Is my relationship worth saving?

BitterAndTwisted

How about "I'm fed up of years of walking on eggshells, mood swings, temper-tantrums and implied threats. If you can't see that you need help to deal with these things then I don't have the will or energy to tolerate them any more."

weathergurl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Has he been taking steriods?

are_u_me wrote: »

I have a new user name to reply to you as I don't want to be "recognised". I think you and I are the same person except I was married and had 3 kids. I could have written the exact same things about my Ex husband. I with the help of Womens Aid I finally realised I was being emotionally abused and left the relationship after 27 years. Domestic abuse does not have to include physical violence. Google Womens Aid and read everything on the website. If you think I am right phone them and go a see someone locally to you for help.

Thank you, I think people look up to us as we've been together so long, since being so young it's almost expected that we're going to be together for ever.
I'm so glad you found a life after your marriage. It's since reading previous posts on here that I began to think things weren't right, despite him not being violent to me. I'm like a doormat

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

And I know I'll be incredibly lonely.

There may be a few occasions when you feel lonely but most of the time you'll feel incredible.

You'll go out when you want to meet up with family and friends. You'll go home when you want and go to bed when you want.

You'll plan to do something and then change your mind and no-one will have a go at you when you get home at a different time.

You'll eat what you like at times that suit you.

Simple things that say you're free!

You'll look back and wonder why you let yourself be manipulated.

Set your sights on uni and enjoy the rest of your life.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

In a normal relationship, you wouldn't have to stay up.

This isn't an loving relationship - it's one person being controlled by another.

I do agree, that added to the walking on eggshells around him points to a lonely and stressful home life, it wouldnt be something i could bear for long.

Eliza_2

My other half went ballistic! I'd predicted that one too. He went very quiet for a while, then threw things, yelled, ripped paper from the walls and so on. Very predictable indeed. (Nearly stamped his feet and said 'I'll cwy and cwy and cwy and cwy'!!!)

However I had prepared, I had gone out and found a rented place beforehand, and after telling him (and my daughter, then at university but still at home) I just drove away to my new place. Hard on her but she had her own life, a long term boyfriend and soon got used to the idea. She chose the decoration and furniture for 'her room' in my house but in fact soon moved in with her boyfriend.

My ex lived in the house for a couple of years, then we decided to sell it. We got a rubbish price for it but I couldn't be bothered to argue, so it was sorted quickly. He was able to buy a little house from the proceeds. I had too many debts from the marriage as he had also been very mean so I had paid out for the children's hobbies, school trips, new furniture etc. I've stayed in rented ever since and am fine, it's great to be free!

Don't allow yourself to be walked all over, get some plans together and put them into place. Those happy times will still be great memories and no-one can take those away, it's time to make some more happy memories now!!!

weathergurl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

How about "I'm fed up of years of walking on eggshells, mood swings, temper-tantrums and implied threats. If you can't see that you need help to deal with these things then I don't have the will or energy to tolerate them any more."

Oh wow not sure I'd dare phrase it like that :eek:

If I do decide to leave I'll need to tread carefully in order to do it with the minimum of fuss.

That's what I mean by how the heck would I go about splitting up? I can't afford to leave and pay rent when I'm paying the bills and mortgage, so I'd have to share a house with him until it's sold. He could make life unbearable, he won't be happy because how would he cope financially without me pay for most things. (we're not married but the house is in both names). Good grief I can't believe I've just written about splitting up..I feel so disloyal!

weathergurl

Eliza wrote: »

My other half went ballistic! I'd predicted that one too. He went very quiet for a while, then threw things, yelled, ripped paper from the walls and so on. Very predictable indeed. (Nearly stamped his feet and said 'I'll cwy and cwy and cwy and cwy'!!!)

However I had prepared, I had gone out and found a rented place beforehand, and after telling him (and my daughter, then at university but still at home) I just drove away to my new place. Hard on her but she had her own life, a long term boyfriend and soon got used to the idea. She chose the decoration and furniture for 'her room' in my house but in fact soon moved in with her boyfriend.

My ex lived in the house for a couple of years, then we decided to sell it. We got a rubbish price for it but I couldn't be bothered to argue, so it was sorted quickly. He was able to buy a little house from the proceeds. I had too many debts from the marriage as he had also been very mean so I had paid out for the children's hobbies, school trips, new furniture etc. I've stayed in rented ever since and am fine, it's great to be free!

Don't allow yourself to be walked all over, get some plans together and put them into place. Those happy times will still be great memories and no-one can take those away, it's time to make some more happy memories now!!!

Oh wow I shouldn't have read this at work, I'm trying not to cry. Thank you so much for saying this and for everyone's kind words and wake up calls too.
I know that if I don't make a stand I will just get older and weaker doing this over and over.

GlynD

It's always very difficult for a man to accept that he has a personality trait which shows his unpleasant side. The road to acceptable behaviour is long and could even mean medication. I'm speaking from experience here as I have a trauma related mental issue.

The first step is, and always is, for him to see his GP. He must discuss what is happening and ask for a referral to a psychologist. By doing so he will get a diagnosis of what the underlying issue is which could be as simple as anger management but could also show there is a more serious issue such as PTSD or Bipolar.

He can learn to control himself but it may require what the doctors call "chemical intervention" (medication), a knowledge of what is affecting him and guidance on how to combat it. That guidance may also include you being made aware of what "triggers" him. (another buzzword).

Men and women both suffer these terrible conditions so he's not alone in it. The big thing he has to do is face up to it and seek guidance and treatment. I've been doing so since 2004 and I'm like a different person these days, but still unwell.

PM me if you want more pointers.

Eliza_2

weathergurl wrote: »

Oh wow not sure I'd dare phrase it like that :eek:

I can't afford to leave and pay rent when I'm paying the bills and mortgage, so I'd have to share a house with him until it's sold. He could make life unbearable, he won't be happy because how would he cope financially without me pay for most things. (we're not married but the house is in both names). Good grief I can't believe I've just written about splitting up..I feel so disloyal!

You don't have to pay bills if you're not living there, you won't be using electricity etc. And he can jolly well go out and get a job like you, me and most people with responsibilities. Don't act like his mother, encourage him to be a grown up at last and take responsibility.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

When ever I did visit friends after work I would get home and he'd say he'd want to spend time with me and I'd have to stay up till 1am talking to him so we'd spent time together everyday, despite me having to get up for work. It got too tiring so I stopped seeing friends after work.


The other thing that strikes me about this is that he was punishing you for going out and meeting your friends.

He would not be happy if I was at work all day, saw friends after and then came home and went to bed. I suppose he's right that's not good, although it was only ever once a month or something.

Do you really think it's normal for partners to come home from work and spend every evening talking to each other? If you don't out away from each other and meet other people and do separate things, what on earth would you have to talk about?