-laws would love to see them, but, again, its £30 fuel costs we haven't allocated in this months budget.

Do you think I am being 'daft' about the whole thing? I doubt they would do anything untoward (so to speak) but the situation sill makes me feel odd, to say the least.

Part of me says 'he's grown into a fine young man and he can make his own choices' but the other half says 'my house, i am not comfortable with this, therefore it isn't happening' although, i do feel thought 2 is a tad selfish

brians_daughter

CustardAndPickles wrote: »

Just a thought....Is your religious belief that people aren't allowed to sleep in the same house, or that pre-marital sex is forbidden?

The reason I ask is that you say your son shares your belief, so surely if it forbids pre-marital sex he's not going to having sex with her anyway and you've nothing to worry about?

It's a shame your husband isn't being too much help with your dilemma but it is indeed your house and your rules, and if you feel that your son will end up having sex with the girlfriend in your house, and you don't want that, then you are entitled to say no.

Alternatively, why not sit down and have a talk with your son about your thoughts and feelings? You say you don't want him to think you don't trust him - but to be honest, it sounds like you don't or else you wouldn't be posting here. You could sit down and say that you don't want to be unhelpful but you really don't like the thought of them having sex under your roof and ask him what he could do to reassure you that's not going to happen. Perhaps he might surprise you.

TBH its not just our Catholicism, although that does play a part in it. i just dont feel like I know this girl (as lovely as she seems) well enough to invite her to stay overnight... if that makes sense?

Im reading my original post back, and i'm thinking 'if it was anyone else posting i would say get over it - make a decision and stick by it' But i do think it is a mix of the 2 rather than a solely religious aspect? But, then again, how do you say she cant stay over with out him feeling i distrust her or him, or both? :mad::mad::mad:

Maybe i should 'woman up' lol

CustardAndPickles

brians_daughter wrote: »

TBH its not just our Catholicism, although that does play a part in it. i just dont feel like I know this girl (as lovely as she seems) well enough to invite her to stay overnight... if that makes sense?

Im reading my original post back, and i'm thinking 'if it was anyone else posting i would say get over it - make a decision and stick by it' But i do think it is a mix of the 2 rather than a solely religious aspect? But, then again, how do you say she cant stay over with out him feeling i distrust her or him, or both? :mad::mad::mad:

Maybe i should 'woman up' lol

Well, it's still your house and you don't have to have someone you don't know staying!

It sounds like you really don't want this girl staying over and your posts read like you're trying to convince yourself into letting her stay. You say your son has turned into a nice lad and he has the same religious views - you are just going to have to sit down and say that you're really sorry but you don't want her staying in the house. Talk it out with him but for his sake it would be fairer to let him know now rather than later. He's 17, she's 17, they will be able to think their way out of it whether that's them finding £30 from somewhere or finishing the evening a little earlier.

Netwizard

He's 17 and they have been meeting for some time? They have probably already had sex but scared to tell you!

Tell her to bring a sleeping bag and she can doss down on the sofa if your that worried

NoAngel

I was brought up catholic too and my bf (now husband!) was allowed to stay from around the age of 17 and I stayed at his too. Our parents all made it crystal clear that we had separate rooms. We were lucky enough to have an empty bedroom for him but otherwise he'd have been on the sofa. And I was on the sofa at theirs. It was literally just an arrangement for convenience as we lived unite far apart.

I'd say let her stay, give her the sofa and sleeping bag and let them enjoy their night

balletshoes

brians_daughter wrote: »

sorry, should have said DD and DS share and they have a box room (6 ft x 6ft) with 2 cot beds in there. DS is 6 ft 2 so i doubt he would fit in, unless he lay diagonal lol.

I have considered asking my Dad to have the youngest over night, or shipping oh off to his mums with the 2 youngest so i can 'camp' in the babies room, she can have my bed and his his own. But its quite a round trip, i'm sure the in-laws would love to see them, but, again, its £30 fuel costs we haven't allocated in this months budget.

Do you think I am being 'daft' about the whole thing? I doubt they would do anything untoward (so to speak) but the situation sill makes me feel odd, to say the least.

Part of me says 'he's grown into a fine young man and he can make his own choices' but the other half says 'my house, i am not comfortable with this, therefore it isn't happening' although, i do feel thought 2 is a tad selfish

honestly I think, in the circumstances, it makes sense for the girl to stay over in your home. As this is a new development for you all, I think this is the perfect time to have a chat with your DS about what you both expect/want when he has a girlfriend stay over.

tyllwyd

brians_daughter wrote: »

TBH its not just our Catholicism, although that does play a part in it. i just dont feel like I know this girl (as lovely as she seems) well enough to invite her to stay overnight... if that makes sense?
...

It seems a bit harsh to say that your son can't have a friend to stay because you don't know her well enough, even though you have no reason to dislike her. Maybe you could encourage him to invite her round a few times during the day, and to have a meal with you before hand so that you do get to know her a bit more?

If it is only a matter of her sleeping at yours for one night after a party, to be honest it seems unfair to just say a blanket no - your DS has said that he is willing to sleep on the sofa so he is trying to help.

If the two youngest are pre-school, maybe your DD could sleep in your room with you, and your two DS could share that night? (Ooops, just realised that you've said that is physically impossible, sorry!)

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Ok - I'm inclined to just tell her she can have the sofa but what would happen if you just said 'no'? Wouldn't the parents sort out a taxi for her? Can you not give her a lift home? Or could you put her in with your daughter and shift your other son onto the sofa for one night?