How to help SD transition into adulthood

Savvy_Sue

Ah, work suggestion too: is there any chance she could do a short term placement (even unpaid) with DH over the summer, if it's a field she's interested in? Would that give her a chance to spend more time with you and her dad as well, perhaps allowing for expressions of concern / registering with a local GP / getting some professional help.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Hey, just read page one and had a thought. Someone mentioned that it would be good to make sure she knows about practical things like how to cook for herself for when she goes off to University. Make sure she knows about the facts of life as well because it sounds like she'll be a pretty easy target for people at univiersity if she's happy to act young and naive all the time. Make sure she's on the pill.

Person_one

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Actually, there is a way, if Dad is quick. Does he get school reports etc? He has a right to. And he has a right to contact the school and talk to them about his concerns.

If she's off to uni in September she's most likely already 18, she'll be in FE rather than 'school' even if her sixth form is within a school building.

Ballabriggs

Morning all, thanks for your feedback.

In terms of calling each other by pet names, I understand what you are saying, although DH doesn't call her by a pet name its purely one way (from SD to DH), does this change anything or is that still not a biggie?

I don't think DH would be too keen on getting SD a placement where he works over the summer after the last time he introduced her to one of his colleagues (see first post). DH also works as a contractor so his position isn't as solid as a full-time employee, I think he would be a bit nervous about anything going wrong.

Next time she's over I'll ask about the brand of tampons/pads she uses in a casual way, that's a good idea. If I can get a straight answer, that will at least let us know if physiologically everything is ok.

The more I reflect on it the more I think that it is an emotional issue. I think that her demeanour is very likely to attract the wrong kind of attention, without being cruel she has the word 'victim' stamped on her forehead and I would hate to see that happen to her. That said, there are times she can be manipulative so maybe it is all a big act to get attention. I think back to last bonfire night when the 3 of us, (DH, SD and myself) went to a fireworks display, I kid you not she was acting like a 6 year old, running around squeeling, bopping us with an inflatable toy she's won, demanding to hold DH's hand. It wasn't even like DH and I had started it or were even joining in!! It was embarrassing. I made an excuse to get a cup of tea because I thought I was going to snap and I am usually the patient one. I knew DH was not happy so I thought, I'd get out of the way and let him sort his daughter out. By the time I came back things had calmed down, but she was still acting like a little girl.

In some ways its sad because although SD really wants to be her dad's favourite, its actually youngest SD who he gets on well with. Even though she is only 14 you can sit and have a conversation with her, she'll say what's bothering her, you can chat in the kitchen whilst cooking, all the normal stuff. She's not perfect, no one is but she seems to have mastered the art of communication more effectively!

She is at FE college, DH has a login to the parents website. As far as they are concerned in the online reports because she spends a lot of time doing her homework and gets it in on time they think everything is ok. If they have spoken to her mum there is no way she'd ever tell us. I think its a case of they've probably got other kids with bigger problems so she's maybe slipping through the net a bit. I know that two of the uni's she applied for rejected her following the interview, so I think that her demeanour has been picked up on by some.

As a further point, we were hoping she'd make some new friends at FE college and maybe even get a boyfriend or girlfriend, but nothing seems to have happened. She doesn't seem to have many friends at all. We were really hoping that FE would help her blossom and be a practice run before going to Uni but it doesn't seem to have worked out that way.

Ballabriggs

One more thing whilst I think of it, her chosen subject at uni and her future profession is exactly the same as DH's, nothing wrong with that you might say. But up until last autumn she was saying that she wanted to go into a different profession, did all the research, was absolutely adamant that that was the path for her and then all of a sudden the switch. It wasn't due to work experience or any contact with this new profession which might have inspired her it was just all of a sudden a change. Previously she had said she didn't like her new chosen profession as it didn't interest her and then all of a sudden a big turn around. Now she's wanting DH to help her study, maybe work with her, and all the rest. I can't help but think that its a bit strange. Even DH was very surprised. I suspect she is doing it to be closed to her father, which isn't really how you pick your career in life (especially as he is due to leave the profession soon). If she had worked alongside him and was inspired through that I could understand it but this really was a bolt out of the blue.

Ballabriggs

Final thought before I let others type!!

DH and I are trying for a baby, unfortunately we suffer from recurrent miscarriage and have recently lost another one :-( SD doesn't know about any of this as we made a deal not to tell them until we'd got confirmation that it was a healthy viable pregnancy, but I am really worried about how she is going to react. I was hoping that she'd be off at uni with her friends having a whale of a time and that it wouldn't be an issue. Youngest SD will come out and say if she is bothered so we can talk about it all with her and make her feel secure. But the more time goes on the more I feel like the scenario with oldest SD isn't going to work and I'm worried how she is going to react. I really want her to be healthy and happy, and I so if I'm honest feel she needs to talk to a professional but there's no way this is going to happen. I just don't know how she will react. DH is very supportive and says we'll just deal with whatever happens but I don't feel so positive.

claire16c

Is there anyway your DH could get her to see a professional before she starts uni?

I wouldn't have dreamt of holding my Dads hand or stuff like that as a teenager, I'd have been mortified!

I think the last time I did anything like that was when I had a miscarriage myself and my Dad looked after me when my partner had to go back to work, so he took me to hospital etc so there were the usual father daughter hugs etc as I was very upset, but even then it's not like I would have held his hand in the street!

If you find out she hasn't started her periods due to her not eating properly then she definitely needs to see a dr. I can't believe the stuff she eats for breakfast my parents simply wouldn't have let me get away with that.

Wellyboots6

Only just caught up on this thread...

Is there any way you could start seeing how she will cope on her own at uni? For example, on a weekend you know she will be staying at yours, you or OH 'surprise' the other one with a night away for the pair of you? See how she reacts to having to stay at home alone?

Could you start putting things to one side for her for uni, old pans, bedding etc? Get her to wash and iron the bedding and pack it away. It may may the idea of going away more real for her and see how she reacts?

I know when I went to uni it was a shock to the system! I hadn't really thought about actually living away from home. In my head I was planning on coming home every weekend, ringing home regularly etc. In reality I couldn't afford to do this, and it was odd seeing the family moving on and getting on with things without me.

It was the best thing that happened to me regarding growing up, but I can see that someone in a more vulnerable position may struggle with feeling like they are missing out on family life, especially if you were to announce a pregnancy whilst she was away.

Could you mention the pill to her as part of uni preparations? Ask if she wants to get it sorted before she goes, does she want you to help her arrange a GP appointment etc?

Sorry, just random thoughts which I hope make sense!

Savvy_Sue

OK, so she's 18 and at FE college. However, chances are she has a tutor there, even if they won't talk to your DH, your DH can probably talk to them and express his concerns. They may not have picked up on these things, or they may have done so and be equally at a loss as to how to address them.

ecgirl07

When she visits make it as adult as possible. Dinner at a table with wine. No childish activities, she is 18 so take her to the local pub again have food and a wine.

Have a chat about alcohol and how a little can get you drunk if you dont eat much - if she has not done the usual teenage drinking thing and goes to a party at uni it could get very messy very quickly for her. Have a chat about "boys".

Give her a money budget challenge; use MSE for a statement of affairs: work out bills and outgoings against incomes.

Make her summer visits themed: things you need to know/do/be warned of to make a success of Uni!