How to help SD transition into adulthood

Ballabriggs

daisiegg wrote: »

.....I had this concern as well

You aren't the first to raise this concern. I've been looking back and trying to pinpoint when this all this started. Tbh she has always had an issue with food since I've known her and before the boyfriend moved in or was even on the scene. The incident with running out to get alternative food when round at another person's house happened when she was much younger (12/13 years old). She has always been really clingy with OH, wanting to be his little girl over and above her sister.

Many of these signs were there when she was younger and OH has got better in dealing with them, but she hasn't really changed or matured as she should have done. I think her default position is as a little girl.

meeps

My dad moved out when I was 7, and I saw him infrequently, I think looking back I was clingy and childish and still called him daddy, probably up to 17 or so. I figured I missed out on that natural pre teen development stage, if that makes any sense. Anyway, my dad said I 'blossomed' at 6th form, I think more down to getting a boyfriend.

It does sound like uni might be a bit sink or swim for her, but if she has people looking out for her wellbeing to save her from drowning, as it were, it could be the making of her.

tayforth

Callie22 wrote: »

I rather suspect it might be the latter. One of my flatmates at university was quite seriously anorexic and behaved in very similar ways to the OPs step daughter. She really, really couldn't cope with uni and looking after herself and ended up relapsing quite badly at the end of her first year. The problem was that her childish behaviour looked a lot more abnormal when she got to uni and people just didn't have the patience for it. That combined with her disordered eating made it very difficult for her to fit in. She ended up quite alone, despite everyone's best efforts, and that allowed her eating disorder to really spiral out of hand. It was really sad to watch.

I think it's a hard subject to broach but I really think that it sounds like the OPs step daughter needs some professional help before she leaves home. If nothing else, that kind of 'kiddy' behaviour could be totally misinterpreted by some blokes and it could end up getting her into some unpleasant situations once she's away from people who know her. I suspect that she might crumble when it actually comes to leaving for uni but it really does sound like there's something quite seriously off tangent in her emotional development and I'd question whether it's appropriate for her to be leaving home at all - it sounds like it might crush her at the moment.

I knew a girl like that at university, baby voice, the lot. We all thought that she was a total head wrecker. She alienated everyone because she came across really badly and had no boundaries.

OP - drinking only water isn't a concern. But everything else is. It sounds like she's been like this since the divorce, and hasn't matured properly. I don't know what to advise, but I'd be very worried about how she'll cope away from her parents.

tayforth

meeps wrote: »

My dad moved out when I was 7, and I saw him infrequently, I think looking back I was clingy and childish and still called him daddy, probably up to 17 or so. I figured I missed out on that natural pre teen development stage, if that makes any sense. Anyway, my dad said I 'blossomed' at 6th form, I think more down to getting a boyfriend.

It does sound like uni might be a bit sink or swim for her, but if she has people looking out for her wellbeing to save her from drowning, as it were, it could be the making of her.

I never stopped calling my dad 'daddy', that's not weird IMHO.

securityguy

meeps wrote: »

It does sound like uni might be a bit sink or swim for her, but if she has people looking out for her wellbeing

In first year student accommodation? Who?

ERICS_MUM

Could she be uncomfortable with her mother's boyfriend ? I know when my ex sister-in-law re married her teenage daughters really did not like an adult man who was not their dad being around when they were in their pajamas, chatting to mum about girlie things, having their undies on the washing line etc.

I don't mean that there could be anything "untoward" but perhaps she feels safer as a child in that household. OR could she feel attracted to him and this young girl demeanour be her defence mechanism ?

Sorry for the amateur psychology and I might be completely wrong, but just something to be considered ?

barbiedoll

Could it be a physical cause, i.e. is she just a late developer? My son is entering puberty relatively late compared to some of his friends, he is small for his age, very skinny (although so am I) and he can still be quite childish in his mannerisms and behaviour. On the plus side, he still loves his mum and dad and his moods aren't too bad yet!

Has she started her periods yet? If so, did they start later than other girls? (her sister for example). It may be worth having a chat with a GP, if your OH could ask her if she would see a doctor, maybe for some blood tests or a bone x-ray to determine her "body age" compared to her actual age. The eating "disorder" may just be an attention-seeking thing, I daresay her parents' divorce hit her hard and she may be playing your OH, taking his attention away from you and her sister.

There's obviously something going on, either physically or psychologically, you need to try to find out which. I do agree with the poster who said that she may be vunerable to the attention of a certain type of boy, my stepdaughter used to play the "silly little girl", which didn't work out so well when she ended up living with an abusive boyfriend, who now has an injunction against him to prevent him coming near her.

For that reason alone, I'm not sure that university away from home is a good idea right now.

meeps

securityguy wrote: »

In first year student accommodation? Who?

Sorry I meant the op and the dad, assuming they'd stay in contact.

Also apologies for generalising about 'all' pre teens changing from daddy to dad. I don't often chip in to threads but aspects of the op struck a chord.

Pixiechic

How often does she stay at yours?

How often will she stay at yours once she has started uni?

Savvy_Sue

RAS wrote: »

On a practical note, can you spend a bit of time checking whether she knows how to cook, shop, do the laundry? And teaching her if needs be? Even just encouraging her to help cook meals when she is with you?

That's definitely worth doing.

Wyre wrote: »

The Dadda-Bear thing is nothing when taken alone. My nearly 21 year daughter calls me Mumma-Bear in messages and in person some times.

I agree, my little sis was always Daddy's girl and they had pet names for each other until he died.

Wyre wrote: »

I guess what you need to work out is a) is she eating ok? and b) how does she act when she isn't round her Dad?

I am not sure how to find out b) without it being sneaky.

Actually, there is a way, if Dad is quick. Does he get school reports etc? He has a right to. And he has a right to contact the school and talk to them about his concerns.

I also had a thought about the periods question, other than coming straight out and asking! OP, could you ask her if she needs you to get any towels / tampons / disposal bags to keep at your place, and which brands does she prefer? You know, just casual like when you're writing the shopping list ...