Is my relationship worth saving?

weathergurl

I'm a long time MSE'er since 2005, but I'm posting anonymously for some help or advice before my head explodes.

I'm in a long term relationship with my BF for over 25 years, we met when we were teens and it's my first and only relationship, so I don't have anything to judge it against.
We have a daughter who's now 23 (currently living at our house with her BF while they get rid of some debts and try and save some money).

I'm starting to feel like mine and BF's relationship isn't right, but am I over reacting?

He has bizarre and severe mood swings, almost to the point I think he might be bipolar. I'm constantly walking on eggshells making sure I don't say the wrong thing and trying to keep his life as smooth as possible to ward off his mood. During the good phase he's OK, very loving and attentive and we do have a laugh, but when the mood swings then boy do I know about it (and to some extent DD is sometimes in the firing line). He can be in a foul mood, picks an argument over anything, sulks, we don't talk for days and then he swings back out of it and everything is supposed to be fine.

I'm exhausted by it and it's really wearing me down, each episode of it crushes me a bit more and I lose all enthusiasm for everything. I just function.

But then when he's Ok I think we have a lovely relationship....but then again do we? Recently I've been trying to look at us as an outsider would and I'm not really liking what's there.

25 years is an awful long time to give up on, I feel like I've failed if I give up, but not sure I've got the will to fight any more.

I don't have many close friends, it's always been difficult socialising with BF as his mood swings often coincided with social events. He's fallen out with all his family and quite a few of his long time friends. He's fallen out with my closest friend so that's awkward. He has some more recent friends and we do sometimes socialise with them...but they're not really my friends. He'd be mortified if I ever spoke about our relationship to anyone, he's very private (Hence my anonymous post).

I help out with his hobby which often take up weekends, he's planned for us to go stay at his friends over the summer but when I suggested we went to visit my sister & family and stay there for a few days he ranted and raved about he doesn't think we should make an effort if they don't. They don't visit us because I've discouraged their visits in case he's not in a good mood. He hasn't attended any of my family functions or seen my family for a few years now.

Planning holidays I'm always aware that a few weeks before he'll have an episode and say he's not going...although he always has.

Workwise I work full time and earn £1300 a month, he's gradually cut down his hours so he can pursue his hobby to try and make a living out of it. Not sure what he earns to be honest but I reckon it's now about £800 a month from his job and an extra £200 or so a month from his hobby (but this is up and down and not regular). He gives me £300 a month housekeeping and I pay all mortgage, bills, food etc so my contribution is about £700. I pay for all holidays and most of household goods. We each pay our own credit cards, and running our own cars. Does this seem fair? He says he gives me what he can and I suppose I earn more so should pay more. I'd love to cut down my hours but can't as who would pay the bills? I feel like I'm taking up the shortfall so he can work 2.5 days a week. He can be incredibly generous though and buy me a nice present out of the blue.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, decorating even though he has much more 'at home' time. (DD & BF help a bit). He has done the big jobs over the years installed new bathroom, mended cars etc but this seems to have tailed off recently and there's things need doing in the house which he's aware of but he jokes he does things when he's ready. I do the things I can but if it's beyond my capabilities I have to rely on him, when he's ready.

The latest mood swing is typical and stems from a couple of pieces of broken garden furniture and some lengths of wood which have been hanging around in the garden for weeks. I tidied the garden over Bank Holiday and asked if we could take the rubbish to the dump the next day. Next day he got up incredibly early as he doesn't sleep well sometimes, watched TV and then fell asleep as he'd got up so early. So I packed my car with the rubbish and came in to say I was going to take it to the dump.

He was furious I'd done it on my own and not waited for him. We drove to the dump and I tried to make conversation but it was obvious he was in a foul mood. It took all of 30mins in total and we got back, he went to bed in a mood and slept the rest of the day. He then was in a mood for few days, not talking to me. And then expected everything to be fine as the usual routine. But I told him I was fed up of it and exhausted with it. We're not talking and we're living in separate rooms at the moment.

I love him so much and in his own way I know he adores me. We've been through some incredibly hard times together. The thought of uprooting, selling the house, living alone, telling DD fills me with dread. If I do give up on our relationship I feel I've wasted so many years. I just do't know what to do :-(

I'm so sorry for the long post, I don't know who to turn to. I'm sure he'd paint a different picture of our relationship and there must be things that I do that annoy him, but I honestly don't think I'm difficult to live with. Don't really have moods, work hard, not high maintenance, don't spend much on myself, try to keep myself looking halfway decent. Any advice on whether to keep fighting for this relationship and how to go about it seeing as I'm knackered! or am I flogging a dead horse?

weathergurl

Good grief thats a long post, sorry!

Feel a bit better getting it all off my chest though

msb5262

I'm really sorry but I think you've answered the question yourself...if you have to ask, "Is my relationship worth saving?" then it's probably not.

You sound as if you've come to the end of the line, one way and another. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back - you need to move on from this.

whitewing

Is he okay about DD's boyfriend being there?

He may find there are too many people around for him to concentrate on his film, and may feel that he is not getting the opportunity to work to bring in the money that he feels capable of earning.

weathergurl

Yes he gets on well with DD's BF, they're both quite nerdy and talk technical together. He did have a row with DD caused by a mood swing a few months back and she ended up in tears, that was awkward for her BF. I was at work, when I'm around I would have tried to deflect that argument. I'm a bit better at spotting the 'signs' than she is.

He cut down his hours to pursue his hobby about 3 years ago so it's not a recently thing. He has the loft as his studio and also has pretty much taken over the living room for storing stuff. We tend to live in the dining room.

weathergurl

msb5262 wrote: »

I'm really sorry but I think you've answered the question yourself...if you have to ask, "Is my relationship worth saving?" then it's probably not. You sound as if you've come to the end of the line, one way and another. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back - you need to move on from this.

Thanks, I just wanted an outsider's input as I don't know if this is normal life? I know day to day living isn't a bed of roses, and that you have to work at relationships, so am getting worn down by life in general or is his behaviour odd?

podperson

Does he seem to realise that his moods are a problem or does he just see it as 'normal' and everyone else should work round him? Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about how upset it makes you? He may have no idea that you're at the stage of wanting to leave and if he does love you then it's possible it may give him the kick to try and get some help or see his GP about the possibility of it being a mental health issue. If he refuses to admit there's a problem though then there's probably little you can do

weathergurl

He acknowledges he has mood swings and deep down I think he knows they're out of all proportion to the situation. But depending on what mood he's in, he can convince himself (and me) that they're caused by something I've done, DD's done, a friend has done etc.

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

I do find it v difficult to talk to him as I'm so used to trying not to rock the boat. He's physically enormous and does martial arts. He's v intimidating and although he's not violent to me, I know he can be violent when he loses it with others.

balletshoes

Has he always been like this?
i think part of the issue may be that you have distanced yourself from family and close friends over the years and so you rely on your home life more. maybe its time to reconnect with your family and attempt to do so with your close friends too? theres no rule says they have to get on with your OH or vice versa or that you have have your OH tag along with you.

Mojisola

weathergurl wrote: »

I'm constantly walking on eggshells making sure I don't say the wrong thing and trying to keep his life as smooth as possible to ward off his mood.

weathergurl wrote: »

He acknowledges he has mood swings and deep down I think he knows they're out of all proportion to the situation. But depending on what mood he's in, he can convince himself (and me) that they're caused by something I've done, DD's done, a friend has done etc.

He'd never go the GP or counselling about it, never ever, he'd see it as a public admission that he's wrong or caused the problem.

I do find it v difficult to talk to him as I'm so used to trying not to rock the boat. He's physically enormous and does martial arts. He's v intimidating and although he's not violent to me, I know he can be violent when he loses it with others.

As soon as someone talks about "walking on eggshells" in their own home, you know there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. When you add in your last post, the writing would on the wall for me.

Your home should be a place of safety and refuge, not a place where you're always in the wrong and anxious about every word you say or thing you do.

People do have problems and a partner shouldn't walk away at the first sign of trouble but, if after 25 years, he's still not taking responsibility for his own actions, he's never going to.

Do you really want to be living this life for another 25 years?

BitterAndTwisted

weathergurl wrote: »

I don't have many close friends, it's always been difficult socialising with BF as his mood swings often coincided with social events. He's fallen out with all his family and quite a few of his long time friends. He's fallen out with my closest friend so that's awkward.

So, how much more isolation are you able to stand? When he's finally got rid of all of your own family and friends so there's no-one left?

The walking-on-eggshells would have driven me away a long time ago but I'm not you.