Is my relationship worth saving?

ostrichnomore_2

Hi Weather gurl,

I spent 10 years in a marriage rather similar to yours, and yes, my ex husband has bi polar.

The whole walking on eggshells, moods, foul temper, verbal abuse, controlling behaviour etc; I was there. He too alienated many of our friends and even lost a couple of jobs due to his behaviour and becoming aggressive at work. Combined with the manic phase where he'd spend every penny we had on frippery and I'd have to race him to the bank on payday to get the money out first so that rent and bills would be paid. Again, all the spare time, money, resources, seemed to go to him, never me. He never supported me in what I wanted to do. He was selfish - and so is your husband. It was awful, but I also had the same feeling of 'I can't give up on my marriage' as I loved him and it didn't seem quite bad enough to leave.

One big difference was that I was never frightened of violence from him when he got aggressive/verbally abusive, so could stick up for myself and tell him his behaviour was out of order, and he'd listen to me and take himself off to calm down. He would literally froth at the mouth with rage at times (I'd always thought that was made up!) and while he could be intimidating and scary, after a while I got so fed up with it that I took a firmer line with him instead of treading on eggshells. It still didn't seem bad enough to leave the marriage, seems daft now, but at the time that's how I felt. This is awful to say, but I used to wish that just once he would completely lose it and whack me one, then I'd be justified in leaving him. So despite the fact that I stood up to him, years of this emotional abuse had won me down to that extent.

He too refused to go to the doctor, even though something was clearly very wrong and he could also see that.

We did eventually split up. He is now with someone else and good luck to her - he is now diagnosed and is under treatment so hopefully not so erratic but has had a few residential stints in hospital when he's been suicidal.

Do I feel guilty about anything? No. I tried. My only regret is not getting out sooner. Even a mental disorder doesn't mean your partner should resign themselves to a lifetime of controlling/abusive behaviour and a relationship that causes as much stress and trouble as good stuff. If you are mentally ill, and refuse to get help with it out of stupid pride, then it's self inflicted as far as I'm concerned and no one else should have to live with it.

But maybe he isn't mentally ill. Maybe he's just a nasty moody controlling git at times. We don't know. Either way, it doesn't sound like something anyone should endure living with.

What really worries me about your post is that you are obviously frightened of him. While I trod on eggshells to avoid rows and flare ups, you seem to think he might be capable of physical violence. I would not live with that fear for one second - and neither should you.

If you still want to be married to him:
I think that you do need to talk to him as suggested above and tell him very clearly that he DOES have a problem, his behaviour is not normal or acceptable and you have reached the end of the road with it and will not tolerate it any further. He goes to the doctor and sees them - it could be bipolar, it could be something else, it could just be a need for anger management treatment. But he does it. Or else you'll be out of there. You can find a way to do this that is both firm and loving - you want to help him, and you want your marriage to continue. Have someone else with you there if you feel the need. But if he flares up and reacts badly to this discussion, there's your cue that nothing is ever going to change...and can you live like this forever?

If you now think that you don't want to be married to him:
Just get yourself out of it. Protect yourself if you are frightened or threatened by him - don't be afraid to involve the police/womens refuge. Even if his behaviour has a root in a mental illness, that doesn't excuse it totally - if he is capable of controlling himself in other situations and with other people, he could with you, if he wanted to. This is not your fault. The practicalities of selling up the house blah blah blah - 1000s of people deal with this. It's a pain in the butt, but it gets done.

Loneliness? No, you won't be. At first, yes it'll be strange but you'll be amazed at how much support you find with your family and friends. They see more than you realise. I met up with a group of fairly distant acquaintances at one point, and they asked where my husband was. I told them we'd split up. There was a silence. Then one woman got up and walked over, shook my hand, and said 'congratulations!' and several of them - men as well as women - hugged me. Even though we hadn't known them all that well, they'd seen how things were in my marriage, and I'd had no idea it was all so obvious. Your family will probably be very relieved for you. Mine had been worried but not wanting to interfere (and I hadn't even been cut off from them).

Life goes on. And it's a lot better when you aren't scared and walking on eggshells.

I've had another dodgy long term relationship finish last year. Really depressed about it and the future and having to start all over AGAIN. But now I'm happier than ever, the future is bright, I'm in control of my own life, I've had loads of support from people, and I have a lovely lovely lovely new man who has been a real eye opener on how you SHOULD be treated in a relationship. With respect, kindness, and thoughtfulness. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have someone do something as simple as make you a cup of tea when you are tired getting in from work, or who cooks you a spag bol dinner, without you even having to ask. Who's easy going and laughs off all the silly little annoyances that are bound to crop up now and then. THIS is what a relationship is supposed to be like. I regret wasting so much time on men who didn't appreciate that.

You know the saying don't throw good money after bad? Don't throw good years after bad either, just because it's been a long marriage, doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be like this.

marisco_2

weathergurl wrote: »

Any advice on whether to keep fighting for this relationship and how to go about it seeing as I'm knackered! or am I flogging a dead horse?

Throughout your post what struck me is how often you spoke of your partner; his problems, his needs, his wants, his views. How you take him into account the whole time. There was no mention of 'we' or 'us' or any thought or consideration for yourself.

Your entire focus is on keeping your OH happy, whilst the life you share with him is quite literally bringing you to your knees. You state that you walk on eggshells around him, no doubt trying to stay one step ahead of him, to avoid saying or doing anything that will trigger one of his mood swings. He is playing mind games with you. No matter what you do he will find something to start an argument and set off another episode. Causing there to be an intimidating and stressful atmosphere in your home by sulking and refusing to talk to you. Then he will deflect his failings to control his temper and subsequent behaviour onto you and blame you for it happening. Absolving himself of all responsibility.

It is not by accident that these mood swings occur around social events. He is purposefully trying to isolate you and succeeding. To the degree that you are now discouraging family to visit you because you are worried about how he will conduct himself around them. You cant even look forward to holidays with him because he kicks off and says he wont go on them. I doubt you get to enjoy the exciting build up to going away somewhere nice, as you are fearful and doubtful about whether it will actually happen. So you have less and less in life to look forward to and enjoy.

You are working hard to contribute to the costs of running your home and meeting the expenses of your lifestyle. All the while he is reducing his hours in order to pursue his hobbies. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that. Did he discuss this with you or just take the decision to do this without taking into account how this would effect you and the families income?

It is very telling that every now and then he lets you see the side of him, that is the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Probably just enough to keep you believing that if you keep working hard at things he would revert back to how he once was and all would be okay. This is done in order to maintain a level of power and control. OP you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and things are not going to get any better no matter how many years you spend trying. Abuse always escalates.

It wont make for easy reading but I think you need to google 'narcissist' and 'gaslighting'

GlynD

gwynlas wrote: »

Please discuss this with go who could offer assessment with psychiatric team.

I disagree. All treatment should start with a visit to the GP.

CH27

He is deliberately trying to isolate you & you are letting him succeed.

Try to reconnect with your family & friends so that you have a support network in place.

weathergurl

Thank you ostrichnomore, you've put into words so many things I feel but can't seem to express. I've spent many years bottling it all up with no one to speak to and find it hard to speak about.

I think I'm too tired to fight for my relationship any more, I've given up. I don't want to give up but I don't want to do this any more either. I really can't see him changing with or without medical or psychiatic help. He's incredibly stubborn and will hold a grudge for years so my chance of persuading him to get help is zero. He'll do it if he wants to, but not because of me.

I know the practicalities of splitting up will be a pain in the bum, particularly if he makes life difficult and the fact that DD and her BF are still in the house, she must be so embarrassed of our situation.

He's not violent although he did push DD over once and she went to live with my mum for a while and has held me down during an argument. I think that's his last and only reserve, that he knows he can't cross that line because he could easily do some real damage. And he has managed to keep by that rule apart from those instances. Doesn't stop me being scared he will lose it though.

I'm entering into uncharted territory and who knows how he will react. So far he's been very nice about it all, giving me space etc. We're not talking but sort of being 'civil' if that makes sense.

I surprised people go on to have another relationship, I feel like I'd never want to be in a relationship again, that's why I'll be lonely, I wouldn't want to go through all this heartache again.

weathergurl

Thank you Marisco, I am actually crying at work now, but in a good way, with my eyes wide open.
You describe perfectly how it is, and how I've tried to avoid seeing it as it is.

Yes he does sometimes show me the man I love, and that man is a good man. The nature of this post thread means I;ve described all his faults but that's not all he is. He's incredibly talented and creative in a good mood (which also makes me think he's bi-polar), and so helpful to people.

but no matter what I do to try and keep the good man, the other one is always lurking in the background, ready flatten me down.

CH27

How much longer will your daughter be with you?
Maybe you could aim to move out around the same time?

Start getting together important documents & being aware of your money.
Can you squirrel some spare cash away?

ostrichnomore_2

Yep. We are not stupid people. No one would live with anyone who was like this all the time. So they aren't like it all the time...

It can be very manipulative on their part, I think. They know how far they can push you, and then out comes the good guy again. It also reminds me rather of the 'good cop/bad cop' routine. If they can be nice and their old selves some of the time, then they aren't so badly down in a mental illness that they literally can't control themselves, although I appreciate that illnesses can go in cycles. But that nice side is there, inside, watching the bad side doing what they do.

It's taken me two relationships to work out that I'll never endure this again. The problem is that a lot of men with problems can be very charming and charismatic when they try to be - it's all part of the control thing. And it can be hard not to hope that this time round, that nice side will be here to stay. But add up the time you have to live with that, and the time you have to live with the other side. It's not worth it.

On new relationships, yes, you will feel like that at first and it's a good thing. Rebounders rarely work out well. It's your way of protecting yourself. You need to sort yourself out first and one day, you'll feel ready again. Or if not, there's always cats :-) And all your friends and family you'll be able to have a normal relationship with again. Who cares? It's better than this for sure.

marisco_2

If you do decide to leave your OH please give considered thought to how you will break the news to him. Not so much in what you say but that you two are not alone. Confirmation from yourself that you wish to end your relationship could be enough to send him right over the edge. I hate to point this out but to someone like your other half who has an abusive personality, it would not be the loss of the relationship that would trouble him, more that you had seen through him and he had lost control of you. Emotionally he will most likely not know how to deal with that and it is not uncommon for victims of abuse to suffer physical violence at the point of leaving their partners.

You have disclosed here that you know he can be violent towards others. It is completely unacceptable that he has pushed your daughter over and held you down in an argument in the past. Those actions were done to show you that if you step out of line he could hurt you. Enough to scare you into wondering if he could lose it, probably influencing how you approach him and interact with him, but not enough for you to walk away. He is a loose cannon, unpredictable in his moods and reactions and this situation needs handling with caution.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wouldn't bother with that sort of existence.

A quarter of a century is a successful relationship, it's OK for it to have run its course.



And it's OK for you to run for the hills.