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DS GF staying over.... advice.
Comments
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My opinion:
Let her stay in his room, him on the sofa as he has suggested. I'd still have a chat with him about his beliefs, sex etc before just so I could get a feel for his feelings.
Alternatively I'd try to arrange to pick her up and run her home afterwards.0 -
If part of the reason you're uncomfortable it's because you don't know her well, could you invite her round for dinner and get to know her better?
I'm sure if your ds is as lovely as you say he would have only chosen a lovely girl to dateLittle Lowe born January 2014 at 36+6
Completed on house September 2013
Got Married April 20110 -
Sounds like you are shying away from having "the conversation".
If your DS had a male friend (or female non girl friend) staying over, wouldn't you just shrug and offer the sofa?
I've always made it clear to my two that friends are welcome to stay over on the sofa and that I would rather people stay over than risk taking late night transport or making their own way home alone.I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages & student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.0 -
It strikes me that this is one of those growing up situations that most parents have to overcome and it is likely to crop up again so you need to decide how to deal with it now and just get used to the idea.
I hope that doesnt sound unkind. I think the girlfriend should be allowed to stay. I think I would feel differently if your son was a couple of years younger but at 17 I think he is old enough for you to allow this.
Short of creeping about during the night with a torch to check on them you arent really going to know whats going on downstairs but you have to trust your son and hope that they will feel uncomfortable about getting up to anything in your house.
When I was 18 my now husband used to stay over quite regularly. He had to share a room with my brother but he could have easily crept into my bed. The thought of the embarrassment of being found out always stopped us though and it just made life so much easier for us being able to go out and get a taxi home together. I really appreciated my parents for allowing this to happen, although looking back now they probably felt very uncomfortable about it too.0 -
I think it makes sense for the girl to stay over tbh. And it seems reasonable to me for her to have your son's room and your son to sleep on the sofa.
I presume though you're concerned that he might slip back into his room once you're asleep, to have sex with this girl? Well, my thoughts are that if they're going to have sex they'll manage it one way or another and it's better (as your OH says) to be having it somewhere safe and relaxed and comfortable than trying to deal with a split condom while fumbling in a bus shelter. However it is your house, your rules so if you want to eliminate the possibility of him sneaking through, why don't you sleep on the sofa and your son can bunk in with his dad? Or you can have DS sleeping on the floor of your bedroom so you can keep an eye on him.
If the above two suggestions sound like a step too far btw, that's because they are imho. If your son has been brought up with strong religious convictions there does come a point where you have to have a little faith in both the way you brought him up and with him. Have a chat with your son, you can make it a lighthearted one of course but share your anxieties about the situation with him. Not that you're afraid that they'll start shagging like bunnies two seconds after you've gone to bed, no, more that you've never had to think of this before and you both need to work out the house rules and protocol.
Either that or get the £30 out. I know it's not in the budget but you'll just have to pay up to get rid of her, no? Or OH or you could drive her home?Val.0 -
Out of interest if his girlfriends mum isn't willing to pay for a taxi for her daughter to get home, how is she expecting her to get back?
Don't either your DS or his girlfriend have part time jobs? When I was 17 I could have found £30 easily, I probably used to spend that just topping up my phone each month and more buying clothes, going out etc. I used to get a small amount from my parents but everything else I paid for myself.
But if she does stay over, let him go in his bed and he goes on the sofa or vice versa. I'm sure afterwards you'll wonder what you were worrying about. If they're going to have sex chances are they've done it by now anyway and if they haven't they won't necessarily be doing it that night anyway knowing there's a chance you will catch them as they're supposed to be in different rooms.0 -
What would you do it it were a boy who needed a bed for the night for the same reason? I would use that as a starting point.
Does your son really think that you'd let him sleep in the same room as her? I doubt it. Would your son really get up to hanky panky in your house with her while you're upstairs asleep? If he's been raised a catholic I would hope not. Chances are if they're having sex the last place they would want to do it is in your house.
I would allow it, with one on the sofa and one in his room, I would also make sure I was up when the came in to sort out the sleeping arrangements and make it obvious that I was still pottering around upstairs when I went to bed. You're going to have to trust him at some point, might as well be now.
I do think you're overthinking it and find it quite sad that you don't trust your son and think that he doesn't respect you enough to not have sex under your roof when he knows it goes against your religious beliefs.Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear0 -
I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think you are slightly overreacting !
She could easily just sleep on the couch give her a cover and you could tell your son, that you trust he will behave and follow your rules. I don't think they would want to take the chance of getting caught so to speak.
If it were my son I wouldn't want a young girl travelling home at the time of night alone in a taxi and would happily let her stay.
In this day and age to have a respectable 17 year old is somewhat rare, be thankful he is not some lout out drinking and sleeping with girls all over the place. Your son clearly likes this girl enough to bring her home. Encourage him to be open with you and welcome this girl in.
I would worry when he starts hiding things, however doesn't seem to be the issue. I myself am catholic but like I say if my son at 17 was open and honest with me and brought a pleasant girl home I would be delighted. As at 17 he actually is old enough to do what he wants to an extent.
Oh and I moved in with my husband at 17 years old as my mother threw me out. 11 years down the line and 3 children later we are still together and married0 -
Would putting the girlfriend in the same room as your dd work?
Maybe dd and girlfriend in the box room, or dd and girlfriend in your older sons room?
Then your young son either on the sofa ( if gf and dd use box from)8 or if dd and gf use older sons room, the son on the sofa and you ger son in box room
That way gf effectively supervised?0 -
If the mean sticky point is the fact you don't know her, then you need to apply the same principle you are using in regards to him having sex. You need to trust him. The reality is that he will choose his girlfriends, whether you like them or not, and you will have to make an effort to welcome them (unless they are disrespectful).
I think they are already acting in a mature way and this should be appreciated. Let her stay. The outcome is likely to be that she thinks you are nice and cool and therefore more likely to be friendly and pleasant towards you, which is undeniably a good start to you getting to know her.0
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