How to help SD transition into adulthood

FatVonD

katy721 wrote: »

For example, on a weekend you know she will be staying at yours, you or OH 'surprise' the other one with a night away for the pair of you?

Totally disagree with this, way to make the girl feel unwanted!

OP, how old was she when her parents split/you and your OH get together? It sounds to me like it happened at a fairly crucial stage of development and she's stuck in a bit of an Oedipal rut and acting child like is her way of holding onto her dad, (if she's sitting on his lap/holding his hand then you can't!)

peachyprice

Ballabriggs wrote: »

Next time she's over I'll ask about the brand of tampons/pads she uses in a casual way, that's a good idea. If I can get a straight answer, that will at least let us know if physiologically everything is ok.

That it a really good idea, both for finding out if she is menstruating and as good way to get around to talking about life away from home, you can ask her her preferred brands of things like toiletries, soap powder, loo roll, condiments etc., under the premise that if she ever needs anything you can order it online and have it delivered to her at uni. [/quote]

If they have spoken to her mum there is no way she'd ever tell us. I think its a case of they've probably got other kids with bigger problems so she's maybe slipping through the net a bit. I know that two of the uni's she applied for rejected her following the interview, so I think that her demeanour has been picked up on by some.

I know at DS's college they don't put any personal concerns on the online profile that parents can see, if she's spoken to her tutor it will be confidential to protect the young adult.

Ballabriggs

She was 10 years old when her parents divorced. She was 13 when i married her dad.

Just had a heart-to-heart with OH about the situation. Brought up a lot of points raised here. He agrees that there is something off but feels helpless about what to do. He said that when he tries to talk to her or tell her that her behaviour isn't appropriate then she just clams up and doesn't say anything. Then the next time he sees her she goes right back to her normal behaviour. He just doesn't know what to do that will stick.

FatVonD

Ballabriggs wrote: »

She was 10 years old when her parents divorced. She was 13 when i married her dad.

That is supposedly the age range when kids find marriage break ups the hardest which would explain why there are no problems with her younger sister.

It's ages since I read about all this but in order for them to develop healthy adult relationships of their own the child needs to lose the battle for their opposite-sex parent and it needs to be done firmly but more importantly gently by that parent.

All very freudian, I will google to see if I can find something that explains it better!

Edit: Electra complex in girls and Jungian, not Freudian, apparently!

Wyre

The big change in career...could she have found out you were trying for a baby accidently and it has triggered more 'I'm your little girl' type behaviour?

Molly41

I do think u are over analysing some small issues - my DD (20) loves a cuddle on the sofa with her mum and calls her dad a fond name not dissimilar to your SD's name for her dad.

It does sound like she has an eating disorder and obviously that will need addressing. You will be surprised the difference a couple of years makes to her development. My DD was very immature at 18 but is now ready for uni at 21 and is now going this year. I am much more confident in her ability to cope.

Mojisola

Ballabriggs wrote: »

She acts like a little girl rather than a young lady. Her sister is 14 and is on the whole waaaay more adult than her.

Examples, she'll talk in a high squeeky baby voice, giggle nervously whenever she's in a conversation, she tries to sit on my husbands lap when we are watching a film, dresses very young and calls my OH by a baby name in text messages, phone conversations and so on.

My husband and I were talking about this the other day and it turns out that even when I'm not around she still acts like this. He took her into his workplace because she wants to go into the same job when she graduates, so he thought he would introduce her to people that she could potentially work with. He introduced her to one very nice person who tried to talk to her and she completely went into little girl mode, he said he felt embarrassed (please don't be too harsh on him for feeling like this about his daughter, he didn't say anything to her, just kept his thoughts inside). He was really shocked at her demeanour in the workplace.

He has in the past tried to talk to her about her behaviour and how she should interact as a young lady. He doesn't let her sit on his lap in front of the TV, even though she keeps trying and he has to politely yet firmly tell her no (i've said to him don't embarrass her just be nice and firm), if we sit next to each other on the sofa she'll want to be there with us on the same sofa, which is a bit cramped to say the least! He talks to her in an adult manner but she just doesn't seem to be responding to it and keeps going back into baby mode. She just doesn't seem to want to grow up - even her sister sometimes makes fun of her about it. She just doesn't seem to want to grow up at all.

Molly41 wrote: »

I do think u are over analysing some small issues - my DD (20) loves a cuddle on the sofa with her mum and calls her dad a fond name not dissimilar to your SD's name for her dad.

I don't think they are small issues - an 17 year old who thinks it's normal to try to sit on Dad's lap and talk in a baby voice (especially when Dad has to keep telling her not to) is not acting her age! If she thinks it's appropriate to behave in "baby mode" to her father's colleague in the workplace, she's way of course.

Ballabriggs

I agree with Mojisola, I don't think they are small issues, especially when they are all added together. That's why I'm asking for help, although I'm not sure what really can be done just from our end without her mother providing reinforcement her end, especially on the eating issue front.

Having had a heart to heart with DH this morning, he said that I wasn't saying anything that he wasn't already worried about. He just feels powerless to do anything. My heart goes out to him, on the one hand he really wants to enjoy spending the time he has with them, but on the other hand he feels that he should guide them more, which would mean being more firmer and not 'happy fun dad' all the time. I think SD might have sensed this struggle, which is why nothing sticks when he tries to address it and we're back to square one the next time he sees her. She just clams up, ignores what he says and does the same behaviour the next time he sees her.

sulkisu

Is there a way of having her formally assessed? It does sound like some sort of emotional or psychological disorder and while many of the previous suggestions (discussing personal things with her, teaching her how to cook, clean etc.) will probably work in someone who perhaps just needs to grow up a little, if there is an underlying problem they probably won't work and the problem may only get worse. If you put all of her behaviours together, there may well be a recognised condition that she has, which can be treated or at least managed.

Good luck anyway, this is a tough one.

ERICS_MUM

I know you said that her mum says there's nothing wrong but I think she needs to get involved in this "problem" and support/get help for SD. Sorry to sound old-fashioned but I feel it's a mother's "job" , obviously with input from her dad.