Is my relationship worth saving?

Blackpool_Saver

please check in weathergurl...... :-(

Wol2

Slightly concerned about your absence weathergurl - hope you've not infringed any work internet usage policy and been stopped from logging on - might be an idea to check and clear it with your employer anyway

Have sent you PM.

xxx

LannieDuck

Slightly late to this, but the 'charm offensive' actually reads as quite chilling to me. It's not charming to have someone demand you open your letters immediately so he can see what they are. It's not charming to have someone following you around all day.

How would he react if you don't do what he wants when he wants? What if you'd refused to open that letter because you were in the middle of something else? Would he still have been all smiles and charm?

weathergurl

Thank you all for your concern, I'm here and I'm OK.

Work are really good with internet access as long as you're getting your work done. It has been busy at work tho so not had much chance to be online, and when I have I've been trying to sort out practicalities.

Also I'm feeling a bit ashamed that I've not seized the moment and moved straight like some people have advised, I'm thinking you must be getting sick of me moaning about the situation but not doing anything about it.
But I am trying honestly, it just seems all so overwhelming

OH is still watching my every move, I'm reading so much into everything he does and then I feel guilty. He's cooked the evening meal every night but that means he texts me dead on finishing time at work to say 'what time will you be home its nearly ready' Maybe he's just being nice cooking (he never really did before) or is it to make sure I go straight home?

He kept me up talking till 1am the other night just going over nothing and he could tell I was shattered as I haven't been sleeping well. The next day he told me I looked tired and should ring in sick and stay home with him (one of his days off). I said no way and was v forceful in that, no way is he putting my job at risk, no way!

I have made baby steps forward. In addition to paying all the bills I was also overpaying the mortgage by £50 a month (trying to be MSE). I've put the payment back to normal and set up a standing order for £50 to go into my building soc savings instead as an attempt to build up my emergency fund.

I've rung my union's legal helpline about the legalities of splitting and selling the house. They're going to ring me back. I know for a fact OH will make it as difficult as possible to sell in a way to punish me. I feel totally trapped in the situation because of the house and the fact I can't afford to move out without selling it. Hoping the legal advice might help clarify the situation.

Thanks so much for your concern, you are all such lovely people and Dudeonvacation it's no problem, you weren't to know the whole situation from just reading my initial posts.

tayforth

Thank goodness you're OK. And please don't feel the need to apologise - yes, we are all worried about you, but we are most definitely not sick of you and you are not moaning! You're doing the best you can, at your own pace, keeping yourself safe, and we are all here for you.

Your OH is doing all of those things to try and control you. He wants you home straight from work so that you can't go anywhere else, that's why he's making dinner. He kept you up late on purpose so that he could suggest that you ring in sick - good for you for saying no. Incidentally, what was he 'going over' the other night?

tayforth

By the way, you say that you couldn't afford to move out without selling the house - well, due to his reduced income, he couldn't afford to keep it on on his own, so he will have no choice but to agree to sell it. I hope that your legal rep contacts you soon xxx

weathergurl

tayforth wrote: »

Thank goodness you're OK. And please don't feel the need to apologise - yes, we are all worried about you, but we are most definitely not sick of you and you are not moaning! You're doing the best you can, at your own pace, keeping yourself safe, and we are all here for you.

Your OH is doing all of those things to try and control you. He wants you home straight from work so that you can't go anywhere else, that's why he's making dinner. He kept you up late on purpose so that he could suggest that you ring in sick - good for you for saying no. Incidentally, what was he 'going over' the other night?

Thank you Tayforth, he was going over all the 'wrongs' that people have done to him and also to me over the years and how it's me and him against the world.

Despite the fact I don't actually care that someone may have spoken disrespectfully to me 10 years ago, who apart from him holds a grudge that long?! Looking at it now it was a way to get my friends out of our life, sometimes friends say daft and stupid things but they're human and one off's like that aren't worth losing a friendship over...only I have as it was too difficult to fight against his wishes.

HeadAboveWater

Don't beat yourself up about what you may or may not have done 10 years ago. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You did what you thought at the time was the right thing to do.

Glad to hear you're ok - thanks for updating us.

weathergurl

tayforth wrote: »

By the way, you say that you couldn't afford to move out without selling the house - well, due to his reduced income, he couldn't afford to keep it on on his own, so he will have no choice but to agree to sell it. I hope that your legal rep contacts you soon xxx

Yes hoping the legal bod contacts soon as I don't want him ringing my mobile outside of work hours, that wouldn't go down well!

OH won't agree to anything if he doesn't want to...full stop.

I'd be the one who had to move out as it would be too risky to carry on living there.

So therefore I'd be the one trying to pay rent on a new place and mortgage each month. It's not do-able - I don't earn enough.

I've been looking into the joint ownership situation if you're not married and we are both legally responsible for paying the whole amount of mortgage each month. He won't pay anything, it already comes out of my bank account. So I'd have to pay it all. Its worse than I initially thought. I thought if I'd paid my half the bank would just chase him, that's not how it works.

I can't risk ruining my credit rating with a repossession. How would I get a tenancy or mortgage again after that? Womens Aid said because I'm working that even in a refuge I'd have to pay to live there, how could I do that while still trying to pay the mortgage?

I'm struggling to see a way out of it.

And all the time this is going on I'm expected to try and pursuade him to sell up...he won't agree to that. And I can see he'd do everything possible so a sale wouldn't go through, he'd never allow buyers to view the house., he'd scare the cr*p out of them!

RAS

weathergurl wrote: »

I'd be the one who had to move out as it would be too risky to carry on living there.

So therefore I'd be the one trying to pay rent on a new place and mortgage each month. It's not do-able - I don't earn enough.

I've been looking into the joint ownership situation if you're not married and we are both legally responsible for paying the whole amount of mortgage each month. He won't pay anything, it already comes out of my bank account. So I'd have to pay it all. Its worse than I initially thought. I thought if I'd paid my half the bank would just chase him, that's not how it works.

I can't risk ruining my credit rating with a repossession. How would I get a tenancy or mortgage again after that? Womens Aid said because I'm working that even in a refuge I'd have to pay to live there, how could I do that while still trying to pay the mortgage?

Please do not ask your provide this now in case but you could start researching some info.

You need to find out how much of your current payment is interest and how much is capital. Your mortgage provider may well agree to let you go interest only?

Also look at the terms and conditins and see if you can get a 6 months payment holiday? Even if it isn't in the T&Cs they may well co-operate once you explain the situation.

Neither of these would damage your credit rating.

Sounds like you are going to need an occupation order and a order to sell so talk to the legal bod about those. Make sure they realise it is a DV situation.