How to help SD transition into adulthood

securityguy

"She has no boobs or hips and is just not developing into a woman."

Combined with what sounds like a fairly obsessive relationship with food, that does sound like trouble. There are very few fully catered halls of residence left these days, and students are mostly left to fend for themselves with food. If they're not eating properly in the supportive environment of home, that's going to be magnified in an environment where there are no regular meals laid on and there's more opportunity to fall in with other people with similarly troubled attitudes to food.

It does rather sound as though she's, consciously or unconsciously, delaying puberty so she can continue with an infantile relationship with her parents. Presumably she's not menstruating?

Wyre

The Dadda-Bear thing is nothing when taken alone. My nearly 21 year daughter calls me Mumma-Bear in messages and in person some times.

I also wondered if she would be ok on leaving home for Uni (she's just completed her first year). It was a shock to her, but she already knew how to use a washing machine and how to clean. Cooking has been interesting - I did get a few texts/emails etc asking how to cook certain things but she coped and hasn't run up huge student debts so far either.

I guess what you need to work out is a) is she eating ok? and b) how does she act when she isn't round her Dad?

I am not sure how to find out b) without it being sneaky.

notanewuser

Ballabriggs wrote: »

It's hard to know how her mum acts. From what DH has said she certainly never acted that way when they were together so unless she has changed completely then I'm not sure.

Just as an aside, she puts 'Daddy Bear' in her texts to DH - is this ok? or am I just really over analysing this and there isn't an issue? I would NEVER have done this with my dad and we have always had a great relationship. I would have cringed at the thought of doing this at 18!!!

My dad signs off texts and e-mails as PB - Papa Bear. I'm 35, he 65!!!

Ballabriggs

Maybe I should try calling my dad ' Big Pappa Bear' then and see what his reaction is :rotfl::rotfl: he'd probably ask me what I'd been drinking!!!!

If it were only that and everything else was normal then I probably wouldn't even think of it. It just seems like everything is off beat at the moment.

I have no idea if she's got her periods, I asked DH this and he did the usual man thing of blushing, shuffling his feet and saying that he didn't know and wasn't sure he could ask!:o If I had to guess I would say no, just a gut feeling.

Wyre

I've been pondering, and wondered if any of her behaviours have been raised by the school. If she was talking inappropriately to staff, wouldn't someone have mentioned it? It just occurs to me that her behaviour may be completely different in your house and around her Dad.

I am sorry if I have missed it, but how often is she at your house? Oh and is her Mum or any female relatives on either side really slim? One of my lasses is really slim but takes after her aunt. She eats fine but I can imagine that if she choose to eat alot of salads and fruit in certain situations, then it could seem like she is not eating correctly.

I am not trying to say there isn't a problem, just trying to see if there could other alternatives.

Callie22

RAS wrote: »

Actually that might work??

She is probably doing the kiddy behaviour to appear young and to avoid being "attractive" with all the implkication that has.

If dad explains that her behaviour could make her a target for perves, it might frighten her into modifying it?

Possibly, but there's a big difference between modifying a behaviour when you know you're doing it, and modifying a behaviour when you don't know any other way of behaving. I'm no child psychologist, but it sounds like the OPs step daughter doesn't know any other way to behave so I'm not sure scaring her into changing would work. It might just make her even more confused.

Ballabriggs

Wyre wrote: »

I've been pondering, and wondered if any of her behaviours have been raised by the school. If she was talking inappropriately to staff, wouldn't someone have mentioned it? It just occurs to me that her behaviour may be completely different in your house and around her Dad.

I am sorry if I have missed it, but how often is she at your house? Oh and is her Mum or any female relatives on either side really slim? One of my lasses is really slim but takes after her aunt. She eats fine but I can imagine that if she choose to eat alot of salads and fruit in certain situations, then it could seem like she is not eating correctly.

I am not trying to say there isn't a problem, just trying to see if there could other alternatives.[/QUOTES

None of her female relatives are as slim as she is, so I don't think its a genetic thing. If you put her against her sister you would think her sister (14) is the older one. She genuinely looks like a 12 year old.

She used to eat nothing for breakfast but cheese strings for a while. Then it was only ritz crackers and cucumber for breakfast. Now she has a piece toast and salad. She will drink nothing but water, no fizzy drinks, juice, tea or coffee or alcohol. I really don't know how she's going to fair at Uni, freshers week is going to be interesting. She is like this at her house as well as ours (her sister tells us).

I just want to add, I can't believe I'm concerned about her just drinking water and not alcohol, normally adults are worried about kids drinking too much at uni! My concern is that her behaviour is going to isolate her from people, whether this is her intention or not I don't know but I feel she is just going to miss out so much socially. Btw I'm not advocating she goes out binge drinking or anything like that!!!

Dunroamin

Has she always been like this or did it start at any particular time, such as when mum's bf moved in?

bluenoseam

I wouldn't be too concerned about only drinking water, I have a mate who all he's ever drunk in the time I've known him is water - that in it's own right isn't REALLY unhealthy. (well, not in this country atleast!)

BUT

Are you sure this is a 100% "legit" thing, reason I ask is that well, so far from what I've seen both parents seem to either put up with it or at very best put it across in a minor manner. The other thing that struck me about it was the eating thing, when she didn't like what was served up OH ran straight out to get something she would eat. Now when it comes to it I'm not meaning to be an a-hole, but it could simply be that she's playing up to it knowing that OH will for the most part just let her get on with her antics or at the very worst, sit her down and speak to her.

There might be hope however...

You say she's got the choice of uni's inclusive of one "out of bounds" if you get my meaning - could it be that she might think to herself that she should go there as opposed to the more local uni? Reason I ask is that for all you guys think she's niave & childlike it could be that she might want a shot at proving that she's not the child that you all think she is? You never know, she might chose the non-local one and turn out to be relatively "normal" (whatever that means!).

I don't have any answers really, but all I can say is that being a "book" type isn't an overly negative thing and with regards to the "asexual" thing, it could just be that she's very self-conscious and doesn't want to deal with rejection issues.

Either way it goes I think you probably need more professional help than you're likely to find on here - good luck though.

daisiegg

Dunroamin wrote: »

Has she always been like this or did it start at any particular time, such as when mum's bf moved in?

.....I had this concern as well