Is my relationship worth saving?

weathergurl

Things got a bit scary last night. He tried to make up and I had no choice but to tell him I thought it was over and there was no future for us. He was upset, asked for time to pay off his debts before we split up, then got furious and was very intimidating, I was selfish, spoilt his life, don't help him or understand what he has to go through. He charged about the house, following me from room to room saying he had as much right to be wherever I was. I ended up agreeing with everything he was saying to try and keep it from escalating.

I had my keys and fone in my bag and thought I could try and sneak out if he wasn't right behind my every move and leave with the clothes I'm stood up in. At one point I was in quiet tears of despair, if I could have sat on the floor and died I would have

And then he started ranting and raving about how it was me and him against the world, talking about all the slights and wrongs people have done against him, how we must stick together and be strong. He talked and talked until 1am and when he was calm enough he let me go to sleep and he slept downstairs. I was exhausted. This morning he was bizarrely normal, saying bye when I left for work.

warehouse

weathergurl wrote: »

TAt one point I was in quiet tears of despair, if I could have sat on the floor and died I would have

Seriously weathergurl, life is too short, get out now.

CH27

Ring Women's Aid NOW!
Make plans to get out ASAP. You are in danger.

weathergurl

I don't want to have any time off work, its the only place I feel safe at the moment. I couldn't involve my parents or friends. Most of our friend are actually his and their GF's anyway. I have some lovely internet friends and they've been an enormous support but I had to get off FB last night in case he saw. My fone was beeping with notifications during his rant and he said "someone's desperate to speak to you aren't they" I must keep it on silent and log off.

Being at work is stopping me making plans, but I don't want to be at home. Shall I try and act normal for now until things are in place and he might come round the the idea of splitting up and selling the house? Or will he try and wear my resistance down?

If I leave I don't think I'd be able to go back and collect things. Once he noticed I'd gone he'd be furious at my 'sneakyness' .And how the hell do you sell a home in that situation? It's stuffed full of his tech stuff & mess.

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

I don't want to have any time off work, its the only place I feel safe at the moment. I couldn't involve my parents or friends. Most of our friend are actually his and their GF's anyway. I have some lovely internet friends and they've been an enormous support but I had to get off FB last night in case he saw. My fone was beeping with notifications during his rant and he said "someone's desperate to speak to you aren't they" I must keep it on silent and log off.

Being at work is stopping me making plans, but I don't want to be at home. Shall I try and act normal for now until things are in place and he might come round the the idea of splitting up and selling the house? Or will he try and wear my resistance down?

If I leave I don't think I'd be able to go back and collect things. Once he noticed I'd gone he'd be furious at my 'sneakyness' .And how the hell do you sell a home in that situation? It's stuffed full of his tech stuff & mess.

Why cant you tell your parents? No, for goodness sake, why on earth should you act normal till he comes round to the idea of selling the house? This isnt a normal situation, hes abusing you and he could get physical.

And if you are concerned about your safety ask the police to be with you when you get your things together.

jungle_jane

I think you should try to find somewhere else to live right now...today. He's going to try every trick in the book to make you change your mind and that could include a lot of unpleasant behaviour that could even endanger your safety.

Sounds like a couple of days off work in a hotel speaking to Woman's Aid, the Police and the Samaritans are exactly what you need. Not sure that soldiering on at work and pretending that everything is normal is going to be the best course of action now that the can of worms has been opened?

We're rooting for you weathergurl - you can do this!

weathergurl

paulineb wrote: »

Why cant you tell your parents? No, for goodness sake, why on earth should you act normal till he comes round to the idea of selling the house? This isnt a normal situation, hes abusing you and he could get physical.

And if you are concerned about your safety ask the police to be with you when you get your things together.

I will def tell my parents, what I mean is I can't go stay there or take possessions there as I wouldn't want to put them in the firing line like that, they're in their 70's.
Yes it's not normal, I have to keep telling myself that, towards the end of his rant at 1am he was v calm like he''d calmed himself down and talking like we were just chatting about this and that...it's too bizarre for me to work out and even got me thinking am I wrong, am I giving up on us when we can chat normally?

RAS

Hi

You need to talk to work about the situation. They can let you have a day or a half day when officially you are there (as far as he is concerned) but actually you are sorting out moving out.

Go speak to your boss now about taking this afternoon as "home from work" time.

Can I suggest that you get a small batch of clothing out of the house?

Would there be any point when he is out and you are at home for a couple of hours.

Re the house, I suggest that you will need a lawyer and an occupation order to get you back in at some stage to prepare the house for sale. try and photo it in its current state so you can prove it if he responds by damaging the property.

In the short-term, you need to get out.

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

I will def tell my parents, what I mean is I can't go stay there or take possessions there as I wouldn't want to put them in the firing line like that, they're in their 70's.
Yes it's not normal, I have to keep telling myself that, towards the end of his rant at 1am he was v calm like he''d calmed himself down and talking like we were just chatting about this and that...it's too bizarre for me to work out and even got me thinking am I wrong, am I giving up on us when we can chat normally?

You are being abused. You cant see that the nice and nasty act is part of the abuse, thats what abusers do, they give a small percentage of niceness which makes you think they arent like that all the time and it makes it harder to get out and it also makes you doubt yourself as well.

Would you tolerate this for someone you loved? A friend, your son in the future, or would you be telling them to get the hell out and never look back.

Its not easy when you are in the thick of things to realise just how bad things are at times, but they are bad and you've been putting up with this for some time so this is your reality, your normality, you actually dont know what a normal long term relationship is because you are with someone like this.

Please read some articles on domestic violence, you might identify with some of the points made.

paulineb_2

Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
criticize you and put you down?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling BehaviorDoes your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
control where you go or what you do?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
force you to have sex?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
destroy your belongings?
constantly check up on you?