How to help SD transition into adulthood

Heffi1

It is probably difficult, but as her step mum you may have an opportunity to ask those awkward questions that her mum and dad might be shy of asking.

Have you mentioned to her about the baby voice and the impression it gives, she may not be aware she is doing it, or she may be doing it on purpose in order to still be seen as a child by her dad, if that is the case then he needs to have a quiet chat with her away from anyone else and point out how inappropriate it is at her age.

Uni will either help her to grow up quickly and she will blossom, or set her back and eat at her confidence.

Does she eat properly when she is with you, or just mess about with her food, if there is an eating disorder going on, then some input from firstly the GP and then mental health services might be the way forward.

it is a delicate subject if eating disorder as it might be a control thing for her, a way of making her feel in control of her surroundings and not to be taken lightly at all.

Ballabriggs

Just a bit more background on the situation, her mum refuses to speak to OH about anything. Trying to get her to return a phone call is nye on impossible so there's no way we're going to be able to work with her mother to get her any professional support without taking her ourselves, but then it would be near where we live and not near her so wouldn't be of much help. Her mother doesn't seem to think there are any problems with her behaviour at all. Maybe she doesn't behave like this around her mum? that's a possibility.

OH has sat her down and had a chat with her about speaking in an adult voice etc, but it just doesn't seem to sink in. He keeps trying and after taking her to work is frustrated and more worried about her development.

Has anyone else had this problem? did it resolve itself over time?

As a step mum its really difficult to know what to do. I know what I would do if I were her mum, but I'm not.

Callie22

Heffi1 wrote: »

Uni will either help her to grow up quickly and she will blossom, or set her back and eat at her confidence.

I rather suspect it might be the latter. One of my flatmates at university was quite seriously anorexic and behaved in very similar ways to the OPs step daughter. She really, really couldn't cope with uni and looking after herself and ended up relapsing quite badly at the end of her first year. The problem was that her childish behaviour looked a lot more abnormal when she got to uni and people just didn't have the patience for it. That combined with her disordered eating made it very difficult for her to fit in. She ended up quite alone, despite everyone's best efforts, and that allowed her eating disorder to really spiral out of hand. It was really sad to watch.

I think it's a hard subject to broach but I really think that it sounds like the OPs step daughter needs some professional help before she leaves home. If nothing else, that kind of 'kiddy' behaviour could be totally misinterpreted by some blokes and it could end up getting her into some unpleasant situations once she's away from people who know her. I suspect that she might crumble when it actually comes to leaving for uni but it really does sound like there's something quite seriously off tangent in her emotional development and I'd question whether it's appropriate for her to be leaving home at all - it sounds like it might crush her at the moment.

aridjis

Ballabriggs wrote: »

this is a really good point. For a long time she was expecting DH to do everything when she visited, to the point that if they were at someone's house and she didn't like what they were serving he would rush out to the shop to buy something she'd eat.

oh my goodness!
I am not wanting to pry, and don't feel you need to give details on here, but I am wondering if her parents' divorce triggered off or influenced these unhealthy behaviours in her. Perhaps one or both parents felt guilt and as a consequence they overprotected her?

Heffi1 wrote: »

It is probably difficult, but as her step mum you may have an opportunity to ask those awkward questions that her mum and dad might be shy of asking.

possibly, but there's also the chance OP will be seen as the evil step-mum if she rocks the boat, so she needs to tread a bit carefully

RAS

Callie22 wrote: »

If nothing else, that kind of 'kiddy' behaviour could be totally misinterpreted by some blokes and it could end up getting her into some unpleasant situations once she's away from people who know her.

Actually that might work??

She is probably doing the kiddy behaviour to appear young and to avoid being "attractive" with all the implkication that has.

If dad explains that her behaviour could make her a target for perves, it might frighten her into modifying it?

Wyre

A hard situation.

I was just wondering does her mother act more child-like round the boyfriend? Does the mother have everything done for her by the boyfriend? In other words perhaps the SD has copied the way her mother behaves and hence why the mother doesn't see anything wrong with it.

CH27

Have you tried recording her voice on your mobile & letting her listen? That may shock her into changing it.
You could record everyone so she doesn't feel singled out or say you were playing with your phone.
I know i'm always shocked when I hear a recording of my voice as it sounds different to how I hear myself live.

Ballabriggs

It's hard to know how her mum acts. From what DH has said she certainly never acted that way when they were together so unless she has changed completely then I'm not sure.

Just as an aside, she puts 'Daddy Bear' in her texts to DH - is this ok? or am I just really over analysing this and there isn't an issue? I would NEVER have done this with my dad and we have always had a great relationship. I would have cringed at the thought of doing this at 18!!!

Ballabriggs

panagia wrote: »

oh my goodness!
I am not wanting to pry, and don't feel you need to give details on here, but I am wondering if her parents' divorce triggered off or influenced these unhealthy behaviours in her. Perhaps one or both parents felt guilt and as a consequence they overprotected her?


possibly, but there's also the chance OP will be seen as the evil step-mum if she rocks the boat, so she needs to tread a bit carefully

I think DH feels guilty about the divorce which is why he didn't really confront it early on (hence the fussiness with food issue). His view was the time he gets to spend with them is so precious he didn't want to ruin it by coming down heavy with them. I suspect this is common with divorced parents.

I told him to man up and be a parent, that he can't just have all the good times he has to guide her as well. This was a few years ago tbh and since he has improved a lot. When she tried to sit on his lap last time he dealt with it brilliantly, firmly but fairly (Inwardly I was punching the air and patting him on the back!). I really want him to have a healthy relationship with his kids, which IMHO is best for everyone all round, not one based on guilt or emotional manipulation.

cutestkids

I really think that she needs some kind of help sooner rather than later, she really does not sound as if she is ready to leave home anytime soon, perhaps a year out before Uni, getting a part time job and broadening her horizons a little would be beneficial to her.