How to help SD transition into adulthood

Ballabriggs

My SD is 18 very soon and is off to University in Sep this year. She has done really well in her exams (so far - knock on wood!) and is working really hard in the run up to her finals. We are keeping everything crossed for this final hurdle. On the whole she is a good kid, polite and well mannered but there is one thing that is really letting her down - her demeanour. She acts like a little girl rather than a young lady. Her sister is 14 and is on the whole waaaay more adult than her. Examples, she'll talk in a high squeeky baby voice, giggle nervously whenever she's in a conversation, she tries to sit on my husbands lap when we are watching a film, dresses very young and calls my OH by a baby name in text messages, phone conversations and so on. I know I sound like I'm being picky but honestly its been picked up on by OH, her sister and other members of the family. Even though her dad and I have been together for 8 years, I thought that maybe she was just still nervous being around me, so I made an extra effort to show interest in her, asked her all about her life, what's happening with her, cooked her fav food, made jokes, anything I could think off to make her comfortable - but nothing has changed.

My husband and I were talking about this the other day and it turns out that even when I'm not around she still acts like this. He took her into his workplace because she wants to go into the same job when she graduates, so he thought he would introduce her to people that she could potentially work with. He introduced her to one very nice person who tried to talk to her and she completely went into little girl mode, he said he felt embarrassed (please don't be too harsh on him for feeling like this about his daughter, he didn't say anything to her, just kept his thoughts inside). He was really shocked at her demeanour in the workplace.

He has in the past tried to talk to her about her behaviour and how she should interact as a young lady. He doesn't let her sit on his lap in front of the TV, even though she keeps trying and he has to politely yet firmly tell her no (i've said to him don't embarrass her just be nice and firm), if we sit next to each other on the sofa she'll want to be there with us on the same sofa, which is a bit cramped to say the least! He talks to her in an adult manner but she just doesn't seem to be responding to it and keeps going back into baby mode. She just doesn't seem to want to grow up - even her sister sometimes makes fun of her about it. She just doesn't seem to want to grow up at all.

I have another concern which is really difficult to broach, I think she may have an eating disorder which isn't being acknowledged. She is really skinny, I mean a gust of wind would knock her over, she is very, very picky about what she eats (salad for breakfast!) and will only drink water nothing else. She has no boobs or hips and is just not developing into a woman. I am worried and I have gently broached the subject with OH, but he feels powerless to do anything. Her mother won't even speak to OH let alone discuss concerns with him.

OH is now deeply worried about how she is going to get on at Uni. She has admitted to OH that her current friends have left her behind because she is not into the same things they are. She doesn't like the same things they are such as music, socialising etc. Her sister comments on how she doesn't go out and just studies all the time. I think she's using academics to hide from the world.

Her mum doesn't see any issues in the way she is so isn't encouraging her to become a young lady, so any effect we could have on her is lost in between the times we see her.

I know some might say what are you complaining about, a teenager who is polite and studies all the time - that's like rocking horse doo-doo! but there is just something off and I really want to know if there is anything in your experience that we could do to help her.

RAS

Hi

So she refuses to let her body develop into an adult one and she behaves like a child when she meets people?

There is not going to be an easy fix for this, at all.

aridjis

She has a few emotional problems, by the sounds of things. Does she live with you or with her mother? I think she might be a bit vulnerable going off to university alone, are the unis she's applying for very far away from you?

claire16c

This does not sound normal at all, I think you need professional help. But if she's moving to uni that could be tricky.

heartbreak_star

I do wonder whether she's stuck in childhood.

Have you been able to talk to her about becoming an adult - even if it's about budgeting etc? Is she scared of adulthood?

Has she ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend? (unsure of sexuality!)

EDIT: I certainly agree it's a job for the professionals though - she needs some help.

HBS x

SavingPennies_2

Is she going away to Uni? Id be suprised from what you say that she would want to leave home. It could be very tough for her...on the other hand it could actually be the making of her so it's not necessarily something to discourage (not that you said you are).

lazer

I was a bit like this at 17ish - never really went out, wasn't interested in fashion, dressed in whatever was comfortable etc.

My parents kept encouraging me to go out, but I just didn't want to and i would sit with my parents on the sofa and watch TV (and yes sometimes I would by lying on the sofa with my head on my mums lap!)

Looking back I amsure my parents worried about me, but I have turned out alright and matured (If you coould ever call be mature!) when i was ready too which was later than my classmates.

The summer before I started university I changed (at least in my imagination this is when I grew up) for a few reasons

1) My Granny was dying and my mum was at her house a lot so I was expected to be more grown up and take responsibiliy

2) I had a part time job in a shop and at the start of that summer all the other staff were sacked and I was basically managing the shop all summer long - stock, rota's bank everything so i gained confidence and TBH it is lack of confidence that causes the nervous giggles etc.
There was also a girl who worked with me who was a few years younger and we started going out to the local club some weekends and although i was 2 years older we were both the same maturity.

I went of to university happy as anything and made new friends and enjoyed student life.

At 30, I am now an accountant, happily married with my own house.

Whatever you do - do not push her into growing up - it just makes it more difficult.

Does she have a part time job or anything - it worth me worth looking in to some situations where she has to be responsible and things to help her confidence?

Ballabriggs

Thank you for your replies. I completely agree that she has some emotional issues, how to tackle it is going to be the problem.

She doesn't live with us, she lives with her sister, mum and her boyfriend. She has never to our knowledge expressed any interest in boyfriends or girlfriends, she seems to be completely ASexual at the moment. however, I know you're not likely to talk about romantic interests with your dad at this age so its not something we've really noticed up to now! It wouldn't matter to us which way she goes as long as she goes somewhere!! I feel sad that she is missing out on the whole 'young love' first crush, teenage thing. Her sister is much more involved in this, she told me all about the boys she likes and who is 'cool'! I think Justin Beiber came up in the conversation a few times. All normal stuff.

She is planning to go away to university, she has the choice of one right near her mum's house and one further away. I don't think the reality of living away from home has dawned on her yet, at the moment its just on paper.

I am 99% sure she's going to take the one near her mum's house and then go home every weekend, but tbh I think as much as it would be a source of support for her, I don't think it will allow her to grow up into adulthood and might prevent her making good friends at Uni, further isolating her. I seem to remember from my uni days that it was at the weekends you went out and did fun stuff with your mates, thereby deepening friendships.

It's so difficult to know what to do because as far as everyone is concerned her academics make her perfect, but there is a lot more going on than meets the eye.

RAS

All you are really going to be able to do is to be there is you are needed.

On a practical note, can you spend a bit of time checking whether she knows how to cook, shop, do the laundry? And teaching her if needs be? Even just encouraging her to help cook meals when she is with you?

Ballabriggs

lazer wrote: »

I was a bit like this at 17ish - never really went out, wasn't interested in fashion, dressed in whatever was comfortable etc.

My parents kept encouraging me to go out, but I just didn't want to and i would sit with my parents on the sofa and watch TV (and yes sometimes I would by lying on the sofa with my head on my mums lap!)

Looking back I amsure my parents worried about me, but I have turned out alright and matured (If you coould ever call be mature!) when i was ready too which was later than my classmates.

The summer before I started university I changed (at least in my imagination this is when I grew up) for a few reasons

1) My Granny was dying and my mum was at her house a lot so I was expected to be more grown up and take responsibiliy

2) I had a part time job in a shop and at the start of that summer all the other staff were sacked and I was basically managing the shop all summer long - stock, rota's bank everything so i gained confidence and TBH it is lack of confidence that causes the nervous giggles etc.
There was also a girl who worked with me who was a few years younger and we started going out to the local club some weekends and although i was 2 years older we were both the same maturity.

I went of to university happy as anything and made new friends and enjoyed student life.

At 30, I am now an accountant, happily married with my own house.

Whatever you do - do not push her into growing up - it just makes it more difficult.

Does she have a part time job or anything - it worth me worth looking in to some situations where she has to be responsible and things to help her confidence?

Thanks Lazer. I can completely see where you are coming from. If it was just not going out then it really wound't be a problem. That would be a normal teenage phase in many ways, staying up in your room. Its more the really immature way she relates to people, baby voice, etc. coupled with the eating behaviour just sets some alarm bells off.

A job would have been a perfect way of easing into the adult world, completely agree. OH tried to encourage her to get a job and she came up with so many excuses, many of which were just ludicrous. She wouldn't entertain the notion because it would interfere with her school work as well.

Ballabriggs

RAS wrote: »

All you are really going to be able to do is to be there is you are needed.

On a practical note, can you spend a bit of time checking whether she knows how to cook, shop, do the laundry? And teaching her if needs be? Even just encouraging her to help cook meals when she is with you?

this is a really good point. For a long time she was expecting DH to do everything when she visited, to the point that if they were at someone's house and she didn't like what they were serving he would rush out to the shop to buy something she'd eat. I put my foot down on this behaviour (DH's!) as it wasn't appropriate and was rude to the host. When she's at our house she's expected to get her own breakfast, which was a bit surprising for her at first but she's got the hang of it. She can do all of these things she just makes herself helpless at times. When she's with us she won't leave DH's side, which I could understand if she were a child but not as a older teenager/young adult.