Is my relationship worth saving?

RAS

weathergurl wrote: »

She did say I should get an emergency fund together as unless I'm fleeing to a refuge in immediate danger I'd be better off renting privately, as t could take a few months for the council to rehouse me if need be. I've got the number of a refuge in case I need it.

This is one of the reasons he keeps you short of money.

Is there anything that you no longer need that you (or better DD as the actual vendor as that would be easier to hide) can sell on e-bay, amazon or at a car boot sale?

A little light "spring clean" might help you get some spare dosh?

Wol2

weathergurl wrote: »

Oh MSE'ers I am truly overwhelmed by your concern and wonderful support.

:T:T:beer::D:A

Wol2 your post and help has made me fell that I'm not a worthless and wasting everyones time with my petty tales of woe.

Thank you weathergurl...I'm pleased if have been of some help
Given your weekend, let's just clarify a few things

• yours is not a petty tale of woe...

• you are not wasting anyone's time.

Also

• you are not worthless - you are weathergurl - a truly inspirational lady who is just as valuable and deserves just as much happiness as anyone else.

Please continue to believe that. :grouphug:

I'm couldn't manage to get online at all over the weekend, after BF had ranted and raved it followed the familiar pattern that everything is all right now

I would suggest that you don;t take any risks on-line while at home - but arrange that you have some type of alert mechanisms in place for when you are off-line for long periods - e.g. with the police, WA and/or with trusted friends.

and I'm just being silly and carrying it on, if I don't come round to his way of thinking.

You are not being silly - although unfortunately you may have to
"ahem ...pretend you are" for a bit longer
I can appreciate that after so many years, what you are wanting to do is so very scarey - but I would like to reassure you that ultimately leaving this relationship will extraordinarily change your life for the better - even though it might not, at times, seem so at the moment.


I haven't had space to breathe at all, he has followed me around constantly all weekend telling me how he will change, and be the best partner in the world and making bizarre plans for holidays?! He's cooked meals and fixed lots of things in the house. Is he really trying or what? My head can't cope with the rollercoaster. I am actually going mad, did I imagine the other night I sat on the floor in dispair?

You are not going mad - this is all part and parcel of "the cycle" that keeps us staying there hoping/believing they will change and/or "it's just a bad patch" and/or "it's our fault...if only we........"
Please don;t be fooled. ....Leopards and spots spring to mind

I went to see Womens Aid yesterday - go girlie! :j:j

and the lady was so very lovely.

I'm very relieved you have been given the support/validation you will need - especially face to face - and that WA are now actively working with you to achieve your aims.

Glad to see you back after the weekend and what a brilliant positive post weathergurl.....:T..Congratulations!

Please don't doubt yourself just because of the charm offensive this weekend...and please don;t let it throw you into a false sense of security. The more the charm, the more the realisation from your OH that he is losing "control" of you and hence why he is now "dogging your steps" and being ultra-helpful and "loving".

I hope you manage to stay cool and recognise his actions for what they really are i.e. a means of keeping you tied to him .... and please don;t take any un-necessary risks.

I'd just like to reassure you that many of the people who have posted here have gone through something very similar and we do understand how difficult this "tightrope time" must be for you now :grouphug:..... At the same time I'd like to applaud you for how quickly you have moved forwards in your thinking, self-determination and actions this last week :T

.....and I'd also like to encourage you to keep on seeking support/help/advice/suggestions - be it from Women's Aid, The Police, MSE - or any other organisations that may be recommended.

Stay strong - well done on what you have achieved - and keep making those (sometimes seemingly tiny) steps forwards towards that wonderful life ahead of you.
You are worth it and you deserve it :cool:

Sending lots of hugs and support to you

xxxxx

tayforth

weathergurl wrote: »

I feel so angry with myself for not doing something years ago, how could I bring DD up in this environment? I'm so utterly ashamed I didn't leave when he pushed her over

I told WA I feel so stupid for being such a doormat, but she said it's all I've ever known since 17, that even a stone wears away with constant chipping, so no wonder my perception of what's normal is skewed after 25 years.

Firstly, I'm so relieved that you're OK! Wol2 makes a good point - do arrange to let someone know that you're OK at regular intervals.

Secondly, please don't blame yourself for any of this, and don't feel guilty. Your OH is to blame, not you.

Thirdly, WELL DONE on going to WA. I'm so glad that the lady you spoke to today took you more seriously than the person who fobbed you off on Friday. It's good that you have a plan in place.

I had a period of two weeks in between my 'LBM' and ending my marriage, for a variety of reasons. I'm glad, as it meant that I had time to get my head together, gather my strength and put plans in place. You are doing amazingly well. We are all 100% behind you, and willing you to get through this. Please believe me when I say that a better life awaits you. You won't know yourself after you escape this toxic relationship.

And - lastly - I agree with the others - you come across as a lovely, kind, dignified person who deserves to find happiness, and I have every confidence that you will xxx

Primrose

I have been following this thread and can only imagine the courage it has taken you to take the action you have. On your low moments just remember that "This too will pass". I suspect that if you could "fast-forward" a few weeks into the future you might be amazed at how positively your life will have changed. I hope so. Just for now, take an hour at a time.

BitterAndTwisted

I am SO relieved that Weathergurlie has posted as I've been very worried by her non-appearance on here since last week.

Lady: you're an absolute tower of strength. Believe it, stay safe and you'll get through this. I know you will because the hardest part, reaching the realisation that what you have been experiencing is not normal and accepting that you need to change it, is behind you now.

Go you!

weathergurl

Thank you all, I seem to be in limbo at the moment. Everything moved very quickly last week and now I'm stuck. He's still following my every move and constantly hugging me, he even sent flowers to work.

Yesterday there was a letter waiting for me at home marked private and confidential with my address handwritten, and he made a big point of showing it to me and saying I should open it as it might be urgent. I had no choice but to open it in front of him and I was terrified what it could be. It was a bloody letter offering cheap laser hair removal at my hairdressers. I'm terrified WA might write to me although they promised they wouldn't, I'm sure they wouldn't.

He's just ring to meet me for lunch at work. I can't tell if he's really trying to change and make amends? Part of me is starting to feel really mean to think it's all part of the abuse and maybe he's had a lighbulb moment too. It's messing my head up totally

weathergurl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I am SO relieved that Weathergurlie has posted as I've been very worried by her non-appearance on here since last week.

Lady: you're an absolute tower of strength. Believe it, stay safe and you'll get through this. I know you will because the hardest part, reaching the realisation that what you have been experiencing is not normal and accepting that you need to change it, is behind you now.

Go you!

Thanks, I can only really post at work in case he sees me. I was off work Monday to go see WA so yesterday was the first chance I had to post, sorry x

BitterAndTwisted

He's following you around and crowding you, not to reassure you that he's trying to change, but to keep a beady eye on you to ensure his controlling-grip is not loosening.

Please do not be fooled by any of it. But give every impression that it is working for the time being.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

Yesterday there was a letter waiting for me at home marked private and confidential with my address handwritten, and he made a big point of showing it to me and saying I should open it as it might be urgent. I had no choice but to open it in front of him and I was terrified what it could be.

He's just ring to meet me for lunch at work. I can't tell if he's really trying to change and make amends? Part of me is starting to feel really mean to think it's all part of the abuse and maybe he's had a lighbulb moment too. It's messing my head up totally

His lightbulb moment is realising he's pushed you too far and that you're not going to take it any longer. He's panicking now - any niceness would only last until you backed down and agree to live on his terms again.

No-one in a good relationship would feel they "had no choice" about opening a letter!

warehouse

weathergurl wrote: »

I can't tell if he's really trying to change and make amends? Part of me is starting to feel really mean to think it's all part of the abuse and maybe he's had a lighbulb moment too.(

He is not going to change, we all know it, as do you. Why wait a few days/weeks until you post on here again at how terrified you are? Do something this week, get the h*ll out and start your life again without this monster in it.

Personally I'll be following this thread until we can all celebrate with you. Good luck.