Is my relationship worth saving?

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

Yes you're right, I will explain all this to DD tonight. They'll welcome to come with me or stay.
A restriction order was one of the things Womens Aid said I could ask about when I see them so will ask about that on Monday.

If WA won't see you until Monday, could you contact Refuge?


You are in more danger if you stay than if you leave, IMHO. The content of his text and what he said to you last night are very very worrying xx

Heffi1

The reason he is so private is that he does not want everyone to know what he is really like.

I married at 18 and divorced at 44 my marriage was like you have described yours, absolutely awful, but I was afraid of my own shadow in the end, I believed all of the nasty things he told me and had no confidence at all.

He always said never to tell anyone our business, he could be so sweet to strangers and family that they had no clue. But in private he was a pig.

I am 5 years on the other side now and it feels great. I have to be honest the first few months I walked about in a daze not knowing what I was going to do, how to make decisions for myself for the first time in a long time. You know what though, I made it, and you will too if you dare to believe you can do it.

He has you so downtrodden that you do doubt your own abilities and by doing that you have to come back to him each time for reassurance.

You can do this and live again, in peace.

tayforth

Well said, Heffi1. And I just noticed your sig - congratulations on making such incredible progress with your debts xx

Heffi1

Thanks Tay still a long way to go, but I will get there, if anyone is wondering why it was so high, then 25 years with no housekeeping at all and made to manage on a very small part time wage to pay what I could. I am determined to be debt free, and to know I have managed it all on my own. I entered into a DMP and was told, 'if you weren't so rubbish with finances then you wouldn't be in this position, from someone earning £52K a year and me barely making £14K at the time...

Wol2

Well done weathergurl - it does seem that a lot of things have fallen in to place for you over a very short period of time on this board and you have made the decision to leave...to the extent you told him so yesterday. Your mind must be whirling - this is normal!

FWIW - My ex exhibited all the behaviours that you describe. He did not have e.g. bipolar issues that could have been sorted by starting with the GP and onward referral to a psychiatrist. According to my Psychotherapist Counsellor, he was a narcissistic sociopath. He didn;t love me - he loved the way my controlled behaviour enabled him to feel about himself. As long as I was compliant and he felt good, he was flattering/attentive etc - however he would flare up or sulk at the slightest thing that didn;t go "his way". This included things said/done to him by other people and unconnected with me - but it would be my fault and my job to make him feel better again by doing whatever he demanded. From what you have described - it sounds to me like your OH is relating to you in a similar way.

I am not sure if you have really taken on board how much you will be at risk of physical harm this weekend now you have told him of your intention to leave. I agree with Tayforth and Marisco...you need to leave sooner rather than later and you lit the blue touchpaper last night. You also need to be aware that despite how well you can act - and you have obviously, like me, been a very good actress over the years; you have crossed an important threshold for yourself these last few days :T....and unfortunately he "may" pick this up in your behaviour towards him over the weekend

From my own experience - he will only let you go IF he wants to let you go - and it appears from events last night that he is not prepared to do that. You WILL have to "seize the moment" at whatever time and however unpleasant.

Whilst he may be as nice as pie this weekend (and there is a good reason why WA have said keep everything normal - it will buy you time to make your plans) - you need to be prepared in case you have to "bolt".

My ex never hit me - he used to pin me up against the wall by my throat - or "push me over" things - one time I ended up with 2 broken ribs and it took me 8 weeks to recover. Your work will be a mainstay for you over the coming weeks and the last thing you want to happen is some type of "un-intentioned" physical injury that prevents you from working as a result of excessive force being applied to "hold you down"

If he is as unpredictable as my ex, no matter how much you try to "keep the peace", things could "kick off" when you;re least expecting it - and it could just as easily be prompted by someone else this weekend rather than anything you do/say.

So, if you are intending to stay where you are over the weekend, let's think about some practicalities/preparations....and this is JUST for the short-term time untill you get things sorted and can move somewhere where DD can join you if she wishes.
a) Make sure your report yourself, your car and your address as "at risk" to the police TODAY
b) Put 999 on speed dial on your phone
c) If you have a car - keep the car keys (and spare set) and your mobile on you at all times
d) If possible, leave your handbag/credit cards etc and a few emergency items in the car tonight/over the weekend - unless of course you will both be "in the car" this weekend for "hobbies" - in which case, have it all in a bag hidden as near to the door as you can.
e) If possible - sleep in separate rooms and lock your door - find an excuse to justify the separate sleeping arrangements - e.g. you're worried you might have headlice - make sure you get a shampoo as "evidence"
f) Know where your nearest LATE NIGHT/OPEN ALL HOURS Travel lodge/Premier Inn is, and how to get there
g) if you are at all concerned for your safety at any time - get out immediately and run to the nearest house to phone the police - without shoes etc if necessary. They will help you get back in to either remove items you wish to take with you and escort you to a safe place - or tell him to go somewhere else.
h) talk to DD - but ONLY if you think she won;t be "persuaded by dad" to divulge/hint - I couldn't tell ANYBODY because my ex was so good at getting info out of people without them realising it.
i) try as much as you can to have other people around when you are with OH this weekend. If possible arrange with a trusted friend/family member to send texts at certain times with instructions that if they don;t hear from you at the agreed time to phone the police.
j) If you are using a home computer/your phone then clear the cache to this thread


I hope things remain calm this weekend - but, from my own personal experience, you need to have a back-up plan if they aren't.

I don;t normally post on this Board - and I haven't been on MSE for at least a year - but I have completely engaged with your current situation so will make this offer to you, because I believe you need to have options in an emergency - something I personally didn;t!

[text removed by MSE Forum Team]

I think it;s important you know there are "friendly folk" out there to support you. I hope it won;t come to this and that you can work things out to your own satisfaction...but I am here "in extremis"

Love and hugs
Wol2
xxxx

Just_a_Girl_2

Wol2, that is one of the most helpful and kindest posts I have ever seen on here.

coolcait

weathergurl wrote: »

I've rung Womens Aid. The lady reckoned I should try and act normal over the weekend, let him think things are OK (altho not sure how he will seeing as I told him I think we should split up).
Then go and see them at their drop in centre on Monday afternoon to go through things, and see if we can come up with a plan of action.
I've asked work for Monday off, but I'll have to make it look like I'm going to work.

Really? :eek:

I'd recommend getting a second opinion. Immediately.

Edited to add: if you had also been given a list of suggestions - like the one from Wol2 - on how to keep yourself safe over the weekend, and how to prepare for leaving, then WA's 'advice' wouldn't have seemed quite so :eek:.

Wol2

We are where/who we are....weathrgurl has to decide how she want's to proceed.

I agree the advice from Women's Aid is a bit suspect
so it is even more imporrtant that we don;t send her up the wrong path!

I'm quite sure that anyone who REALLY knows what weathergurl is going through will pitch in and offer helpful advice.

weathergurl - stay strong ...don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone......It took me years but I was astonished at
how lovely people can be
xx

Toto

Sadly like you, wol and many others here I've also been there. It seems my ex, who I truly thought was one of a kind, isn't. It is honestly as if you are describing him. There is a life at the other side though, there really is. If you are anywhere in the Hertfordshire region then I can also offer you sanctuary for a couple of days.

Please do as Wol says and clear your cache from your computer. If you need to run barefoot from the house do so, keep your phone on you at all times. If for any reason you can't get a signal on your phone then rather than 999 call 112 (this number has priority on the networks to the emergency services).

Personally I would go to a hotel for the weekend, taking daughter if necessary. Please stay safe x

tayforth

Another couple of useful links, if you're awake (I couldn't sleep when I was in your situation):

http://www.respect4women.org/faq/

http://www.theraveproject.com/index.php/resources/resource_content/personalized_safety_plan/