Is my relationship worth saving?

Stephb1986_2

It's not living it's existing.

Steph x

marisco_2

I have just been catching up on your thread OP. I am sorry to hear that you didn't sleep well last night, though I think that was the objective behind your OH sending you such a chilling text late at night. If you are tired, then you struggle to think straight and make rational decisions. It is all part of him trying to wear you down and manipulate you into a confused state of mind. By doing that his logic reasons that you wont see what is truly going on and question his behaviour or the motives behind his actions.

Taking into account the awful treatment you are subjected to by your OH on a regular basis, something he will be fully aware that he is inflicting, his comments are completely dismissive of how you may be feeling and arrogant. He is telling you subconsciously that he is the best you can expect for yourself and that the only way you can be happy in life is if you share it with him. The last sentence is particularly disturbing, basically it comes down to the fact that he thinks you should never part and that you should submit to tolerating the life that you currently have as you are his.

I hope that you manage to contact Women's Aid. They are very experienced in offering people advice and guidance on how to leave destructive and difficult situations safely. Take care and remember we are all here to offer help and support when you need it

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

He is telling you subconsciously that he is the best you can expect for yourself and that the only way you can be happy in life is if you share it with him. The last sentence is particularly disturbing, basically it comes down to the fact that he thinks you should never part and that you should submit to tolerating the life that you currently have as you are his.

This is exactly what he is saying. And what a disturbing, despicable thing to say.


OP - you are worth so much more than this. You don't have to settle for such treatment. Far from being 'the best you can do', he is the worst. And the path to happiness begins with realising all of the above and telling yourself that you will not just survive, but thrive, without him.


See marisco's sig also.

justme111

Yeah that text is classic. I am sure sure that guy that had a woman as a prisoner for 18 years in his cellar loved her to certain degree as well , may be even.lived her a lot , its just that his head was nit in a got place. Grotesque exageration of course but a good illustration nevertheless. I think that's why so difficult to get out of it as well - cause they are convinced they are the best thing that could happen to a woman indeed and power of conviction is strong , specially when.it is a conviction of someone we have emotional bond with.

moneysaymoneydo

I am always amazed at how they manage to make you think you need to be grateful to be with them, but more importantly I cant believe you have put up with this behaviour for 25 years, this is unacceptable mood swings, moodiness please see a life beyond this no human being deserves to put up with this behaviour, watching paint dry on your own must be better than this never knowing what his mood will be.

And you will never get better than him - fine you most likely at this moment in time would much rather have nothing!, except your sanity of course!

warehouse

Just out of interest, what is this hobby that he makes you help with?

tayforth

How are you doing, weathergurl? xxx

coolcait

weathergurl wrote: »

.... He did have a row with DD caused by a mood swing a few months back and she ended up in tears, ... I was at work, when I'm around I would have tried to deflect that argument. I'm a bit better at spotting the 'signs' than she is.
.

weathergurl wrote: »

Thanks, I just wanted an outsider's input as I don't know if this is normal life? ...is his behaviour odd?

weathergurl wrote: »

He acknowledges he has mood swings and deep down I think he knows they're out of all proportion to the situation. But depending on what mood he's in, he can convince himself (and me) that they're caused by something I've done, DD's done, a friend has done etc.

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

I do find it v difficult to talk to him as I'm so used to trying not to rock the boat. He's physically enormous and does martial arts. He's v intimidating and although he's not violent to me, I know he can be violent when he loses it with others.

You started this thread by saying: "I'm a long time MSE'er since 2005"

Presumably, then, you are not a regular on this board. If you were, you would have seen many threads about abusive relationships.

In those threads, you would have seen that the behaviours you've described in your first few posts are often described as 'abusive'. For good reason.

You would also know the answers to your questions about what is normal life, and about his behaviour.

If you are a regular on this board, and have read all of those threads, maybe it's time to take a step back, and look at your relationship from that perspective.

Dunroamin

I've skipped most of this thread but I'd expect £300 "housekeeping" from your daughter, not from the man you call a partner.

weathergurl

warehouse wrote: »

Just out of interest, what is this hobby that he makes you help with?

Helping at boxing events.

coolcait wrote: »

You started this thread by saying: "I'm a long time MSE'er since 2005"

Presumably, then, you are not a regular on this board. If you were, you would have seen many threads about abusive relationships.

In those threads, you would have seen that the behaviours you've described in your first few posts are often described as 'abusive'. For good reason.

You would also know the answers to your questions about what is normal life, and about his behaviour.

If you are a regular on this board, and have read all of those threads, maybe it's time to take a step back, and look at your relationship from that perspective.

Yes I'm mostly on the grabitnow and moneysaving boards, trying to make the household budget stretch as far as possible.
Until now I thought things weren't perfect but if I tried harder things would be better in the future. I thought abuse was physical and I haven't really experienced that. And in some ways he is lovely, funny, charming and we have had some good times which keep my hopes up.

Dunroamin wrote: »

I've skipped most of this thread but I'd expect £300 "housekeeping" from your daughter, not from the man you call a partner.

Yes you're right. I think that's why work is the one area of my life he's not really interferred with.