How to help SD transition into adulthood

Ballabriggs

I hear what you are saying Eric's mum, but she's not going to do anything. In terms of talking to her about the situation and trying to get a way forward to help SD, DH can't even get his Ex to come to the phone if he calls to talk to her, she just ignores him or tells the girls to say she's too busy. If he knocks on the door she won't come to the door or is out when he's arranged to pick the girls up. Letters and emails go unanswered. It feels a bit like 'you provide the Child Maintenance and that's it. Other than that I don't want to interact with you'. If DH was a wife beating, two headed monster I might understand but he really isn't and has never done anything to warrant being ignored. He has never, ever missed a CM payment, regularly sees the girls and phones them all the time. I'd be on his case if he did!

I don't want to get into he said - she said thing, because that is the past and the important thing right now is moving forward.

It might be a 'mother's job' but it isn't happening!

belfastgirl23

The poor girl is obviously trying really hard (and in all the wrong ways!) to get her dad's attention. How much time has she had with him on her own, without you or her sister there? Or is her behaviour effectively driving him away from spending time alone with her?

The trouble is that in trying to change her you're almost going to reinforce the behaviour that you're trying to change. She is feeling insecure and needy and is therefore reverting to childhood behaviours (how much more needy can you get than wanting to hold hands or cuddle). And by pointing out her flaws alas you're only likely to make her more insecure and needy.

Is there any way he could spend some one on one time with her? Ideally in a more grown up environment, I get the point about not taking her to work but what about an art gallery, coffee shop, even looking round her university choices and observing/commenting on how students are acting and what kind of behaviour she could model etc. Could he reinforce how she's growing up, make sure she knows he values her and cares for her and is looking forward to seeing what kind of young woman she grows into? Honestly I think by sitting her down and talking to her directly you will scare the life out of her. This sounds like such a defence/attention seeking mechanism that I think it will take cleverer tactics.

It's great that you are watching out for her but watch out for yourself also, with the best will in the world you are the rival for her dad's attention and this will be even more the case if/when a baby comes along. She needs reassured that she matters to him. I think he needs to find a way to do this, ideally before your situation changes and before she goes off to university. My feeling is that in this case the best thing you can do is try to give them some time alone.

I know this might not be what others think but I'm thinking back to my own experiences with parental divorce. I didn't react in this way but I do recall feeling the need to know I was important and my dad was really not good at showing this. And I know I can still feel that he somehow owes me more despite my mature age I've been lucky enough to have a stepmother who totally gets this and is happy to disappear when necessary. And I really admire her for it!

Ballabriggs

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The poor girl is obviously trying really hard (and in all the wrong ways!) to get her dad's attention. How much time has she had with him on her own, without you or her sister there? Or is her behaviour effectively driving him away from spending time alone with her?

The trouble is that in trying to change her you're almost going to reinforce the behaviour that you're trying to change. She is feeling insecure and needy and is therefore reverting to childhood behaviours (how much more needy can you get than wanting to hold hands or cuddle). And by pointing out her flaws alas you're only likely to make her more insecure and needy. This has been tried for the first few years, with no effect. He tried just spending 'quality time' with her, as a qualified swimming coach he did sessions with her to help her improve, nothing changed.

Is there any way he could spend some one on one time with her? Ideally in a more grown up environment, I get the point about not taking her to work but what about an art gallery, coffee shop, even looking round her university choices and observing/commenting on how students are acting and what kind of behaviour she could model etc. He has done this on repeated occasions, he has spent one-on-one time with her, walked round uni's with her, he even took her on her own to his old uni to try to encourage her, once again her behaviour was not good when he tried to introduce her to one of his old tutors (DH did his degree late in life.


Could he reinforce how she's growing up, make sure she knows he values her and cares for her and is looking forward to seeing what kind of young woman she grows into? We've tried this as well, he's tried to encourage her and praise her in her achievements and talk about how she's going to grow up into a bright lovely young lady. No effect.


Honestly I think by sitting her down and talking to her directly you will scare the life out of her. This is about the only thing we have not tried!

This sounds like such a defence/attention seeking mechanism that I think it will take cleverer tactics.

It's great that you are watching out for her but watch out for yourself also, with the best will in the world you are the rival for her dad's attention and this will be even more the case if/when a baby comes along. She needs reassured that she matters to him. I think he needs to find a way to do this, ideally before your situation changes and before she goes off to university. My feeling is that in this case the best thing you can do is try to give them some time alone. For the first 3 years, I spent only a very short amount of time with her as I felt it was very important that they have 'father-daughter' time alone. Of course, her sister was there too, but there's not much I could do about that. Because of only limited time available it would upset one if the other got too much time alone, so like all siblings they had to learn to share him! I honestly stayed very much out of the way

I know this might not be what others think but I'm thinking back to my own experiences with parental divorce. I didn't react in this way but I do recall feeling the need to know I was important and my dad was really not good at showing this. And I know I can still feel that he somehow owes me more despite my mature age I've been lucky enough to have a stepmother who totally gets this and is happy to disappear when necessary. And I really admire her for it!

For what it's worth, I was also a child of divorce so I was very aware of the time they needed to spend together. He has done this a lot but looking back perhaps he has done this too much and she is not willing to let go of that time and 'share' him. Problem is that time moves on and people have to change and develop as well. I still encourage him to spend days with them without me but her behaviour doesn't get any better. If she's not jealous of me, then she's vying with her sister for his attention. Her sister is much younger than her and by rights, should also be allowed to have time with her dad or even, dare I say it hold his hand!!

DevilsAdvocate1

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Just a bit more background on the situation, her mum refuses to speak to OH about anything. Trying to get her to return a phone call is nye on impossible so there's no way we're going to be able to work with her mother to get her any professional support without taking her ourselves, but then it would be near where we live and not near her so wouldn't be of much help. Her mother doesn't seem to think there are any problems with her behaviour at all. Maybe she doesn't behave like this around her mum? that's a possibility.

OH has sat her down and had a chat with her about speaking in an adult voice etc, but it just doesn't seem to sink in. He keeps trying and after taking her to work is frustrated and more worried about her development.

Has anyone else had this problem? did it resolve itself over time?

As a step mum its really difficult to know what to do. I know what I would do if I were her mum, but I'm not.

I do this when I am nervous. I wasn't really aware of it until maybe 5 or 6 years ago and I am now 44. I was an only child and my mum nagged me to death, so I had absolutely no confidence. For me, it was a way of hiding myself when I had to speak to someone I did not want to speak to. I was also one of those children who NEVER spoke at school.

Going away to university really helped me and I remember coming home for the summer and feeling so confident. Surprisingly, I am now a very outgoing person and I am sure no one would realise that I have confidence issues. I am married with three children and have my own business. So it definitely hasn't held me back.

This morning, I needed to ask someone to do something for me and I heard my baby voice, so consciously deepened it. Perhaps its now a habit?

Jinx

Its not quite the same thing but my daughter went through a spell of sitting on my exhusbands lap when she was about 13. I didn't think it was appropriate and asked him not to allow it and I had a chat with her around boundaries and appropriate behaviour. Maybe your husband needs to do this again. Also the girly voice, ask her to repeat in a normal voice before you'll respond. Like you do with a small child, explain, repeat, repeat, repeat until its learned.

Obviously hugs should not be withdrawn just the lap sitting and stupid behaviour in public.

Dunroamin

Do you think that she actually wants to go to university? Perhaps she thinks that if she acts so young, her parents will decide she's not ready.

geoffky

Jesus this is in the too hard column.

Ballabriggs

Its been a while and nothing has really changed. SD shows glimmers of more mature behaviour and then goes straight back to being immature. Her dad is now recognising that she is quite a way behind the curve. She seems to take a step forward and then goes back again. I'm hoping that the prospect of going off to Uni might give her the motivation to start maturing.

On a tangent, I need to have a mini rant! SD is turning 18 very soon and is apparently having driving lessons now. Turns out that her mum has bought her a car as a surprise for her birthday. I know I sound really bitter saying this but her mum has been pleading poverty for so long and now all of a sudden buys a car out of the blue?! I know its none of my business but I feel really peeved off and can't say anything to anyone! I'm angry that she seems to think that we should be giving her money to dish out to the Skids so that she can be the good guy!! When DH informed her that the child maintenance would go down soon because of SD (potentially) going to Uni she asked why we wouldn't want to continue to maintain their lifestyle that they'd become accustom to??? We could barely afford to buy jewellery for her birthday (a pair of really lovely diamond earrings), we've paying above and beyond the maintenance we should have for years.

It baffles me that SD would have the confidence to drive a car on her own from how I've seen her behave. I'm starting to think that maybe we're the only ones she acts immature with?

I know I sound like a mean and bitter Step mum and I really don't like feeling like this but I'm only human ;-)

whitewing

Yes you are human and it takes the patience of a saint to deal with children sometimes, let alone other family members.

She's probably got the car purely for practical reasons, so try not to be too upset.

You will never know the full details or full decision making processes, so try to see it as something positive and let go of the perfectly-understandable resentment.

Good to see glimpses of maturity. I am sure the car will help with that.

LondonDiva

Ballabriggs wrote: »

When DH informed her that the child maintenance would go down soon because of SD (potentially) going to Uni she asked why we wouldn't want to continue to maintain their lifestyle that they'd become accustom to???

Will the difference or any money be going to support SD at Uni or are you and OH planning to support only the younger daughter, leaving the ex-wife to maintain / support SD?

Even if SD is going to be expected to get a job etc to put herself through uni, there needs to be a joint discussion with her by both parents so expectations are clear (just as they would / should in a two parent household.