Is my relationship worth saving?

Eliza_2

Imagine you're one of us reading through your post - try and see it as though it was written by a complete stranger - what sort of advice would you offer her?

He sounds like a selfish childish git to me, who stamps his feet and gets into a temper tantrum or a mood when life and the people who surround him don't go exactly as he wants.

I left my husband 2 weeks short of our 25th wedding anniversary, just as all the silver gifts were arriving! Best thing I ever did, I didn't feel a failure at all, but a total success. He's still moody and even more selfish now, 10 years on, but at least I don't have to put up with it any more - and I so know what you mean about walking on eggshells, I was exhausted trying to predict his reactions to everything that happened and trying to veer situations off his course (just as you do with a toddler) - at last I have my life back!!

I really wish you all the best, it's a really common story and I'm sure you won't find yourself alone in this.

Liz

weathergurl

Yes he's always been like this. I suppose I'm feeling it more now as DD is older and making her own life (despite living at home). I was so busy working full-time, running the house and looking after her that I didn't have much time to mourn the loss of friends.

When ever I did visit friends after work I would get home and he'd say he'd want to spend time with me and I'd have to stay up till 1am talking to him so we'd spent time together everyday, despite me having to get up for work. It got too tiring so I stopped seeing friends after work. He would not be happy if I was at work all day, saw friends after and then came home and went to bed. I suppose he's right that's not good, although it was only ever once a month or something.

BitterAndTwisted

weathergurl wrote: »

He acknowledges he has mood swings and deep down I think he knows they're out of all proportion to the situation. But depending on what mood he's in, he can convince himself (and me) that they're caused by something I've done, DD's done, a friend has done etc.

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

I do find it v difficult to talk to him as I'm so used to trying not to rock the boat. He's physically enormous and does martial arts. He's v intimidating and although he's not violent to me, I know he can be violent when he loses it with others.

Has he been taking steriods?

Gigglepig

weathergurl wrote: »

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

I do find it v difficult to talk to him as I'm so used to trying not to rock the boat.

I think it is time to come clean and to let him know you are not happy in your marriage and finding it difficult to communicate. Schedule a couple's therapy session, if he doesn't go it is his choice but at least you have tried.

Also - you say he is physically huge and has mood swings and can be aggressive against others - long shot but any chance he may be taking steroids?

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

When ever I did visit friends after work I would get home and he'd say he'd want to spend time with me and I'd have to stay up till 1am talking to him so we'd spent time together everyday, despite me having to get up for work. It got too tiring so I stopped seeing friends after work.

In a normal relationship, you wouldn't have to stay up.

This isn't an loving relationship - it's one person being controlled by another.

are_u_me

I have a new user name to reply to you as I don't want to be "recognised". I think you and I are the same person except I was married and had 3 kids. I could have written the exact same things about my Ex husband. I with the help of Womens Aid I finally realised I was being emotionally abused and left the relationship after 27 years. Domestic abuse does not have to include physical violence. Google Womens Aid and read everything on the website. If you think I am right phone them and go a see someone locally to you for help.

weathergurl

Yes seeing it all written down does sound awful.



I suppose I'm scared of broaching the subject of us breaking up, how the hell will he react to that bombshell? Although he must realise that things are different after the recent mood swing as I didn't go along with it when he felt better.

I'm worried about the practicalities of splitting up. How to go about selling the house, because it would all be left to me, the buying of it was. Can you imagine me trying to show a buyer round if he's in a mood?!

And I know I'll be incredibly lonely. And then I'll think of the happy times we've had together and things we've done together and wonder if I've thrown it away without fighting hard enough, being good enough, helping him enough.

are_u_me

weathergurl wrote: »

Yes seeing it all written down does sound awful.



I suppose I'm scared of broaching the subject of us breaking up, how the hell will he react to that bombshell? Although he must realise that things are different after the recent mood swing as I didn't go along with it when he felt better.

I'm worried about the practicalities of splitting up. How to go about selling the house, because it would all be left to me, the buying of it was. Can you imagine me trying to show a buyer round if he's in a mood?!

And I know I'll be incredibly lonely. And then I'll think of the happy times we've had together and things we've done together and wonder if I've thrown it away without fighting hard enough, being good enough, helping him enough.

Read my message above.

weathergurl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Has he been taking steriods?

Gigglepig wrote: »

I think it is time to come clean and to let him know you are not happy in your marriage and finding it difficult to communicate. Schedule a couple's therapy session, if he doesn't go it is his choice but at least you have tried.

Also - you say he is physically huge and has mood swings and can be aggressive against others - long shot but any chance he may be taking steroids?

No I know he's not on steroids, he's v opposed to them and doesn't drink or smoke either. He's OK if I have a glass of wine at the weekend but would not be happy if I got drunk.

are_u_me

He is controlling you to the extent you can't have a drink if you want. You are an adult.