Is my relationship worth saving?

vanessav

You cannot carry on like this. Things have got to change and he needs to know that.
If you do decide to split from him, then the years have not been wasted - they are part of who you are and you have your daughter. Take heart from all the women who have left relationships (several here can help to guide you).
But if you think that all is not lost, then he needs to know that he cannot carry on forcing everyone to do things his way. You need to be able to make your own decisions without fear of his reactions.
All the best to you.

weathergurl

Mojisola wrote: »

Do you really think it's normal for partners to come home from work and spend every evening talking to each other? If you don't out away from each other and meet other people and do separate things, what on earth would you have to talk about?

He would describe it as love for me that he would want to spend quality time together every day. Yes it did feel like an indirect punishment, plus the washing up left, house in a mess etc waiting for me when I got in.

But never, ever once has he actually told me I can't see a friend, or buy something or do something, and he likes to remind me of that fact, he did the other day after his latest mood swing.

GlynD thank you for your advice but just getting him to go to the GP would be impossible.

I suppose I feel I might be abandoning someone who has a mental illness. But how do I know if it's a mental illness or controlling behaviour if he won't go to the GP? (I have mentioned it before in connection with another medical condition he has, but got a flat no, he won't go)

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

He would describe it as love for me that he would want to spend quality time together every day. Yes it did feel like an indirect punishment, plus the washing up left, house in a mess etc waiting for me when I got in.

But never, ever once has he actually told me I can't see a friend, or buy something or do something, and he likes to remind me of that fact, he did the other day after his latest mood swing.

Of course not because then you would something concrete to complain about. As things stand, if you said "You made me stop seeing my friends", he would say "When did I ever say that? You see, it's all in your head. You're the one with the problem".

You go with him to "help out with his hobby". If you said you'd rather stay at home, would he cancel his outing and stay home with you or go off and enjoy himself? If he did stay home, would he spend all the time making you feel guilty for spoiling his plans?

GlynD

weathergurl wrote: »

He would describe it as love for me that he would want to spend quality time together every day. Yes it did feel like an indirect punishment, plus the washing up left, house in a mess etc waiting for me when I got in.

But never, ever once has he actually told me I can't see a friend, or buy something or do something, and he likes to remind me of that fact, he did the other day after his latest mood swing.

GlynD thank you for your advice but just getting him to go to the GP would be impossible.



I suppose I feel I might be abandoning someone who has a mental illness. But how do I know if it's a mental illness or controlling behaviour if he won't go to the GP? (I have mentioned it before in connection with another medical condition he has, but got a flat no, he won't go)

As others have pointed out: this is not a healthy relationship you're in as things stand. I'm sure you're only scratching the surface with the things you've posted here. You must gently guide him to his GP if you want to save the relationship. Other than that you have to get the hell out of it. You can try giving him an ultimatum if you think that will help but my best advice would be to avoid that because you'll stir up his demons. Gently persuade him to see his doctor.

weathergurl

Mojisola wrote: »

You go with him to "help out with his hobby". If you said you'd rather stay at home, would he cancel his outing and stay home with you or go off and enjoy himself? If he did stay home, would he spend all the time making you feel guilty for spoiling his plans?

I'd love it if he'd go do his hobby on his own, I'm exhausted working all week and spending weekends working again as his assistant. The day is looong when we go, leave at 10am and get back after midnight usually. Then means I'm struggling to play catchup with the housework.
He says he needs my help and suppose he does, it's a way of him earning more money. He does give me £50 for helping him out so I do benefit in that way. He could go without me but it would be more difficult for him and he'd see it as not supporting what he does.

ANGELINA

Hi i have just been reading your story and to be honest it sounded exactly like me, so I know where you are coming from.

Its takes courage to leave him but he doesn't deserve you, have you been to Relate and tried to get Counselling. They are great.

Hope you leave him and have a happy life. As men like that don't change they will always drag you down.

I am taking step by step to leave my man as he wears me down the exact same way yours does.

Just to let you know you are not alone.

Get a life and be happy all the best

weathergurl

GlynD wrote: »

As others have pointed out: this is not a healthy relationship you're in as things stand. I'm sure you're only scratching the surface with the things you've posted here. You must gently guide him to his GP if you want to save the relationship. Other than that you have to get the hell out of it. You can try giving him an ultimatum if you think that will help but my best advice would be to avoid that because you'll stir up his demons. Gently persuade him to see his doctor.

I can suggest to him he sees the GP and hope he sees the seriousness of our situation. There's no way I could gently persuade him to do anything if he didn't want to do it. He'd see that as nagging him and is a sure fire way to set off a mood, I've learnt to avoid that! That's how he gets away with the 'I do things when I'm ready'.

weathergurl

ANGELINA wrote: »

Hi i have just been reading your story and to be honest it sounded exactly like me, so I know where you are coming from.

Its takes courage to leave him but he doesn't deserve you, have you been to Relate and tried to get Counselling. They are great.

Hope you leave him and have a happy life. As men like that don't change they will always drag you down.

I am taking step by step to leave my man as he wears me down the exact same way yours does.

Just to let you know you are not alone.

Get a life and be happy all the best

Thank you. I felt like I was the only one living this life and it seems there's quite a few of us sadly.

gwynlas

Please discuss this with go who could offer assessment with psychiatric team.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

I'd love it if he'd go do his hobby on his own, I'm exhausted working all week and spending weekends working again as his assistant. The day is looong when we go, leave at 10am and get back after midnight usually. Then means I'm struggling to play catchup with the housework.

He says he needs my help and suppose he does, it's a way of him earning more money. He does give me £50 for helping him out so I do benefit in that way. He could go without me but it would be more difficult for him and he'd see it as not supporting what he does.

How much does he support you doing things you like to do?

The more you write, the worse all this sounds. God knows how you've put up with 25 years of this man!