Is my relationship worth saving?

weathergurl

rockie4 wrote: »

I too could have written your original post

I've made my plans and am moving out next week after 25 years of similar behaviour from OH. He was diagnosed as bipolar about 10 years ago, the only difference is that now I/we know how to recognise when his mood is going up/down

Although he knows I'm going I'm still worried about how he will react, after 25 years of being controlled by his moods I know I will find it hard to make the emotional disconnection but I have to do this for my own sanity and I think you need to do the same.

I know it won't be easy, the house hasn't sold but I can't let this flat go. I can't afford to furnish so I will be minimalist! I'm not worried about being lonely, I like my own company and I plan to do lots of (cheap) things to fill my time :money:

I can echo what Ostrichnomore said about peoples reaction, I have only had one negative comment from friends/relatives about me leaving and that was from a friend whose OH (IMO) is nearly as bad, she said I should just put up with it rather than be lonely :mad:Everyone else has been really supportive particularly my daughter

You have to put yourself first now, your daughter will be gone soon so please, please don't leave it any longer and get out now while you can.

Have a look at Tayforth's thread - it really is an inspiration

Thank you and well done at having the guts to move on after such a long time, you and all the others who've managed it are an inspiration to me. It was reading Tayforth's thread earlier this week and prompted me to post and ask for help.

I am worried about leaving the daughter and BF behind, he can be so volatile and this is uncharted territory so God knows how he will react. He'll either go completely ballistic or retreat into his shell and sleep all the time. I've spent a lot of my time being the mediator between the 2 of them and deflecting his moods away from her. I need to speak to her and explain that I'm making plans to go and she can come with me.

I need to start thinking about the practicalities of leaving and going to try and put a list together today of what I need to do and find somewhere to go.

msb5262

Well done OP - it sounds as if you are making some very good progress with this. I am full of admiration for you; please don't let anything deflect you from your path now, especially not texts which sound like massive emotional blackmail/veiled threats.

Keep us posted please

MsB x

RAS

rockie4 wrote: »

I know it won't be easy, the house hasn't sold but I can't let this flat go. I can't afford to furnish so I will be minimalist! I'm not worried about being lonely, I like my own company and I plan to do lots of (cheap) things to fill my time

Hi

check out the local www.freegle.co.uk or freecycle web-site as you may well find quite a lot to help you.

Also be prepared to skip-dive or ask when you see one outside a house (before they have broken up a whole dining set to fit it in!)

Frith

If you can't think what to say to Women's Aid, you can send them an email instead.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm not sure what to say to women's aid and where to start, or what I'm even asking?

Just say - "I need help to get out of my relationship. I'm walking on eggshells all the time at home and can't cope any longer". They will be familiar with the picture and will take it from there.

weathergurl wrote: »

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm
"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

I was a bit scared at that point and am keeping my keys and phone with me at all times, and I locked the bedroom door. Still didn't sleep much though. Not sure if he meant that as an 'I love you and don't want to split up' message or what. I didn't reply which has probably angered or upset him but I didn't know what to say?

I think that's a rather chilling message. Please tell Women's Aid about it - men who have controlled their woman for years can react very badly when it looks as if they are losing control.

He won't be the first to think that if he can't have you, no-one else will either. Be very careful of your safety.

balletshoes

weathergurl wrote: »

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm

"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

I'd see that as creepy and overbearing.

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you, last night I got all the paperwork I could find - bank book, check book, my credit card, passport and have taken them to to work with me and will lock them in my desk.
I'm not sure what to say to women's aid and where to start, or what I'm even asking?



Thank you Tayforth, yours was one of the threads I read earlier this week when I was at the end of my tether with it all, and it really made me start questioning if how I was living was right, and what to do about it.

My gut reaction when people explain it's abusive is immediately to defend him and show how he's so lovely sometimes, but I'm trying to step back and look at it as a stranger would, and I'm not liking what I see. I think I've got used to making excuses for our relationship to people, so that on the outside we look like a great couple. But I think those that know me well know it's not right

I used to make excuses for my ex's behaviour as well. Not that he showed his true colours in front of most people. He was clever like that.

Well done on getting your important documents out of the house. That's good going.


You're doing incredibly well so far, you seem clear-headed and mature. It's lovely that you're finally taking care of yourself and taking action to create a new, happier life.


I'm glad that my thread was helpful to you. The advice and support on it has been so wonderful, I couldn't have come this far without it.

weathergurl wrote: »

So last night when I got home he'd repaired the drive with concrete, a job that's needed doing for about 4 years, why now?

I said thanks, but then didn't speak to him and pottered about in the bedroom getting paperwork together. So I've got most of that in my desk drawer at work now.

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm
"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

I was a bit scared at that point and am keeping my keys and phone with me at all times, and I locked the bedroom door. Still didn't sleep much though. Not sure if he meant that as an 'I love you and don't want to split up' message or what. I didn't reply which has probably angered or upset him but I didn't know what to say?

Well, at least the repaired drive will boost the value of the house! So that's something.


My ex sent me similar emails and a letter just before I ended it, he probably sensed (as your OH does) that he was losing control over me and was trying a bit of last-gasp manipulation. It didn't work. Guess what - we don't actually belong together!!!


If you don't feel safe, is there anywhere you could go at short notice if needs be?

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you and well done at having the guts to move on after such a long time, you and all the others who've managed it are an inspiration to me. It was reading Tayforth's thread earlier this week and prompted me to post and ask for help.

I am worried about leaving the daughter and BF behind, he can be so volatile and this is uncharted territory so God knows how he will react. He'll either go completely ballistic or retreat into his shell and sleep all the time. I've spent a lot of my time being the mediator between the 2 of them and deflecting his moods away from her. I need to speak to her and explain that I'm making plans to go and she can come with me.

I need to start thinking about the practicalities of leaving and going to try and put a list together today of what I need to do and find somewhere to go.

Good for you. How is the list coming along? There is so much advice online about this, in case you miss out anything.

Mojisola wrote: »

Just say - "I need help to get out of my relationship. I'm walking on eggshells all the time at home and can't cope any longer". They will be familiar with the picture and will take it from there.



I think that's a rather chilling message. Please tell Women's Aid about it - men who have controlled their woman for years can react very badly when it looks as if they are losing control.

He won't be the first to think that if he can't have you, no-one else will either. Be very careful of your safety.

I agree that Women's Aid would be an enormous help to you in terms of making plans to leave, and also keeping yourself safe. Not meaning to scare you, but statistically women are at most risk of being harmed by a partner when they're at the point of leaving them.

If you take your daughter into your confidence, can you tell her BF as well? Would he be able to be there when you tell your OH that you're leaving? Since he lives in the house, he the obvious choice IMHO. Plus he already knows what your OH is like, and will probably be relieved and only too glad to support you.

rockie4 wrote: »

I too could have written your original post

I've made my plans and am moving out next week after 25 years of similar behaviour from OH. He was diagnosed as bipolar about 10 years ago, the only difference is that now I/we know how to recognise when his mood is going up/down

Although he knows I'm going I'm still worried about how he will react, after 25 years of being controlled by his moods I know I will find it hard to make the emotional disconnection but I have to do this for my own sanity and I think you need to do the same.

I know it won't be easy, the house hasn't sold but I can't let this flat go. I can't afford to furnish so I will be minimalist! I'm not worried about being lonely, I like my own company and I plan to do lots of (cheap) things to fill my time :money:

I can echo what Ostrichnomore said about peoples reaction, I have only had one negative comment from friends/relatives about me leaving and that was from a friend whose OH (IMO) is nearly as bad, she said I should just put up with it rather than be lonely :mad:Everyone else has been really supportive particularly my daughter

You have to put yourself first now, your daughter will be gone soon so please, please don't leave it any longer and get out now while you can.

Have a look at Tayforth's thread - it really is an inspiration

Well done rockie4, you are doing amazingly well! Can you bump your thread up to the top of the board so that weathergurl can read it? It's really inspiring.


Can't wait to hear about the move!


I had one friend who was lukewarm about me dumping my ex, and tbh I think it's because she's also in an unhappy relationship and afraid to leave. She seemed to resent or envy me for having the guts to leave! I took no notice of her at all. She hasn't contacted me since, not much of a friend eh. I don't need people like that around me and neither do you xxx

tiger_eyes

weathergurl wrote: »

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm
"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

There are few alarm bells for abusive, controlling behaviour that scream louder than the words, "No one will ever love you like I do."

CH27

weathergurl wrote: »

So last night when I got home he'd repaired the drive with concrete, a job that's needed doing for about 4 years, why now?

I said thanks, but then didn't speak to him and pottered about in the bedroom getting paperwork together. So I've got most of that in my desk drawer at work now.

He then sent me this text at 10.30pm
"No one can and will never be able to love and understand you in the way I do, All the money in the world will never make you happy unless we're sharing it together. We'll always belong together and you'll always be mine"

I was a bit scared at that point and am keeping my keys and phone with me at all times, and I locked the bedroom door. Still didn't sleep much though. Not sure if he meant that as an 'I love you and don't want to split up' message or what. I didn't reply which has probably angered or upset him but I didn't know what to say?

You need to get away from him ASAP.