Is my relationship worth saving?

weathergurl

To be honest I'm absolutely cr*pping myself at the thought of saying the actual words to him. I think that's one of the reasons I've stayed put. Not so much fear of leaving, but fear of what will happen if I try and leave. Yes the threat of him is enough to keep me in line. Even if it's not physical it could be hell to live in.

Financially I've got a little bit of savings, I've always had an emergency fund, and am quite good at managing on peanuts so I 'd be Ok there I think. Just need to make sure I've got my bank book. I would look for somewhere big enough for me and DD/BF if she wanted to come with me. She'll be upset because she loves her dad to bits, but she also knows exactly what he's like and will understand. I've always done all the paperwork side of things, one less stress for him to cope with so I just need to get all that together.

I need to stop beating abut the bush now and actually tell him I think we should call it a day. I don't think I could drag anyone else into that actual moment, would prob tip him over the edge for others to be involved and I don't have anyone close enough to be there with me.

RAS

Hi

On a very practical note; is the house in your name or joint names???

Any joint bank accounts or cards?

weathergurl

RAS wrote: »

Hi

On a very practical note; is the house in your name or joint names???

Any joint bank accounts or cards?

The house is in joint names, I paid the deposit of £9k 18 years ago and have paid more than half of mortgage ever since but I know I'll only get half back, so resigned to that.

Nothing else in joint names, he's not very good with money so I made sure I wasn't tied to him in that way.

When we first lived together he paid the electric and I paid for food, it was only when the electric got cut off I realised all those months he'd never paid anything. Since then I paid all the bills and he handed over housekeeping (which on a sidenote he hasn't given me so far this month, he tends to be very slow at that when he's in a mood, and I'm struggling to not go overdrawn at the moment)

Frith

He's not violent although he did push DD over once and she went to live with my mum for a while and has held me down during an argument.

THAT'S violent.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

I need to stop beating abut the bush now and actually tell him I think we should call it a day. I don't think I could drag anyone else into that actual moment, would prob tip him over the edge for others to be involved and I don't have anyone close enough to be there with me.

Please get all paperwork and anything precious out of the house first. If he turns nasty, you won't want to hang around.

Your local police station should have a domestic violence team. It would be worth having a talk with one of them and tell them that you are frightened of what will happen when you tell him you are leaving and take their advice. The thing to remember is that this is something that has happened many times before - anyone working in domestic abuse teams will be very familiar with the problems.

If you can't face the police, talk to Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

thehappybutterfly

I haven't read the thread but if the genders had been the other way round, I would have said that your partner probably has PMT!

ETA: But on further readinf, he's just a big fat bully

tayforth

I've only read the first few posts so far, but this guy sounds very like my ex.

Unpredictable mood swings - tick.

He sulks and doesn't speak to you for days - tick.

You feel as if you're walking on eggshells - tick

He throws tantrums just before important events and threatens not to go - tick.

He never admits that he's in the wrong - tick.

He blames you for his sh*tty behaviour - tick.

He monopolises your time and insists that you spend more time with HIS friends and family - tick.

You don't invite your family and friends round because of his behaviour - tick.

You feel a little more worn down and crushed each time - tick.

When he's nice, he's very very nice - tick.

You contribute more financially - tick.

I put up with a lot of carp. 2 months ago, I'd had enough. Long story short, I started a thread on here asking "Ever feel as if you've made a huge mistake?" The support and advice I received gave me the courage to go to the Samaritans, and I finally realised that I had been suffering emotional abuse. Then and there, I made the decision to end my marriage, and I honestly haven't looked back. It was the best decision I've ever made.

It wasn't easy to do, but by gosh it was worthwhile. I feel as if I've got out of prison.

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm a long time MSE'er since 2005, but I'm posting anonymously for some help or advice before my head explodes.

I'm in a long term relationship with my BF for over 25 years, we met when we were teens and it's my first and only relationship, so I don't have anything to judge it against.
We have a daughter who's now 23 (currently living at our house with her BF while they get rid of some debts and try and save some money).

I'm starting to feel like mine and BF's relationship isn't right, but am I over reacting?

He has bizarre and severe mood swings, almost to the point I think he might be bipolar. I'm constantly walking on eggshells making sure I don't say the wrong thing and trying to keep his life as smooth as possible to ward off his mood. During the good phase he's OK, very loving and attentive and we do have a laugh, but when the mood swings then boy do I know about it (and to some extent DD is sometimes in the firing line). He can be in a foul mood, picks an argument over anything, sulks, we don't talk for days and then he swings back out of it and everything is supposed to be fine.

I'm exhausted by it and it's really wearing me down, each episode of it crushes me a bit more and I lose all enthusiasm for everything. I just function.

But then when he's Ok I think we have a lovely relationship....but then again do we? Recently I've been trying to look at us as an outsider would and I'm not really liking what's there.

25 years is an awful long time to give up on, I feel like I've failed if I give up, but not sure I've got the will to fight any more.

I don't have many close friends, it's always been difficult socialising with BF as his mood swings often coincided with social events. He's fallen out with all his family and quite a few of his long time friends. He's fallen out with my closest friend so that's awkward. He has some more recent friends and we do sometimes socialise with them...but they're not really my friends. He'd be mortified if I ever spoke about our relationship to anyone, he's very private (Hence my anonymous post).

I help out with his hobby which often take up weekends, he's planned for us to go stay at his friends over the summer but when I suggested we went to visit my sister & family and stay there for a few days he ranted and raved about he doesn't think we should make an effort if they don't. They don't visit us because I've discouraged their visits in case he's not in a good mood. He hasn't attended any of my family functions or seen my family for a few years now.

Planning holidays I'm always aware that a few weeks before he'll have an episode and say he's not going...although he always has.

Workwise I work full time and earn £1500 a month, he's gradually cut down his hours so he can pursue his hobby to try and make a living out of it. Not sure what he earns to be honest but I reckon it's now about £800 a month from his job and an extra £200 or so a month from his hobby (but this is up and down and not regular). He gives me £300 a month housekeeping and I pay all mortgage, bills, food etc so my contribution is about £700. I pay for all holidays and most of household goods. We each pay our own credit cards, and running our own cars. Does this seem fair? He says he gives me what he can and I suppose I earn more so should pay more. I'd love to cut down my hours but can't as who would pay the bills? I feel like I'm taking up the shortfall so he can work 2.5 days a week. He can be incredibly generous though and buy me a nice present out of the blue.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, decorating even though he has much more 'at home' time. (DD & BF help a bit). He has done the big jobs over the years installed new bathroom, mended cars etc but this seems to have tailed off recently and there's things need doing in the house which he's aware of but he jokes he does things when he's ready. I do the things I can but if it's beyond my capabilities I have to rely on him, when he's ready.

The latest mood swing is typical and stems from a couple of pieces of broken garden furniture and some lengths of wood which have been hanging around in the garden for weeks. I tidied the garden over Bank Holiday and asked if we could take the rubbish to the dump the next day. Next day he got up incredibly early as he doesn't sleep well sometimes, watched TV and then fell asleep as he'd got up so early. So I packed my car with the rubbish and came in to say I was going to take it to the dump.

He was furious I'd done it on my own and not waited for him. We drove to the dump and I tried to make conversation but it was obvious he was in a foul mood. It took all of 30mins in total and we got back, he went to bed in a mood and slept the rest of the day. He then was in a mood for few days, not talking to me. And then expected everything to be fine as the usual routine. But I told him I was fed up of it and exhausted with it. We're not talking and we're living in separate rooms at the moment.

I love him so much and in his own way I know he adores me. We've been through some incredibly hard times together. The thought of uprooting, selling the house, living alone, telling DD fills me with dread. If I do give up on our relationship I feel I've wasted so many years. I just do't know what to do :-(

I'm so sorry for the long post, I don't know who to turn to. I'm sure he'd paint a different picture of our relationship and there must be things that I do that annoy him, but I honestly don't think I'm difficult to live with. Don't really have moods, work hard, not high maintenance, don't spend much on myself, try to keep myself looking halfway decent. Any advice on whether to keep fighting for this relationship and how to go about it seeing as I'm knackered! or am I flogging a dead horse?

I agree with those who said that if you're asking this question, you already know the answer.

Mojisola wrote: »

As soon as someone talks about "walking on eggshells" in their own home, you know there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. When you add in your last post, the writing would on the wall for me.

Your home should be a place of safety and refuge, not a place where you're always in the wrong and anxious about every word you say or thing you do.

People do have problems and a partner shouldn't walk away at the first sign of trouble but, if after 25 years, he's still not taking responsibility for his own actions, he's never going to.

Do you really want to be living this life for another 25 years?

I couldn't have put it better myself. Well said, Mojisola.

Eliza wrote: »

Imagine you're one of us reading through your post - try and see it as though it was written by a complete stranger - what sort of advice would you offer her?

He sounds like a selfish childish git to me, who stamps his feet and gets into a temper tantrum or a mood when life and the people who surround him don't go exactly as he wants.

I left my husband 2 weeks short of our 25th wedding anniversary, just as all the silver gifts were arriving! Best thing I ever did, I didn't feel a failure at all, but a total success. He's still moody and even more selfish now, 10 years on, but at least I don't have to put up with it any more - and I so know what you mean about walking on eggshells, I was exhausted trying to predict his reactions to everything that happened and trying to veer situations off his course (just as you do with a toddler) - at last I have my life back!!

I really wish you all the best, it's a really common story and I'm sure you won't find yourself alone in this.

Liz

Well done you!!!!! :beer:

I identify with what you say about having your life back. Definitely.

tayforth

Right - off to read the rest of the thread!

tayforth

weathergurl, you are in an abusive relationship. Your OH has been physically violent towards you and your daughter. To say nothing of the verbal and emotional abuse to which he has subjected you over the years. No wonder you're exhausted.

Never mind getting him to go to the doctor. You need to start taking care of YOU. As marisco says, you seem to be putting yourself last, and that needs to change. You deserve better than this.

I struggled to take it in when the posters on here and the lovely Samaritans lady told me that I was being abused. These links (and others) helped me to realise that it was true, and I would ask to read them and see if you recognise anything.

Like you, I read some of these in work, they left me in floods of tears - they could have been written about me.

---

The cycle of abuse (how he acts nice sometimes in order to manipulate you into staying)
http://www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

Gaslighting (making you think that you're imagining things and that your feelings aren't real or important)
http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/

10 characteristics of a sociopath (my ex ticked 1-9 - that's NINE OUT OF TEN)
http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html

Several really useful links on abusive relationships (and the effects that they have)
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-relationships/

weathergurl wrote: »

He would describe it as love for me that he would want to spend quality time together every day. Yes it did feel like an indirect punishment, plus the washing up left, house in a mess etc waiting for me when I got in.

But never, ever once has he actually told me I can't see a friend, or buy something or do something, and he likes to remind me of that fact, he did the other day after his latest mood swing.

GlynD thank you for your advice but just getting him to go to the GP would be impossible.

I suppose I feel I might be abandoning someone who has a mental illness. But how do I know if it's a mental illness or controlling behaviour if he won't go to the GP? (I have mentioned it before in connection with another medical condition he has, but got a flat no, he won't go)

Stop worrying about him. He's a nasty abuser and doesn't deserve it.

Mojisola wrote: »

Of course not because then you would something concrete to complain about. As things stand, if you said "You made me stop seeing my friends", he would say "When did I ever say that? You see, it's all in your head. You're the one with the problem".

You go with him to "help out with his hobby". If you said you'd rather stay at home, would he cancel his outing and stay home with you or go off and enjoy himself? If he did stay home, would he spend all the time making you feel guilty for spoiling his plans?

Exactly. Classic gaslighting and controlling behaviour.

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi Weather gurl,

I spent 10 years in a marriage rather similar to yours, and yes, my ex husband has bi polar.

The whole walking on eggshells, moods, foul temper, verbal abuse, controlling behaviour etc; I was there. He too alienated many of our friends and even lost a couple of jobs due to his behaviour and becoming aggressive at work. Combined with the manic phase where he'd spend every penny we had on frippery and I'd have to race him to the bank on payday to get the money out first so that rent and bills would be paid. Again, all the spare time, money, resources, seemed to go to him, never me. He never supported me in what I wanted to do. He was selfish - and so is your husband. It was awful, but I also had the same feeling of 'I can't give up on my marriage' as I loved him and it didn't seem quite bad enough to leave.

One big difference was that I was never frightened of violence from him when he got aggressive/verbally abusive, so could stick up for myself and tell him his behaviour was out of order, and he'd listen to me and take himself off to calm down. He would literally froth at the mouth with rage at times (I'd always thought that was made up!) and while he could be intimidating and scary, after a while I got so fed up with it that I took a firmer line with him instead of treading on eggshells. It still didn't seem bad enough to leave the marriage, seems daft now, but at the time that's how I felt. This is awful to say, but I used to wish that just once he would completely lose it and whack me one, then I'd be justified in leaving him. So despite the fact that I stood up to him, years of this emotional abuse had won me down to that extent.

He too refused to go to the doctor, even though something was clearly very wrong and he could also see that.

We did eventually split up. He is now with someone else and good luck to her - he is now diagnosed and is under treatment so hopefully not so erratic but has had a few residential stints in hospital when he's been suicidal.

Do I feel guilty about anything? No. I tried. My only regret is not getting out sooner. Even a mental disorder doesn't mean your partner should resign themselves to a lifetime of controlling/abusive behaviour and a relationship that causes as much stress and trouble as good stuff. If you are mentally ill, and refuse to get help with it out of stupid pride, then it's self inflicted as far as I'm concerned and no one else should have to live with it.

But maybe he isn't mentally ill. Maybe he's just a nasty moody controlling git at times. We don't know. Either way, it doesn't sound like something anyone should endure living with.

What really worries me about your post is that you are obviously frightened of him. While I trod on eggshells to avoid rows and flare ups, you seem to think he might be capable of physical violence. I would not live with that fear for one second - and neither should you.

If you still want to be married to him:
I think that you do need to talk to him as suggested above and tell him very clearly that he DOES have a problem, his behaviour is not normal or acceptable and you have reached the end of the road with it and will not tolerate it any further. He goes to the doctor and sees them - it could be bipolar, it could be something else, it could just be a need for anger management treatment. But he does it. Or else you'll be out of there. You can find a way to do this that is both firm and loving - you want to help him, and you want your marriage to continue. Have someone else with you there if you feel the need. But if he flares up and reacts badly to this discussion, there's your cue that nothing is ever going to change...and can you live like this forever?

If you now think that you don't want to be married to him:
Just get yourself out of it. Protect yourself if you are frightened or threatened by him - don't be afraid to involve the police/womens refuge. Even if his behaviour has a root in a mental illness, that doesn't excuse it totally - if he is capable of controlling himself in other situations and with other people, he could with you, if he wanted to. This is not your fault. The practicalities of selling up the house blah blah blah - 1000s of people deal with this. It's a pain in the butt, but it gets done.

Loneliness? No, you won't be. At first, yes it'll be strange but you'll be amazed at how much support you find with your family and friends. They see more than you realise. I met up with a group of fairly distant acquaintances at one point, and they asked where my husband was. I told them we'd split up. There was a silence. Then one woman got up and walked over, shook my hand, and said 'congratulations!' and several of them - men as well as women - hugged me. Even though we hadn't known them all that well, they'd seen how things were in my marriage, and I'd had no idea it was all so obvious. Your family will probably be very relieved for you. Mine had been worried but not wanting to interfere (and I hadn't even been cut off from them).

Life goes on. And it's a lot better when you aren't scared and walking on eggshells.

I've had another dodgy long term relationship finish last year. Really depressed about it and the future and having to start all over AGAIN. But now I'm happier than ever, the future is bright, I'm in control of my own life, I've had loads of support from people, and I have a lovely lovely lovely new man who has been a real eye opener on how you SHOULD be treated in a relationship. With respect, kindness, and thoughtfulness. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have someone do something as simple as make you a cup of tea when you are tired getting in from work, or who cooks you a spag bol dinner, without you even having to ask. Who's easy going and laughs off all the silly little annoyances that are bound to crop up now and then. THIS is what a relationship is supposed to be like. I regret wasting so much time on men who didn't appreciate that.

You know the saying don't throw good money after bad? Don't throw good years after bad either, just because it's been a long marriage, doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be like this.

I've highlighted the bits of your post that I identify with, it's amazing how common these experiences are.

The bit in red - yes, I thought the same thing. Shocking as it sounds, I didn't realise that domestic abuse could be mental as well as physical. I didn't even KNOW that I was being abused. That's how manipulative my ex is.

As for people's reactions? My mum said that she was relieved!!!!! And he hadn't ever shown his true colours in front of her; she just had a bad feeling about him, maybe she sensed it from me.

My neighbours and friends were the same, just so relieved for me.

And now, I feel as if a HUGE weight has been lifted from me. I'm free. It's incredible. I would never ever go back to him, I'm determined to move on with my new life.

---

My advice is: get out. But prepare properly. Speak to Women's Aid and/or the police, they're amazing and will help you.

Get some money together.

Get your valuables out of the house - even if you have to bring them to work and lock them in a cabinet.

Decide whether to bring your daughter and her BF with you. Decide whether you can trust either of them enough to tell them of your plans and not spill to your OH.

Then do it.

If you don't want anyone there when you tell him (and I didn't either), then at least call the police and tell them that you're going to do it on X day at about X time. They can have your number on their system so that if you have to call 999 you don't even have to speak; they'll be on their way.

And tell a trusted friend if you can, and promise to call them afterwards, so that someone knows that you're ok.

I'm off to bed, will check back in the morning xxx

[Deleted User]

So it's all about HIS happiness , not YOURS??!!

This is not a healthy relationship , I hate to say it but he sounds manipulative , possessive and controlling ( and immature! )

So WHAT if he's 'in a mood' when the buyers come round - Don't let that stop you and don't let fear of being on your own stop you either!!!

It's not as bad as you think and the ''missing someone'' and feelings of loneliness although feelings of loss and sadness are WORTH it for the GAIN AND HAPPINESS you will get!!!

My own Mother is in a very unhappy ( similar to yours ) relationship ( having 'happy moments' is not the same as being happy in a relationship or having a good one ) it is like they cannot live without each other but they cannot live HAPPILY with each other either and it is actually a destructive thing like drugs or an addiction and she constantly has to fight to try and keep her self esteem intact which is nigh impossible with a moody man who blames and takes out his stuff on another person who he supposed to love but is not capable of healthy love unfortunately....

Many people ask my Mum when she complains ''why not leave him?'' which is a question she avoids , but I don't think she wants to admit that she does not want to be on her own , but what is she teaching US , her daughters about healthy relationships and self esteem etc???

I have had some tough relationships with guys who did not treat me right / as I deserved at all so I LEFT THEM .... Sometimes pretty much straight away , sometimes over time but I had no CHOICE but to walk away as they GAVE ME NO CHOICE as nothing would ever change and nor would they even if they 'promised' or 'tried' to ( they shouldn't have to 'try' even!!! ) they would not acknowledge they had a problem as to them of course I was the one with the problem! lol

( The only problem was my taste in men lol which thankfully I am LEARNING FROM and I don't want a guy who brings out the worst in me but the best in me or gets / drags me down when I could be happy without him and I hate feeling trapped in these sort of manipulative relationships anyway!! ) plus I would hate to be like my Mum and only stay because I was too scared to be on my own , people die miserable like that - And I wanna die HAPPY even if it's on my own , but am not on my own as I have my grown up children and Grandchildren all of whom love me very much and romantic love from the RIGHT guy who treats me right and who I feel secure with because I trust him / his character , well if that happens it is a bonus and if not I always have MYSELF and my life and my own personal achievements , the greatest of which is having a secure family enviroment for my children and even though learning from mistakes setting an example of what to ''put up with'' and what definitely NOT to put up with even if it means walking away with some feelings of love in your heart still and missing them and the companionship as it's just not worth it!! And it sounds like you have put up with WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much over the years! xx