Is my relationship worth saving?

weathergurl

If it was just me I would leave tonight but DD and her BF are still there so maybe for their sake Womens Ais thought I should stay and act normal? I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it all as they work nights.

justme111

It hard to notice it when we are in the middle of it. Op , going somewhere would be the easiest thing to do , if you stay and he keeps giving you grief you may ask him to stop otherwise you are going to call police. As far as I am aware they are going to advise him to go elswhere for the night to avoid situation from escalating. I once called 999 because my ex was talking to me when I did not want to listen not living me alone . It was different as it was only Mr who was renting the house , he came visiting. - he was out of the door even before police turned up . Even if it is your common residence he would likely to be asked elswhere if he was intimidating you , following you from room to room etc.
Hugs x

RAS

weathergurl wrote: »

If it was just me I would leave tonight but DD and her BF are still there so maybe for their sake Womens Ais thought I should stay and act normal? I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it all as they work nights.

At the very very least go to the localpolice statiion and report as a person at risk of violence. Today. Ask for the Domestic Violence Officer.

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

If it was just me I would leave tonight but DD and her BF are still there so maybe for their sake Womens Ais thought I should stay and act normal? I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it all as they work nights.

Try and find somewhere you can go for the weekend, away from him.

There are no easy answers Im afraid. A family friend left her husband 6 months ago after a long relationship which was abusive, 2 kids.

There was an incident before Christmas, which was recorded on her phone (she was advised to do this by womens aid), he was charged with breach of the peace and threatening and intimidating behaviour and he pled not guilty but he was found guilty but got a 6 month suspended sentence (hes a professional person and his career went in his favour), the only upside is that the bail conditions have been continued.

Its not that easy just to get up and go and I have to say this family friend got minimum support from the police domestic violence people (her ex works with the police due to the job he does), she was discouraged from bringing the case. Even womens aid thought he would get off with it.

I also have to say that womens aid will operate on a needs basis and that many of the refuges will be full to bursting. Im not trying to discourage you, not at all, but a lot of people think once youve made the phone call to a domestic violence unit thats all your problems solved and often the police cannot act unless an incident happens. I do think you need to think of a plan B to get you out of the house this weekend and then see womens aid on Monday and let them know what kind of situation you are living in.

I think you need to get away from him now, but you might have to ask someone to put you up for a few days until you can sort out what happens after that.

justme111

Dd and her boyfriend are grown ups ! And there are two of them ! Do you thunk it is your business to protect them ?

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

If it was just me I would leave tonight but DD and her BF are still there so maybe for their sake Womens Ais thought I should stay and act normal? I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it all as they work nights.

Are they working nights this weekend? If so, even more reason to get out today, you are more at risk when alone with him IMHO.


They are adults. Tell them that you're leaving, for your own safety. This will also alert them to the potential danger of them staying in the house. They may choose to leave as well.


Is there a cheap B&B you could go to? Family? Friends? Don't be afraid to ask for help. In my case, my sister's wedding was coming up, so I didn't tell my family, but in ANY other circumstances I would have gone to my mum's like a shot.


It's been debated at length on my thread whether I was right to keep my family in the dark Either way, I did it and I got through it. But how I longed to confide in them! I you have family or good friends, please ask them for help xxx

weathergurl

Thanks, Yes DD and her BF are at home tonight but working Sat & Sun nights. And yep I suppose I do feel its upto me to protect them, they're so not at any fault here so I'd feel dreadful if my leaving caused them to experience any grief.

I don't want to involve the people I love to the extent of putting me up, he'd see that as a move against him on their part and would put them in the firing line. I will tell my family what's going on, that's not a problem, but I won't put anyone else in any danger. He is so private that would def provoke a bad reaction.

I'm going to have to try and muddle through this weekend as best I can and see Womens Aid as planned on Monday. I've also got a flat to view on Monday morning, although its bloody expensive setting up rented accomodation, bond, fee and rent up front. Will finish off my emergency fund, but I suppose thats what its for x

justme111

weathergurl wrote: »

Thanks, Yes DD and her BF are at home tonight but working Sat & Sun nights. And yep I suppose I do feel its upto me to protect them, they're so not at any fault here so I'd feel dreadful if my leaving caused them to experience any grief.

I don't want to involve the people I love to the extent of putting me up, he'd see that as a move against him on their part and would put them in the firing line. I will tell my family what's going on, that's not a problem, but I won't put anyone else in any danger. He is so private that would def provoke a bad reaction.

I'm going to have to try and muddle through this weekend as best I can and see Womens Aid as planned on Monday. I've also got a flat to view on Monday morning, although its bloody expensive setting up rented accomodation, bond, fe e and rent up front. Will finish off my emergency fund, but I suppose thats what its for x

Well , it is not your fault either that they are in thus situation so why are you feeling responsible? It's nit the matter of faul ts either. It is a consequence of chosing to benefit from your hospitality and by saving money , hustle , houeework etc. Every choice has consequences.
Any chance of having restriction order placed on your husband so that it is him who has to move out if he does not behave ?

weathergurl

justme111 wrote: »

Well , it is not your fault either that they are in thus situation so why are you feeling responsible? It's nit the matter of faul ts either. It is a consequence of chosing to benefit from your hospitality and by saving money , hustle , houeework etc. Every choice has consequences.
Any chance of having restriction order placed on your husband so that it is him who has to move out if he does not behave ?

Yes you're right, I will explain all this to DD tonight. They'll welcome to come with me or stay.
A restriction order was one of the things Womens Aid said I could ask about when I see them so will ask about that on Monday.

justme111

I do not even like it how you use the word explain , as if there was something you needed to justify yourself about . Hopefully they will see they should be helping you instead of you explaining to them.