Is my relationship worth saving?

[Deleted User]

There is always a way out ..... Usually called walking away! lol

But do what is best for YOU darling but please don't continue to make excuses for him , he must be rubbing his hands together knowing you will always? defend his behaviour!

Let someone else put up with his b*llshit!!... I don't even feel jealous when I think about my ex/s moving on and being with someone else - Am just SO VERY glad it's not ME - I pity the poor woman who stays and puts up with it , especially if it's for LIFE!!! :-( :-( :-(

They were making ME ill ... And I wanna be HEALTHY and free to be myself and follow my own dreams and be HAPPY :-) :-) :-)

Maybe listen to these lyrics ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9cWHLdQARQ ... My anthem! LOL

dude0nvacation

I'd like to know a few things first before giving out any advice:

1. When did the "mood swings" started - is there a particular occasion that may have triggered this?

2. Somehow can you manipulate him? Like other women out there who can manipulate their husbands/bf's into doing stuff for them?

3. Can you imagine your life without him?

4. What was your relationship like before when these "mood swings" took place?

5. Do you feel that everything is limited when you are with him even at home?

6. Have you heard about male menopause? I am hoping that this may be the reason for his mood swings...

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

He acknowledges he has mood swings and deep down I think he knows they're out of all proportion to the situation. But depending on what mood he's in, he can convince himself (and me) that they're caused by something I've done, DD's done, a friend has done etc.

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

weathergurl wrote: »

Yes he's always been like this.

dude0nvacation - the moods aren't a new thing.

weathergurl

cazzap06 wrote: »

There is always a way out ..... Usually called walking away! lol

But do what is best for YOU darling but please don't continue to make excuses for him , he must be rubbing his hands together knowing you will always? defend his behaviour!

Let someone else put up with his b*llshit!!... I don't even feel jealous when I think about my ex/s moving on and being with someone else - Am just SO VERY glad it's not ME - I pity the poor woman who stays and puts up with it , especially if it's for LIFE!!! :-( :-( :-(

They were making ME ill ... And I wanna be HEALTHY and free to be myself and follow my own dreams and be HAPPY :-) :-) :-)

Thank you, I almost wish he'd had an affair with someone then the decision would be taken out of my hands and we'd have to split up.

dude0nvacation wrote: »

I'd like to know a few things first before giving out any advice:

1. When did the "mood swings" started - is there a particular occasion that may have triggered this?

2. Somehow can you manipulate him? Like other women out there who can manipulate their husbands/bf's into doing stuff for them?

3. Can you imagine your life without him?

4. What was your relationship like before when these "mood swings" took place?

5. Do you feel that everything is limited when you are with him even at home?

6. Have you heard about male menopause? I am hoping that this may be the reason for his mood swings...

He's pretty much always been like this, gradually getting worse over the years.
There's no way I could manipulate him, I wouldn't even know how? My whole life revolves around keeping him on an even keel so yes it's very limiting.

weathergurl

Mojisola wrote: »

Please get all paperwork and anything precious out of the house first. If he turns nasty, you won't want to hang around.

Your local police station should have a domestic violence team. It would be worth having a talk with one of them and tell them that you are frightened of what will happen when you tell him you are leaving and take their advice. The thing to remember is that this is something that has happened many times before - anyone working in domestic abuse teams will be very familiar with the problems.

If you can't face the police, talk to Women's Aid -

Thank you, last night I got all the paperwork I could find - bank book, check book, my credit card, passport and have taken them to to work with me and will lock them in my desk.
I'm not sure what to say to women's aid and where to start, or what I'm even asking?

tayforth wrote: »

weathergurl, you are in an abusive relationship. Your OH has been physically violent towards you and your daughter. To say nothing of the verbal and emotional abuse to which he has subjected you over the years. No wonder you're exhausted.

Never mind getting him to go to the doctor. You need to start taking care of YOU. As marisco says, you seem to be putting yourself last, and that needs to change. You deserve better than this.

I struggled to take it in when the posters on here and the lovely Samaritans lady told me that I was being abused. These links (and others) helped me to realise that it was true, and I would ask to read them and see if you recognise anything.

Like you, I read some of these in work, they left me in floods of tears - they could have been written about me.

Thank you Tayforth, yours was one of the threads I read earlier this week when I was at the end of my tether with it all, and it really made me start questioning if how I was living was right, and what to do about it.

My gut reaction when people explain it's abusive is immediately to defend him and show how he's so lovely sometimes, but I'm trying to step back and look at it as a stranger would, and I'm not liking what I see. I think I've got used to making excuses for our relationship to people, so that on the outside we look like a great couple. But I think those that know me well know it's not right

Scorpio33

If he has always been like this, then you either accept how he is (which you can't as you are clearly unhappy), or you leave. You can't change how he is, so I would say the relationship is not worth saving.

Scorpio33

and just to add - earlier on in life I ended an 8 year relationship. I know that is not as long as 25 years, but you shouldn't stay together just because of memories - you need to think about the hear and now and your future.

weathergurl

So last night when I got home he'd repaired the drive with concrete, a job that's needed doing for about 4 years, why now?

I said thanks, but then didn't speak to him and pottered about in the bedroom getting paperwork together. So I've got most of that in my desk drawer at work now.

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm
"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

I was a bit scared at that point and am keeping my keys and phone with me at all times, and I locked the bedroom door. Still didn't sleep much though. Not sure if he meant that as an 'I love you and don't want to split up' message or what. I didn't reply which has probably angered or upset him but I didn't know what to say?

rockie4

I too could have written your original post

I've made my plans and am moving out next week after 25 years of similar behaviour from OH. He was diagnosed as bipolar about 10 years ago, the only difference is that now I/we know how to recognise when his mood is going up/down

Although he knows I'm going I'm still worried about how he will react, after 25 years of being controlled by his moods I know I will find it hard to make the emotional disconnection but I have to do this for my own sanity and I think you need to do the same.

I know it won't be easy, the house hasn't sold but I can't let this flat go. I can't afford to furnish so I will be minimalist! I'm not worried about being lonely, I like my own company and I plan to do lots of (cheap) things to fill my time :money:

I can echo what Ostrichnomore said about peoples reaction, I have only had one negative comment from friends/relatives about me leaving and that was from a friend whose OH (IMO) is nearly as bad, she said I should just put up with it rather than be lonely :mad:Everyone else has been really supportive particularly my daughter

You have to put yourself first now, your daughter will be gone soon so please, please don't leave it any longer and get out now while you can.

Have a look at Tayforth's thread - it really is an inspiration

weathergurl

Scorpio33 wrote: »

and just to add - earlier on in life I ended an 8 year relationship. I know that is not as long as 25 years, but you shouldn't stay together just because of memories - you need to think about the hear and now and your future.

Thanks, and glad you moved on from a relationship that wasn't working. The memories are holding me back I suppose but I'm trying to keep Eliza's comment in my head

Eliza wrote: »

Those happy times will still be great memories and no-one can take those away, it's time to make some more happy memories now!!!