Is my relationship worth saving?

paulineb_2

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Rigidly controlling your finances.
• Withholding money or credit cards.
• Making you account for every penny you spend.
• Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

• Restricting you to an allowance.
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).
• Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice


Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse


Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

Things got a bit scary last night. He tried to make up and I had no choice but to tell him I thought it was over and there was no future for us. He was upset, asked for time to pay off his debts before we split up, then got furious and was very intimidating, I was selfish, spoilt his life, don't help him or understand what he has to go through. He charged about the house, following me from room to room saying he had as much right to be wherever I was. I ended up agreeing with everything he was saying to try and keep it from escalating.

I had my keys and fone in my bag and thought I could try and sneak out if he wasn't right behind my every move and leave with the clothes I'm stood up in. At one point I was in quiet tears of despair, if I could have sat on the floor and died I would have

And then he started ranting and raving about how it was me and him against the world, talking about all the slights and wrongs people have done against him, how we must stick together and be strong. He talked and talked until 1am and when he was calm enough he let me go to sleep and he slept downstairs. I was exhausted. This morning he was bizarrely normal, saying bye when I left for work.

I really fear for your physical safety - please get help!

weathergurl

Thank you all, I recognise so many of those signs Paulineb, it was reading similar posts like this on here over the last few weeks that made me question if my life is normal? I've been in this life since 17 and I'm 43...I don't know any other life.

Some things are way odd about his behaviour though, this is why I've not been sure if's emotional abuse or mental health issue and prob why I've put up with it for so long.

When he's OK he actually praises me and my accomplishments quite a lot. He tells me I'm beautiful, clever, good at my job and that people are jealous of me. What's all that about? And I'm not even sure if he knows what he's doing. He was 19 when we met and now 45 and this is normal for him. :

weathergurl

I've rung Womens Aid. The lady reckoned I should try and act normal over the weekend, let him think things are OK (altho not sure how he will seeing as I told him I think we should split up).
Then go and see them at their drop in centre on Monday afternoon to go through things, and see if we can come up with a plan of action.
I've asked work for Monday off, but I'll have to make it look like I'm going to work.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

When he's OK he actually praises me and my accomplishments quite a lot. He tells me I'm beautiful, clever, good at my job and that people are jealous of me. What's all that about?

It's so that when you have moments when you don't think you can stand it any longer or other people tell you to leave him, you'll start thinking "But sometimes he's so nice to me"......

tayforth

weathergurl - your OH's behaviour last night was really frightening.

Well done on ringing WA, but I'm not sure that you were given good advice. I wouldn't want to be in the same house as him for even one more night if I were you. If you recall from my thread, I decided that either my ex or I would be leaving the house the night I ended it. IMHO, it is not safe for you to be there.

weathergurl wrote: »

Helping at boxing events.



Yes I'm mostly on the grabitnow and moneysaving boards, trying to make the household budget stretch as far as possible.
Until now I thought things weren't perfect but if I tried harder things would be better in the future. I thought abuse was physical and I haven't really experienced that. And in some ways he is lovely, funny, charming and we have had some good times which keep my hopes up.


Yes you're right. I think that's why work is the one area of my life he's not really interferred with.

I thought the same as you - that things would get better, that if I tried harder he would stop.

They didn't. He didn't.

By the way, you have experienced physical abuse. As has your daughter xx

weathergurl wrote: »

I don't want to have any time off work, its the only place I feel safe at the moment. I couldn't involve my parents or friends. Most of our friend are actually his and their GF's anyway. I have some lovely internet friends and they've been an enormous support but I had to get off FB last night in case he saw. My fone was beeping with notifications during his rant and he said "someone's desperate to speak to you aren't they" I must keep it on silent and log off.

Being at work is stopping me making plans, but I don't want to be at home. Shall I try and act normal for now until things are in place and he might come round the the idea of splitting up and selling the house? Or will he try and wear my resistance down?

If I leave I don't think I'd be able to go back and collect things. Once he noticed I'd gone he'd be furious at my 'sneakyness' .And how the hell do you sell a home in that situation? It's stuffed full of his tech stuff & mess.

Good advice from RAS - photograph the house as it is now. Both for selling and for evidence if your OH wrecks the place.

Here's my tuppence worth.

Speak to your boss. They will understand. Go home ASAP. Get all your valuables and sentimental items and take photos of the house. Go to a B&B, a friend's house - anywhere. Take money with you, make sure that he cannot access your account. If he can, move your money to a different account or withdraw it all.

You can contact the police to accompany you when you go back for your things.

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you all, I recognise so many of those signs Paulineb, it was reading similar posts like this on here over the last few weeks that made me question if my life is normal? I've been in this life since 17 and I'm 43...I don't know any other life.

Some things are way odd about his behaviour though, this is why I've not been sure if's emotional abuse or mental health issue and prob why I've put up with it for so long.

When he's OK he actually praises me and my accomplishments quite a lot. He tells me I'm beautiful, clever, good at my job and that people are jealous of me. What's all that about? And I'm not even sure if he knows what he's doing. He was 19 when we met and now 45 and this is normal for him. :

My ex used to say all those things about me too. He told me that I was beautiful, clever, kind, the most amazing girl in the world, he was the luckiest man in the world, he knew that I was the one as soon as he met me, etc etc etc.

Two hours later, he'd be calling me a b***h, a waste of space, or any number of choice names.

The praise is just manipulation. It's all part of the cycle of abuse. Of course, I didn't know this for a long time. But then I got my eyes opened.

tayforth

Why did the WA lady tell you to come back on Monday? Do they only open Mon-Fri?

Can you try Refuge instead? Or your local police domestic abuse unit?

Either way, the most important thing is to get out of that house - today. If your OH is going to be the, ask a police officer to go with you. Tell them that he's been violent towards you and your daughter, and that you fear his reaction if you go alone.

scorpio_biker

I just wanted to pop into this thread and wish you all the best.

I married at 19, and we were married for 25 years before we divorced, so I understand the idea that it's all you know, but there is a better life out there.

I was lucky in that the decision to split up was mutual, and we actually spent our 25th wedding anniversary in London having a long weekend break, calling it our farewell tour, and sleeping in separate beds which wasn't odd at all by then.

I've watched other threads where women have left abusive partners and got themselves set up in a new life, so even though we are internet (and virtual) friends know that we are all here for you and supporting you as much as we can.

And there is another life out there for you, one where you don't walk on eggshells, and you can veg out when you want, scoff chocolate, take long baths, choose what's on telly, buy biscuits with nuts in, go out when you want, come in when you want, sleep in when you want, buy date and walnut cake because he hated nuts and you love it mmmmm or is that just me????

Good luck

weathergurl

I'm not sure why WA told me to stay. I said what I've said here, she said it would be best to keep on as normal and let him think things were back to normal until I'd had a chance to see someone at WA in person. Maybe because of the house?
Their next local drop in clinic is Monday afternoon so that's the soonest.

weathergurl

scorpio_biker wrote: »

I just wanted to pop into this thread and wish you all the best.

I married at 19, and we were married for 25 years before we divorced, so I understand the idea that it's all you know, but there is a better life out there.

I was lucky in that the decision to split up was mutual, and we actually spent our 25th wedding anniversary in London having a long weekend break, calling it our farewell tour, and sleeping in separate beds which wasn't odd at all by then.

I

Oh my that would be great if we could split amicably like that, can't see it happening though.
Well done on your new life and the bliss of being able to do what you want when you want :T