Is my relationship worth saving?

paulineb_2

Abusive people are lovely sometimes, thats why it can be so hard to get out.

But its not enough to be lovely sometimes and horrible the rest of the time, its no way to live.

jungle_jane

Sounds quite a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder - I know someone just like that. That is quite difficult to manage (and of course impossible if the person won't address it).

Sorry, but a chill ran up my spine when I read what he said in his text. That is utterly creepy. I urge you to speak to the police and women's aid - do it today. It would be brilliant if you can line up somewhere to go beforehand too.

If it was me, i think i would get somewhere to live, tell him on the phone and then go around with the police to get my stuff! He sounds like an absolute nightmare...

spirit

jungle_jane wrote: »

Sounds quite a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder - I know someone just like that. That is quite difficult to manage (and of course impossible if the person won't address it).

...

Perhaps but it's not her responsibility to manage.

I'm rooting for you OP :A

paulineb_2

Id just like to say, Ive never been married, nor lived with someone, but Ive been in two emotionally abusive relationships, one lasted 18 months, the other 7 years and I absolutely get why its so hard to get out.

Both relationships were different, the first one was fine for about a year, unravelled at the speed of knots. I was 19, it was really tough as I loved him and despite all his issues I believe he loved me, he then stayed on the fringes of my life for a long time, but I was fed up being nit picked, you name it, everything was wrong. If I wore my hair down it should have been up, I got highlights, wrong, I was fat (no I wasnt, I was 9 and a half stones), I would never get my degree or do anything with my life (wrong).

The second relationship, there was less niceness, it was just crap from about 6 months in. Why didnt I leave? Because I gave him chance after chance to wind his neck in and sort himself out, but he didnt and couldnt. He cheated on me twice, he sent a Valentines card to a workmate (he didnt DO cards), he took another girl out on a date and when he eventually told me what he had done he told me if I had phoned him that night and asked to meet him hed have made her his priority because he had arranged to meet her.

Both exes Im talking about I believe had mental health issues and I dont judge people, because I had a family member who was schizophrenic and I know that people dont ask for that to happen to them and there are people who have mental health issues who have decent relationships.

And I still suffer from issues with my self esteem because Ive been told over and over what a waste of space I am, that Im fat, stupid, no one else would ever want to be with me, too much stuff to mention.

And Im not perfect, far from it. Ive made lots of mistakes and I dare say Ive hurt people in my time.

But Im not cruel, callous and downright vindictive and yes, its tough when you invest so much into someone and they turn out to be an absolute toss pot.

But my life is 1000 times better now. I have peace of mind, I can do what I want when I want, I can wear what I want when I want, I can dye my hair when I want and I can eat what I want and eat toast in my bed and leave the lid of the toothpaste (yes I got berated for that too), without feeling like Im the worst person in the world.

You deserve better. Thats all I can say.

weathergurl

I'm struggling a bit today if I'm honest. I feel so panic'y and I'm exhausted, not been sleeping well and didn't sleep well last night after the text message.

It's so busy at work and my brain feels like treacle. I haven't had a chance to even start a to-do list. I've had a quick look at some of the articles and yes they sound like me, it's so sad it's come to this, it's breaking my heart and my will.
I have written down the number of my local womens aid, now need to find time and somewhere private at work to give them a ring.

There's no way I could ask DD's BF to be around when I say I'm leaving, I think another man (seen as a stranger) around would be terribly provoking to him. Plus my partner is enormous, he's 6 foot 18 stone and a martial arts blackbelt, he teaches MMA & kickboxing. :eek: DD's BF is tiny and I would rather they were well out of the way.
I'm just muddling through at work today like a zombie, but I'd rather be here than at home.

weathergurl

Thank you all for your help and advice and sharing your stories.
I'm so overwhelmed by your concern.

are_u_me

cazzap06 wrote: »

So it's all about HIS happiness , not YOURS??!!

This is not a healthy relationship , I hate to say it but he sounds manipulative , possessive and controlling ( and immature! )

So WHAT if he's 'in a mood' when the buyers come round - Don't let that stop you and don't let fear of being on your own stop you either!!!

It's not as bad as you think and the ''missing someone'' and feelings of loneliness although feelings of loss and sadness are WORTH it for the GAIN AND HAPPINESS you will get!!!

My own Mother is in a very unhappy ( similar to yours ) relationship ( having 'happy moments' is not the same as being happy in a relationship or having a good one ) it is like they cannot live without each other but they cannot live HAPPILY with each other either and it is actually a destructive thing like drugs or an addiction and she constantly has to fight to try and keep her self esteem intact which is nigh impossible with a moody man who blames and takes out his stuff on another person who he supposed to love but is not capable of healthy love unfortunately....

Many people ask my Mum when she complains ''why not leave him?'' which is a question she avoids , but I don't think she wants to admit that she does not want to be on her own , but what is she teaching US , her daughters about healthy relationships and self esteem etc???

I have had some tough relationships with guys who did not treat me right / as I deserved at all so I LEFT THEM .... Sometimes pretty much straight away , sometimes over time but I had no CHOICE but to walk away as they GAVE ME NO CHOICE as nothing would ever change and nor would they even if they 'promised' or 'tried' to ( they shouldn't have to 'try' even!!! ) they would not acknowledge they had a problem as to them of course I was the one with the problem! lol

( The only problem was my taste in men lol which thankfully I am LEARNING FROM and I don't want a guy who brings out the worst in me but the best in me or gets / drags me down when I could be happy without him and I hate feeling trapped in these sort of manipulative relationships anyway!! ) plus I would hate to be like my Mum and only stay because I was too scared to be on my own , people die miserable like that - And I wanna die HAPPY even if it's on my own , but am not on my own as I have my grown up children and Grandchildren all of whom love me very much and romantic love from the RIGHT guy who treats me right and who I feel secure with because I trust him / his character , well if that happens it is a bonus and if not I always have MYSELF and my life and my own personal achievements , the greatest of which is having a secure family enviroment for my children and even though learning from mistakes setting an example of what to ''put up with'' and what definitely NOT to put up with even if it means walking away with some feelings of love in your heart still and missing them and the companionship as it's just not worth it!! And it sounds like you have put up with WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much over the years! xx

That is a wonderful post cazza:T Spot on about having a happy life.

I so wish I hadn't waited over 20 years. I still loved him, despite everything, when I left (or thought I did) but then someone mentioned trauma bonding to me (google it) and at last even that made sense.

RAS

weathergurl wrote: »

There's no way I could ask DD's BF to be around when I say I'm leaving, I think another man (seen as a stranger) around would be terribly provoking to him. Plus my partner is enormous, he's 6 foot 18 stone and a martial arts blackbelt, he teaches MMA & kickboxing. :eek: DD's BF is tiny and I would rather they were well out of the way.
I'm just muddling through at work today like a zombie, but I'd rather be here than at home.

Might be a good idea to suggest they book into a Travel Lodge for a couple of nights.

I really really think you need to talk to Women's Aid and to speak to a good lawyer (WA will probably know those experienced in your area).

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm struggling a bit today if I'm honest. I feel so panic'y and I'm exhausted, not been sleeping well and didn't sleep well last night after the text message.

It's so busy at work and my brain feels like treacle. I haven't had a chance to even start a to-do list. I've had a quick look at some of the articles and yes they sound like me, it's so sad it's come to this, it's breaking my heart and my will.
I have written down the number of my local womens aid, now need to find time and somewhere private at work to give them a ring.

There's no way I could ask DD's BF to be around when I say I'm leaving, I think another man (seen as a stranger) around would be terribly provoking to him. Plus my partner is enormous, he's 6 foot 18 stone and a martial arts blackbelt, he teaches MMA & kickboxing. :eek: DD's BF is tiny and I would rather they were well out of the way.
I'm just muddling through at work today like a zombie, but I'd rather be here than at home.

This is all normal. I went through the exact same when preparing to leave my ex. My heart goes out to you.

Could work give you a few compassionate days off if you explained what's going on? Most employers have a domestic abuse policy and will be supportive. Are you a member of a union?

If you feel that your OH will kick off, definitely involve the police. Explain that he has previously been physically violent. They will come round. They will protect you, and help you to get yourself and your things out of the house. If you want to stay, even temporarily, in the house, they can prevent him from coming anywhere near it.

I hope that you find a private spot to call Women's Aid.

You really should act today. Having read what you said about your ex's physique, martial arts training and behaviour, I am concerned for your safety xxx

tayforth

Also, re legal aid - I know that there have been cutbacks, but AFAIK it's still available in cases of domestic abuse xx