Is my relationship worth saving?

BitterAndTwisted

Be in absolutely no doubt about this: he's tightening his vice-like grip! He's going to start following you to the lav soon or make overtures about you giving up your job, so he can keep you under the cosh 24/7. Even your lunch-breaks aren't your own now.

luxor4t

weathergurl wrote: »

......He's just ring to meet me for lunch at work. I can't tell if he's really trying to change and make amends? Part of me is starting to feel really mean to think it's all part of the abuse and maybe he's had a lighbulb moment too. It's messing my head up totally

Please don't be fooled. He is gripping harder, it's just hidden better than usual.

The day before I walked out on ex-husband I came home to find a huge colour TV in the living room - up to that point he'd insisted we could not afford anything but the black & white licence for his portable tv.

Then he told me we were going for a meal in the big town - he'd refused for three years to go into the town at night in case his elderly, tatty second-hand car was stolen.

We both earned good money btw, he just wanted total control.

Blackpool_Saver

As many know I too have been through this, I could have written your post. Please don't let this change in behaviour influence your decision to leave, it is just him ramping it up ever more to regain control. Once he has that control it will all go back to normal. At this stage you still have your mental health, a few more years of this abuse and then you won't be able to work. Leave now, before you are too ill to be able to.

tayforth

I agree with everyone else. My ex was the same before I left him. He sensed that he was losing control, so he started a charm offensive, but it was just an attempt to control me and prevent me from leaving. It was confusing, of course it was, because he dressed it up as love and concern and remorse.

Your OH seems to be going one step further. His attempts to monopolise you, even during the working day, are very worrying indeed. I hope that you will stay safe and - more importantly - get the hell out of there very soon.

tayforth

Next time he rings and asks to meet you for lunch, have an excuse ready. You need head space, and what he is doing is invading it, trying to ensure that you don't even have enough time to think.

Heffi1

It might be worth having a quiet chat with your manager at work to say how worried you are, if you do not return one day from lunch she could call in the police to see where you are, I don't mean to say this to frighten you, but he may be trying to completely isolate you from everyone, so that he has complete control.

This is what he is after.

YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER COMPLIANCE!

He will stop at nothing else if he feels you are pulling away, now is the time to have some very strong escape plans in place and someone who you can check in with (regularly) so that they can alert the authorities if you do not make contact.

He should NOT be aware of this.

He is grasping at straws now as he probably senses you are making a move towards freedom.

Be very careful and put plans in place before you do anything.

I am worried for you, this nice phase will not last and the alternative does not bear thinking about.

Wol2

Lots of good observations and advice in response to your posts weathergurl so i will try to add to, rather than repeat :cool:

I am concerned that you are starting to believe you are a mean person- please don;t! For 25+ years you have put someone else's needs/feelings first at the expense of your own :A -how does that make you mean?

Lots of people are posting on your thread and not one of them has said you are mean or unfair. So you can choose to accept your own/OH's singular opinion based upon current events....or that of the multiple other people posting here on your thread. It's entirely up to you.

I can assure you that "feeling that you are mean" as you describe, is unfortunately a completely "normal" and understandable reaction to your current situation - especially owing to the "crowding" you are now being subjected to i.e. not only charming you but also dogging your steps AND spending your lunch break with you.

Actually....this last action is concerning me....he is upping the ante Hmmm - might be helpful to discuss with Womens Aid how to handle a possible sceanrio where you are accused of having an affair.....

If you haven;t already done so, please register as "at risk" with the police.

I hope you manage to get some head-space this week and I hope you will view my post as "pro-active, preparatory and preventative"

Finally.... If you haven;t already done so, please register as "at risk" with the police ....ooops have I already said that

Sending you hugs

xxxx

paulineb_2

weathergurl wrote: »

Thank you all, I seem to be in limbo at the moment. Everything moved very quickly last week and now I'm stuck. He's still following my every move and constantly hugging me, he even sent flowers to work.

Yesterday there was a letter waiting for me at home marked private and confidential with my address handwritten, and he made a big point of showing it to me and saying I should open it as it might be urgent. I had no choice but to open it in front of him and I was terrified what it could be. It was a bloody letter offering cheap laser hair removal at my hairdressers. I'm terrified WA might write to me although they promised they wouldn't, I'm sure they wouldn't.

He's just ring to meet me for lunch at work. I can't tell if he's really trying to change and make amends? Part of me is starting to feel really mean to think it's all part of the abuse and maybe he's had a lighbulb moment too. It's messing my head up totally

A lightbulb moment doesnt make up for all the years of abuse

Hes terrified of losing you so hes messing with your head yes and he has no right to demand you open private and confidential mail in front of him.

Flowers and lunch dont make up for the way youve been treated over the years.

My advice stands, get out and get away from this man, hes abusive and you need to get away from him and be safe.

Leopards do not change their spots.

jungle_jane

So relieved you are okay weathergurl - I think you are doing brilliantly.

The lunch thing is horrifying - he's not making amends, he's just got a notch more controlling.

Imagine it was your daughter in this position with her OH - horrifying. What would you think her best course of action would be? Probs to tell the police, tell her place of work and get an escape plan hatched....i hope you have all of that in place now too

Rooting for you, weathergurl xx

dude0nvacation

Sincerest apologies weathergurl and thank you for being polite on responding to my last post - perhaps I wasn't able to read every single detail before giving out that particular response.

Maybe I made that response in order to save the relationship (not knowing of the other issues that went over the line). It's my bad blabbering things without knowing the exact full details on what's really happening.

I wish you all the best and will be praying for you and your daughters safety. I know how traumatic this is for you...