Would you date someone with a disabled child?

LannieDuck

Quite by chance there's an article in the Daily Mail today about a single mother who has a child with Down's Syndrome. It finishes with:

"A year-and-a-half ago I met Iain, a local carpenter and the brother of a friend while out for birthday drinks. Instead of pushing him away like previous dates, I let him into our lives.

We married in February and he and Xavier have a wonderful relationship. Being able to give Xavier the family he deserves has been amazing."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2333639/Fay-Bleasdale-describes-fell-black-hole-son-diagnosed-Downs-Syndrome.html

Carl31

aliasojo wrote: »

Ah got you. This shouldn't have been a frank and honest adult discussion about our experiences or our thoughts, it should really have been just an encouragement thread. Should've said earlier. I was under the impression the OP wanted honesty, not platitudes.

OP I think you've got a fairly mixed response to your post, and that's obviously a good thing. It proves that some people will be honest enough to say 'sorry not for me' and other people will not be put off in the least. It would have been more of an issue if everyone had said the same thing, but they didn't so try to accept that and not keep thinking the worst. It's all down to who you meet.

Now you've had these thoughts, try to put them to bed, don't get hung up on worrying about it all. You will only feel frustrated if you try to look too far down the line. Enjoy your life as it is for now, you can't see what's around the corner so stop wasting time thinking about it, it's often just an exercise in negativity and that can be a total waste especially if there is a Mr Good Guy ready to appear a mile down the road.

I wish you and your son loads of luck for the future.

Btw, your ex sounds like an @ss.

The point i was getting at is people, circumstances, opinions and views change over time. Just because someone on here thinks they may be put off by the OPs situation now, doesnt mean they would if the situation was presented to them

Given most on here have probably never seen or met the OP, its a bit harsh filling her head full of negativity making her cause even harder to deal with. The thing is, i would imagine it is only the most hard nosed of people that can safely say they know what their reaction would be to the situation having never experienced it, and they probably are not the people the OP should be talking to

To the OP i would say that she is not the only single parent in the world with a disabled child, and it may seem hard, but i am sure if you look in the right places someone will be out there. Perhaps someone who is in the same situation who can empathise

catkins

Carl31 wrote: »

The point i was getting at is people, circumstances, opinions and views change over time. Just because someone on here thinks they may be put off by the OPs situation now, doesnt mean they would if the situation was presented to them

Given most on here have probably never seen or met the OP, its a bit harsh filling her head full of negativity making her cause even harder to deal with. The thing is, i would imagine it is only the most hard nosed of people that can safely say they know what their reaction would be to the situation having never experienced it, and they probably are not the people the OP should be talking to

The OP asked for opinions. I know that I would not date someone with a disabled child. My views, opinions or whatever will not change. If I were to split up from my husband I would not even want to date someone with a child.

Fortunately, we are all different and there are plenty of men and women who would date someone with a child and some who would date someone with a disabled child.

Carl31

catkins wrote: »

The OP asked for opinions. I know that I would not date someone with a disabled child. My views, opinions or whatever will not change. If I were to split up from my husband I would not even want to date someone with a child.

Fortunately, we are all different and there are plenty of men and women who would date someone with a child and some who would date someone with a disabled child.

The OP asked whether a man would be put off by her disabled child, not if the members of the mse board would date someone with a disabled child

2 different things. I imagine the op now has an even worse outlook for herself, when there probably isnt any need for it

aliasojo

Carl31 wrote: »

Perhaps someone who is in the same situation who can empathise

I was in the same situation!

Still doesn't mean I should have done the old 'there, there, there' routine.

peachyprice

Carl31 wrote: »

The point i was getting at is people, circumstances, opinions and views change over time. Just because someone on here thinks they may be put off by the OPs situation now, doesnt mean they would if the situation was presented to them

Yes, circumstances do change, not even a disabled child's own parents are always able to cope with their child, as OP has found. the rate of failure in marriages with a disable child is very high.

Just because someone posts on here that yes they would happily date a parent with a disabled child, doesn't mean they would if the situation were presented them, it is a two-way argument.

Carl31 wrote: »

The OP asked whether a man would be put off by her disabled child, not if the members of the mse board would date someone with a disabled child

2 different things. I imagine the op now has an even worse outlook for herself, when there probably isnt any need for it

As for that comment, of course the answers are going to be whether members of MSE would date a parent of a disabled child, that's who she is asking. We all could have said yes of course, any man will date you, but that would not be a true reflection of real life.

Cloudydaze

Carl31 wrote: »

The OP asked whether a man would be put off by her disabled child, not if the members of the mse board would date someone with a disabled child

2 different things. I imagine the op now has an even worse outlook for herself, when there probably isnt any need for it

Well by asking if a man would be put off by her disabled child, I thought the OP WAS asking for people's personal feelings about dating someone with a disabled child.

I actually don't think the OP needs to feel bad about the responses. They were fairly mixed with a good number of happy-ever-after anecdotes. A good number of the 'no's' were actually a no to dating someone with children full stop.

There are lots of reasons why we wouldn't chose to date one person or another. It's the one time we are allowed to be completely prejudice and irrational and we don't have to justify our reasons to anyone.

hallowitch

My sons partner has a disabled daughter she was about 10/11 when they met and was very hard work to start with my son knew she would never be able to live on her own and she would have to live with them for the rest of their lives
As he said to me at the time I love her mum and if I have to take on her disabled daughter for the rest of my life I will

they have been together 8/9 years and are getting married next year
so it does happen and I am very very proud of my son and they are very happy together

PS I wouldn't change her for the world either she is now part of our family

duchy

jordygal wrote: »

Thank you for all your honest responses, I guess i'm just a bit pee'd off as my ex who is a poor excuse for a man anyway, and would like any excuse to walk away from his kids has met a new partner within weeks of us splitting. I'm left caring, practically 24/7 for our children, with him saying "i'm not legally obliged to have anything to do with the kids, loads of men don't" which I know is true, but he is able to walk away from this family leaving me with the long outstretching future of issues, I'm only 32 and it just feels like a hell of a long time to live without a cuddle at the end of the day. sorry I'm getting all maudlin, and just feeling like I should date and have the excitement of those early days of a relationship before I drop the bombshell of my life and they run a mile. Maybe I should just make the most of that bit while I'm young and enjoy it while it lasts? possibly finding a good'un on the way

Sounds like my ex in some ways
I made the decision early on that although my son comes first I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my life and be a martyr as if I'm happier so is my son.

I didn't "look for a man" but I did look at living my life and meeting new people and keeping my horizons as broad as I could ......Just by doing that I met people and dated some ...... I'm now with a man I've known for years-who entered our relationship knowing my son would likely be living with us for the foreseeable future and is completely happy with this. We're getting married next year

chatterup

Having a disabled kid takes and lot of patience, hard work and love. It's a very difficult situation. I think a lot of men will be turned off. However, don't give up on hope. There is that special someone who will love you and in turn love your children, regardless!